Friday, December 31, 2010

Gloomy And Glum

I havnt felt this bad in a long time... i dont know what is exactly wrong with me but i need to vent and perhaps make a little sense of myself. so be warned this will be boring and petty, please dont feel obligated to read.
Basically at them moment im losing my friends... ive been going out less and less lately and they are starting to get pissed off. my bestie especially. its my fault and i can understand him being frustrated but i cant explain to him what is going on.
he is quite judgemental about this kind of thing... like if he knew i was bulimic he would say "just stop" or "just go and get help." he has also told me that he doesnt believe in antidepressants. he thinks that if i stopped taking them i would behave the same way.
over the last few weeks ive been sinking further into my ED and depression. i now fit the requirements for bulimia instead of EDNOS as my purging is everyday now and has been for a few months. im finding it hard to spend time with people in general, but with him and his group of friends especially coz they are so social and carefree. to be honest there is only one person i want to spend time with, because he understands, not totally but he has been depressed before so can relate a bit.
I dont know what to do as me and my bestie have been friends for over 7 years now and i love him soo much. we had plans to move out together next year as well. im ruining everything but at the same time i cant stop this or tell him why im being such a loser. i guess the only thing to do is grit my teeth and go out and pretend im having fun. i have actually done that a few times but its hard to keep up, i end up leaving the club after only an hour of being there.
Eh life sucks right now. im not doing new years eve and there is a music festival tomorrow ive paid for but dont even want to go to. $130 down the drain if i dont go.
Ima go try think of happy things i might come back later and post new years resolutions if i feel more inspired. ciao lovelies.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Home Alone

Dear blog,
I am typing and binging at the same time! Pure skill right? Everyone is out and i am taking advantage of it by having a mass binge and purge session and blogging. Possibly the coolest person ever right now. Yes i am in a sarcastic mood.
Anyhoo my sister threw a massive haouse party last night. I spent 2 hours trying to be the responsible/mature adult and then said fuck it and got wasted. I passed out at like 2 and awoke to nutrigrain and frozen vegetables scattered around the house.
---brb purge time---
Ahhh much better.
So i still have no idea what my weight is. I havnt been to the gym for ages coz ive been so busy with Christmas and whatnot. We used to have scales at this house and now they are gone too. I hope my Grandma hasnt found out about my purging and told my parents to hide their scales too. I dont know why this is stressing me out so much coz i will most likely be the same weight. but i just want to know. what if when i check im up like 5kg or something horrible? Bleh!
For all the purgers out there i have a question... Does your chest hurt when you do it? Sometimes i have to stop and wait for a minute then start again coz of it. I dont want to die like that. You know those pictures that people post on PT every so often of the dead girl whose stomach ruptured? That scares me so much. Not really the dying part but the people finding me like that. thats the main reason i dont tell anyone about this shit. Coz i dont want to worry them. I dont want anybody to feel that they have to help me because i know i am beyond help.
Ok have to stop being so emo.... I bought some really awesome jewellery the other day. i have a ring with a scorpion on it and lizard earings. I know it sounds wierd but they are really cute.
G2G my sister just got back. Xo

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Oh Noes... Bad News

MISSING:
Scales... very old and have some kind of floral pattern on them. Much loved item coz despite being so old gave me the same weight as the gym scales which i trust.
Waaahhhh!
So i felt like i was losing weight. I dont know if you girls (and boys i actually have 2 beautiful boys following me now *waves* hi there fellas) ever get the feeling that you are somehow lighter than usual but on rare occasions it happens to me. usually i feel heavy. Ive just got in and i go to weigh myself but NOOOO! the scales are gone! i bet grandma has taken them to her new bf's house. now i have to weigh at my parents place. That usually makes me seem lighter and then i get happy until i weigh somewhere else and then i cry coz im 2kg heavier than they say! pooey.
Well today i am the bearer of bad news. Its seems my internet stick does not work in the shithole where my parents house is situated. This will be my place of residence for the next month and a bit until my friends lease ends and we find a new place to live. So i probably wont be updating you lovelies that frequently. I will have to take my sisters laptop and take a bus out of town to give all you guys the hot goss (aka random crap) about my life.
On the plus side though... it is a 5 min walk to the gym! yaysies. And i get to see my kitties. I love my kitties dearly. They are my babies.
Anyhoo hope you kids are all doing great and have a brilliant Christmas with lots of good presents and not too much food :P
Xo

