Monday, April 9, 2012

Another Easter

Blegh... Easter... one of my most hated times of the year.
I was 8 years ago now that i was in hospital begging them to let me stay there so i wouldnt have to face the outside world.
Ive come a long way since then. Ups and downs and all that jazz. I still remember it every year though, it reminds me that things arent so bad. I nearly cry when i think about that little girl, i was so lost.
Is horrible to say but sometimes i miss those times... when i was broken and all i had was my insanity, i was free to crawl inside my head and be devoured by my sadness. now i am grown up, i have responsibilities, i can no longer allow myself to run away for it would be selfish. i know better now... but i wish i didnt.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IK-RDqtdK2U&feature=related

Monday, April 2, 2012

I feel the need...

The need for weed...
This trying to quit my cannabis habit is not fun. I just want to calm down and be able to sleep but nooooo. its been 3 days... im coping during the day, but not at night.
I think its worse that i was using it as a form of self medication. now im in pain and i cant sleep.
So yeh im here to vent my frustration. I finished my sociology assignment today, so it was in on time thank god. Hanging out for easter break. only 2 days of uni and 1 day of work to go.
I want to run away. escape life for a while. explore somewhere new. breathe in fresh air, walk aimlessly and just relax.... maybe i will go meditate on those thoughts... mabe it could help...
Goodnight... hopefully...

Friday, March 30, 2012

On a Good Day

"A little bit lost and a little bit lonely
A little bit cold here a little bit of fear
But i hold on and i feel strong and i know that i can
Getting used to it, lit the fuse to it
Like to know who i am"
Above an Beyond - On a Good Day
That is some lyrics of one of my favourite songs. It relates to how i feel today which i think is good. i think i just needed some time out to rest and regain some sanity. I almost cracked it at work when i found out that they had cut out my friday shift altogether. But it kind of turned out to be a good thing. So today i went to the movies with a friend. We saw The Lorax because i love that story from my childhood. Dr. Seuss for the win. The movie was actually quite good. they could have quoted the book a bit more though. i ate candy and popcorn and purged after the movie. i dont think i got it all out but its too late now. ive taken 5 laxetives but im not sure if they will do anything coz the packet didnt have a recommended dose. its been like over a year since ive taken them. its wierd because i feel really good today yet for some reason i had the urge to take them, to feel empty. and i dont feel bad or conflicted about taking them either.
But yeh back to what i was actually saying, that song means a lot to me coz its like getting through all of life's crap, pushing through, and then having a good moment to realise how far you have come :)

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Breaking

The pains in my stomach are getting worse. today it was constant. but i was very stressed so that might have had something to do with it. i dont know exactly whats going on but i know its my liver and stomach that i can feel hurting. i know the gall bladder is stuck up in that area too so it could be that as well. the pain can sometimes go away if i dont eat for an extended period of time but also lessens straight after eating. Sometimes when i wake up and drink water it is the worst i actually double over in pain.
today sucked appart from that. I spent 7 hours stuck in front of my computer grasping for any piece of info i could shove into my assignment before the 5 pm deadline. My head was killing me but i had to keep going. I got it done in the end. i think i will get a pass for it but nothing special.
after that i decided to take the dog for a walk to get some fresh air and go to the shops to get binge food. It was one of those occasions where i spent ages in the supermarket picking things up and putting them back again. I ended up getting greek yoghurt and cucumbers so i could make tatziki dip because in my mind thats a safe food and would counteract the chocolate and chips i was buying to binge and purge on. But now i think i just sound like an idiot.
Anyway, on the way home i let my dog off the lead so he could have a run... and he ran away. I had to walk around for an hour before he was found by my dad.
I can feel myself breaking. Its actually been years since ive fully broken down. im scared of what i might do. I thought i was getting better. I dont understand anything anymore...

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Wahh

Curse you homework! why did i chose to do Sociology? Interesting but annoying subject. Im hungry as usual.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Autism and Anorexia

So i just stumbled across something i find quite facinating. I was researching a program for autistic children and their parents for my psychology assignment and was reading some of the symptoms of autism. Some of them reminded me of anorexic behaviours. So i looked up studies into a relationship between the two disorders and found this.. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20176449
Just thought i would let you guys know so if you're as nerdy as me you can have a look.

Aside from that i am doing alright. hovering at the same weight, purging less, trying to be normal.
Im super busy all the time and its making me so hungry. Just got to make sure i dont binge. as long as i dont put on weight atm im happy.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Having a Whinge

IM SO HUNGRY!!!! Fuck! Why!!??? Why the fuck if i have eaten enough does my body want more?
Anyway its 12:15am and i have to get up for work in 6 and a half hours so probs best to try and sleep. just thought id vent my frustrations. i will probably end up eating coz i wont be able to sleep otherwise. Wahh.