Sunday, December 19, 2010

A Quicky

So today im cleaning my room and sorting things out to be taken to my parents place. Im moving back in with them in a week. Hopefully it will only be for 2 months coz that is when my bestie's lease ends and we will find a new place to rent. I hate my parent place so the sooner im out of there the better.
Anyhoo while cleaning my sock drawer i came across a lil bag. in that lil bag was a lil amount of speed. It has been there for like 10 months left over from a music festival. I assumed drugs dont go off and i ate it. Then i was super cleaning lady! do drugs count as food? if so i think they would defs be negative cals :P
This is a quick post coz i have to get back to cleaning and then meet a friend but yeh i just wanted to share my happiness with you kids. xo

Friday, December 17, 2010

No Beach For Fatties

Yesterday i cried in a shopping centre. How embarrasing. However fat you are the mirrors in the change rooms make you look fatter. As you can see from this graphically correct drawing my reflection doesnt even fit properly in the mirror. In light of this experience i have banned myself from the beach this summer, unless i swim fully clothed.I seriously feel so fat lately. Its like all my muscle has wasted away and been replaced by lard. That is the only thing that could have happened coz the scales say i weigh the same. Eh i feel wobbly and gross. Im going to the gym later tonight and then work tomorrow. so i will post again when something of significance happens. Ciao Bella!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Perfect Purging Place

So as the title suggests my non purging streak was broken. Yesterday i went to the movies with my friend to see harry potter. Yes i know i am weeks behind the rest of you. And your gonna hate me but i laughed when dobby died. Idk why but he just looked funny dying. i hope someone agrees with me on this coz i am going to seem like the biggest meanie otherwise.
Anyhoo here is a comic depicting what i do when i go to the movies....



Oh yeh and on a similar subject the toilet in my house is broken. i have a slight suspicion it might be my fault. So its the shower and plastic bags from now on. I know im disgusting but i just cant stop. Hope all you guys are doing good. Xo

Monday, December 13, 2010

Cherries and Whale Hunting

So i know i didnt post yesterday. Very sorry but i had to go up and stay at my parents place. Im doing fruit picking (coz its the only job i can get atm) and its closer to their house. I actually kind of regretted going so hard at the gym the day before coz i was sore all over. Then the next day i was reaching up picking cherries and climing up and down ladders all day. I go sunburnt and pretty sure sunstroke too coz my eyes went all wierd. I havnt been doing too well on the new plan the past 2 days because i basically just havnt had the time to exercise plus my parents always pack me full of food :( Its ok i am putting $30 all up away for my sinful crimes. Ive decided only to spend the monies when i get to 70kg. Then i can get some clothes :)
On a good note it has been a week without purging now. I was so tempted the other night. the parents got pizza and i hadnt eaten all day and gave in. I binged sooo badly that i should be harpooned by the japanese and made into whale sushi. But i didnt purge. Half my mind says its a good thing the other half is strongly opposed to that theory.
If i have calculated the cals correctly i shouldnt gain but ive ruined the hard work i did the day before. Well poo!
I need to do another cartoon soon. Not today coz im half dead but there will be one up maybe tomorrow or the next day. Also just letting people know that if they are doing my plan and want to change it around a bit to suit them thats fine. I made it to my needs but everyone is different. So if your are finding it too easy or hard or maybe your too poor atm you can just mix it up :)
Anyways im off to pass out. Toodle Pip!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Just Responding To my Lovelies

*Broken* - Well i count that as being under 200 so that would be 12 points. You could make it 13 if you want tho. I can change the plan if thats what you want to do so we will all be doing the same thing. Let me know yeh?
B-May - Im going with my bestie (gay) another gay and another girl. Are you going next year? We could even catch up if you felt like it?
Mel - Wow 3lbs in one day is awesome! i wish something like that would happen to me...everyday :P
Mich - Thats a good way to look at it. i reckon you feel less hungry in the morning too. so if you avoid a binge by sleeping and dont feel hungry in the morning then you think your superwoman!

What Have you Done Today To Make You Feel Proud?

Most of you would probably think that i have been watching The Biggest Loser by judging my heading. Seeing as its the theme song for the US version, and this blog talks a lot about weightloss. But actually i just finished watching the last season of Queer as Folk. And that was the final song as they are dancing. I am so sad! I love that show and now ive watched it all. Im not gay but i can relate to that show so much. i dont know if anyone else on here has seen it, but if you have which character can you most relate to? I just know that im going to be Debbie when im older. It makes me so excited for Gay Mardis Gras in Sydney next year.
So back to reality... today i do feel proud. I worked out and restricted really well. Ive been craving all sorts of horrible junk foods but havnt eaten any. I scored 27 today so thats another $3 into savings. Ive taken into account the half cup of warm milk and salada im about to eat before bed in those calculations. I find its best for me to eat an hour after i wake up to kick start my metabolism and before i go to bed so i can sleep. during the day i can get by with just a few bites of food when i feel a bit weak. Do you eat at certain times of the day? why those times?
Well im off. Quite tired now. Xo

Friday, December 10, 2010

Day 1 Points

I dont know why but im actually way pumped about my new diet :)
today i scored : 28 which meants i have to put away $3
Im so poor at the moment so that is going to make me work so much harder to keep the money i need. i went over my internet allowance for last month and they have just taken $100 from my account :( thats $60 extra than usual. I still have about $100 of christmas shopping to do too. Oh how i wish i had a job. I looked up receptionist jobs yesterday but they all want experience. I wish i knew someone who owned a company or had some high position that could get me in. Everyone is telling me i should wait until after xmas to look as hiring season was a few months back. Its just a bit poo.
Ive been a bit slow on commenting blogs lately. I have so many followers now. If i havnt commented it doesnt mean i havnt read your post. im just too lazy to think of a comment. See i like to write meaningful comments not just "well done" or "stay strong" even though if i do say those things i mean it. But i think advice to a problem or responding to what the person have written about is just nicer. But then sometimes I wont know how to respond or think my comment sounds stupid, so i just dont comment at all. And also if heapsa people have already commented on a post i tend not to comment either coz i feel like in late to the party and everyone has already said everything. Does anyone else feel like this?

My New Diet

THE POINT SYSTEM / SAVE MONEY DIET

INTAKE
0 cals = 15 points
200 cals = 12 points
400 cals = 10 points
600 cals = 8 points
800 cals = 6 points
1000 cals = 4 points
1200 cals = 2 points
Over 1500 = -4 points
Over 2000 = -8 points

EXERCISE
5+ hours = 15 points
4 hours = 10 points
3 hours = 8 points
2 hours = 6 points
1 hour = 4 points
1/2 an hour = 2 points

SLEEP
8-10 hours = 10 points
6 hours = 6 points
4 hours = 4 points
2 hours = 2 points
Over 10 hours = -2 points
Over 12 hours = -4 points
Over 14 hours = -6 points

EXTRA POINTS
Stretching = 2 points
Clean Bedroom = 2 points
See a friend = 2 points
Take vitamins = 1 point
Update blog = 1 point
Purge free day = 2 points

ADDING IT UP AND SAVING THE $$$
So after the day is over add up your score. Your score will determine how much money you have to put away in a money box/bank each day.
40+ is $0
30 - 39 is $2
25 - 29 is $3
20 - 25 is $5
10 - 19 is $10
0 - 9 is $15
any negatives is $20

SPENDING THE SAVINGS
You are allowed to spend your savings at the end of 2 weeks or if you complete 3 days in a row with a score of 40+

-
So my friend just came round and i think he might know about my purging. This is what he said...
"I wasnt going to go to this party tonght coz i felt sick. Must have eaten bad food from work. But i wanted to go so i stuck my fingers down my throat like an immature 15 year old. It was disgusting."
I dont know if he was just saying it or if he was hinting at something.
He has commented that i take a long time in the bathroom once before after i had purged.
What would you do in this situation? Im just not going to say anything. go denial!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Screw You MK!

Ok so i just stumbled across the MK (Mary Kate) diet yesterday in a link off PT. Now after more reseach it seems that there are a bazillion MK diets that are different. So screw that i will just make up my own using the thing that appealed to me which was the point system. I dont even like Mary Kate that much anyways. shock horror the ED girl doesnt like MK. I just though the diet that i found sounded good. So anyways im making the diets page now. Xo
-Edit-
I actually just had a super cool idea to incorporate in my diet. this diet will be a money saving one :)

Im So Fat Right Now...

Therefore i am stop acting like a fatty and start actually making an effort to be skinny. Ive decided to try specific diets and see how they work/if i can actually do them. When i finish each one i will give you guys a summary. Im stopping purging and more importantly stopping binging. Im going to go the gym more often too.
So tomorrow im going to make a new page called "diets" which will list what is involved in each one and in what order i will do them. Im thinking a modified version of the MK diet first and the ABC diet last, coz for me that is the ultimate challenge and will signify completion. If anyone wants to join me on my venture feel free. Just let me know.
Much love. Xo

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Where do you go, My lovelies...

Where do you go?
Seriously half the peoples i follow arent blogging anymore. It makes me really sad. It even makes me not want to post as much. Its like i kinda knew those people and now they are just gone :(
So how long have you been blogging? Have you ever had a period of time where you didnt blog and then came back to it? I have been doing this blog for 5 months now and i dont think i have gone a week without posting in that time.
In the last week i have only purged once, which is amazing seeing as before that i was purging at least twice a day. Suprisingly i havnt put on weight either. I really think the scales are broken coz i have eaten so much and pretty much not purged any of it. There should be at least an extra kilo on me.
I have to wrap this up coz my friend will be here in a minute, but i might do another post later. xo

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Stereosonic 2010

I swear my tastebuds are going insane lately. i am seriously eating a bowl of lettuce right now. let me remind you all that i am a bulimic not an anorectic. so this right now is wierd for me.
Actually now i am thinking about the differences between anorexics and bulimics i reckon i have a really good argument against people who say eating didorders are a choice. You see i would say if i chose this i would be anorexic instead of bulimic. I know both disorders are bad and i wouldnt want either but i swear it would be better to not eat and be skinny than to puke everything up and still be fat and still feel guilty coz you eat like a fatty. but then i also feel that if was underweight i still wouldnt feel anything like an anorectic coz i would still be eating like i had compulsive over eating. eh idk what im blabbing on about. do any of you get what im saying? want to oppose it?
So i went to Stereosonic music festival on Saturday. Despite looking like an absolute freak i had a great time.... although little blue pills make things seem better. My friends seriously attacked me with fake tan and teased my hair. I was basically an oompa loompa.
Be lucky you are only seeing a small portion of me in that photo. Coz i swear the whole shebang could be deadly.
Anyways the best parts of the day for me were going on the really high spinny upside down ride. idk what the actual name is. so much fun! because i hadnt drank for 8 months prior to this day i was the biggest lightweight ever. i had 2 drinks and was smashed! So i get off this ride drunk and dizzy and decided that itd be fun to hit on the ugly carnie and run away. unfortunately not to long later we went on the ride again and he kept smiling at me like a fool. lol. I also had fun at the trance stage. I didnt know the dj that was playing but he was sooo good. 2night i have to reseach Guiseppe IDKhislastname. Last playing was Tiesto and the crowd went mad! We got into about 15 rows of people back from the stage, but i couldnt see anything coz im a shorty. The sound on the main stage was really not that good so my friend and i decided to go up the back of the stands and take photos of all the people and the pretty sunset.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

This Is The Highlight Of My Day....

So im on a dating site. I sometimes visit them when im bored. This guy i met up with about 3 years ago. and he keeps popping up and adding me again forgetting about it. Playing with his mind is one of my favourite past times :)

mat174 says:
hey how are you?

Acka18 says:
aaaahahahaha its you!
Acka18 says:
ima good
Acka18 says:
and you?

mat174 says:
its me?

Acka18 says:
hahahahahahahahaha lol

mat174 says:
i dont recognise u
Acka18 says:
you have a really bad memory

mat174 says:
do i?
mat174 says:
wen did we meet?

Acka18 says:
few years ago

mat174 says:
wat did we do

Acka18 says:
this is hilarious

mat174 says:
??

Acka18 says:
we sexed fool

mat174 says:
did we? was i any good?

Acka18 says:
nah u had a small willie

mat174 says:
lol not anymore

Acka18 says:
so your a big boy now?

mat174 says:
yep
mat174 says:
where did we fuck?

Acka18 says:
at your house

mat174 says:
oh i know now
mat174 says:
was i a good root?

Acka18 says:
i already answered that
Acka18 says:
u crack me up
Acka18 says:
so what are u still doing on here?

mat174 says:
singl
mat174 says:
e

Acka18 says:
how fun
Acka18 says:
getting any action?

mat174 says:
y?

Acka18 says:
why not?

mat174 says:
i get enough

Acka18 says:
well thats good

mat174 says:
u

Acka18 says:
always fun to get your whistle wet
Acka18 says:
nah there is cobwebs growing down there

mat174 says:
haha nice

Acka18 says:
yeh sometimes they ticle a bit and make me feel good

mat174 says:
lol ice
mat174 says:
nice

Acka18 says:
ice ice baby
Acka18 says:
got any ice *twiches*

mat174 says:
lol
mat174 says:
fancy some cock?

Acka18 says:
nah ive already eaten

mat174 says:
ok

The Gingerbread House Of Doom!

In light of Mich's love of Christmas. I have decided to give you all a little taste of why i hate christmas. Via cartoon. What is depicted is not the only reason Christmas and i dont get along. It just pops up with: religious views, fighting familys and lack of money...
Oh and in case you are wondering why my font is suddenly different and underlined, i have no idea. It is pissing me off enourmously! What ever i press it wont change. Grr.










Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Free Rice

http://www.freerice.com/
I dont know if any of you have heard of this site before... i hadnt until today. You basically answer questions and for every correct answer they donate rice to starving people in underdeveloped countries. It was in a post on PT today and i just think it is totally awesome.
Then i thought i should tell my wonderful followers incase they didnt know. that lead to me thinking not only is this great for the world but also a great distraction for us. I thought we could start a group on freerice and get as much rice as we can. So this is my profile on there...
http://www.freerice.com/users/acka11
Add me as a friend. If i get over 5 friends i will make a group.
I will totally love you forever if you do this. Xo

J'adore Cooking Sushi

Well i love cooking in general but i feel so good making sushi coz its pretty good for me too. For example one of these rolls would be 200 cals. Which is so much better than buying them out as those ones have double the cals.
Anyways i made these babies... they look way to good to eat though.

In other news... my hair is falling out :( not coz of malnutrition coz of dirty liver treatment. Also my skin has gone to shit. Its all dry, especially on my face. It looks like i have herpes. I finish treatment in 2 days though so it should get better in the next few weeks. I possibly wont be posting much this coming weekend as i am super busy being social and fun for once. My friends and i have tickets for Stereosonic music festival where we will go and dance and just generally be stupid. I was going to have a few drinks there seeing now after 8 months i am allowed to. But nooo because i am poor. I just forked our $200 for Sydney Mardi Gras next year. So goodbye savings. Theres so many things i need to buy right now and i just cant. Its a bit sad.

Anyhoo what is the next purchase on your shopping lists girls? Can you afford it? Do you really need it?

Stay Safe Xo

Sunday, November 28, 2010

STAT

First off...
Which actress would i turn gay for... now this is hard... probably Summer Glau. She is hot!
And if could have 5 people to dinner (dead or alive) i would have... Nostradamus, Moses, Freud, a translator (because non of those people speak english) and Jensen Ackles (to stay back and help "clean up"). Yep pretty much the best selection of dinner guests ever!
Anyhoo...
Today i had my STAT ("try and get into uni test" for those who dont know). i think i did alright because i answered all the questions but i wont truly know until i get the results and then hopefully a place. The girl who sat in front of me could have been a model she was so thin... all i could think before i started my test was... "how do all her organs fit in that tiny body?"
Appart from that i was also thinking about how best to get away from the girl behind me, who although i couldnt see, i could hear sniffling and sneezing at me. I could just feel the germs on my back. Eeewww!
Well id love to stay and chat but i didnt sleep last night and bed is calling me. Take care. Xo

Saturday, November 27, 2010

By Request... Le Cartoon

PatienceElizabeth - the tea party is an event where all us bloggers get together in a chat room while drinking tea. there has been two so far (both of which i have been late for). For all info clicky on this link. http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/lick-hobo.html It is my assumption that K will be arranging the next one and will post when it is. Hopefully soon :)
Annie - Hahaha did you see me talking to myself on there?

Well kids seeing as you wanted it. And you know i cant say no to such beautiful people, here is a new cartoon. I entitle this... "The Difference between Mirander Kerr and Me."
And to make thing better that is her when she is pregnant :P
Oh yeh and its question time again! Ask me anything you want. Want to know how many people have i slept with? its ok you can ask me! want a solution for that rash down there, You can ask me!... whether i reply to that one is a different story. Xo

Friday, November 26, 2010

Im Going Cry Right Now

I MISSED THE TEA PARTY! I love the tea party :( I feel like a kid who couldnt go to her bestfriends birthday. Waaahhh!

The Swimsuit

So today i ate soooooo much! I was doing good until the binge.... and that was what it was... not just eating a little more than usual but mindlessly stuffing 5 muffins into my mouth.
I DIDNT PURGE! Right now im freaking out! Even though i should see it as a good thing. Im going to be so fat tomorrow. FML!

She leaps from the water. Sun glistening on her wavy wet hair. As she makes her way up the beach the sand sticks to her legs. Everyone is staring, no one can turn away. They look up with grins on their faces and burst into laughter. She's fat...

I need a new swimsuit, which of course just makes everything worse. I was looking some up before i go shopping on monday and i almost cried imagining myself in them. I look at the models and am like "omg this swimsuit is perfect" then i realise that its me that has to wear it. So in light of this situation i have decided to put up some teenie weenie bikini thinspo. Enjoy. Xo





Thursday, November 25, 2010

Omg Becky Look at Her Butt! It Is Soooo Big!

Its times like these i think i should have been born a decade earlier... Ive just downloaded the top 100 dance songs of the 90's. I was a child back then... i actually didnt even exist for a small part of those years.
Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-a-lot FTW! Lol i wish someone would "love my healthy butt." I wish i could love it actually.
I am feeling really good today :)
I woke up early and went to the hospital with my friend. I didnt ends up going to ikea, but i didnt mind. everything just felt great... to the point i was laughing and annoying my friend pretending to be a inflatable flailing armed tube man!
Ive eaten approx 1400 cals today and i dont even care that much! that is how good today is.
*DANCES*
ahh ya ya coco jumbo! that is all. Xo

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Recovery... Maybe... Well Probably Not But I'll Talk About It Anyway

Actually considering going a little healthier at the moment. The question is if i am actually able to if i try.
Ive been purging way too much and my mind is really fucking with me. Yesterday i found out 2 of my friends had gone to the beach and not invited me. i was up half the night thinking it was because im fat and they wouldnt want to be seen with me at the beach. But then if they had asked i probably would have said no anyway, because social situations are just overwhelming for me at the moment. Maybe that could be another reason they didnt ask me.
If i keep going like this im going to have no friends at all. But i dont know how to stop. Its just instinct for me now. Im not getting professional help tho because i have tried that before and it was just hell. Half the people didnt even know what they were talking about. I had one doctor tell me to grow up and get a life.
I dont even like the taste of food at the moment. Everything tastes bad. When i get hungry i crave junk and then i binge and purge it. I dont enjoy it at all. eh... sorry about the annoying rant. ill talk about something else now.
Sooo.... tomorrow im going to the hospital so they can steal my blood, and then going to ikea with a friend so they can buy hously items. I love ikea so much though. I could seriously spend a whole day in there just looking around. Ive also been invited to a kickboxing class with my friend. Ive never been to a class before and to be honest i am terrified. People in general unnerve me and people watching me exercise... well i could possible die. It was hard enough to get myself to go to the gym (really small gym, that is 24 hour so i can go at night for less people) and to be honest i havnt been there for 3 weeks coz im scared of my new trainer. Why am i scared of everything?!!!
What are you scared of girls? the dark? the boogie man? getting fat... Hell yeah im scared of that! Xo

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Bananas Are Evil

Going on a ride in the dark. It was so hot today that i thought id wait til it was cooler. Ive decided that im going to stretch everyday. i like stretching. i dont know why i just do.
so today ive done sit ups, push ups, squats, lunges, strectches, 1/2 hour walk in the sun and now finishing with and hour or so ride in the dark.
There is banana sitting literally right in front of me. i thought i wanted to eat it, then i changed my mind... now i just dont know what to do with the damn thing. It is taunting me! eat me it says... eat me! i am high in potassium, which is a vitamin your body is possibly craving. i am tasty and filling but i contain 100 cals making it impossibly hard for you to decide to eat me.
Ive already had approx 900cals today, but net cals would be much less... goddamn you hunger!
Maybe the banana should be a reward for completing the bike ride... but then i shouldnt reward exercising with food coz that just undoes everything... aaaahhhh!
So girls how are you? Has any evil foods been taunting you today? I hope not. Xo

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Gift Ideas?

I binged today :(
I think im going crazy. Im somewhat scared to go outside. I dont want to see or talk to people. yet at the same time i want someone to hold me and just understand. tell me eveything is going to be alright. Life doesnt work like that though. I just have to keep pushing through.
A lot of my friends just seem too immature at the moment. I just seem so lonely because im not in a good position to find new ones outside the internet arena presently.
Christmas is coming up... im trying to think of good presents to give the family. I dont like Christmas by the way. I dont see the point of it as i am not at all religious, i would rather give presents on my own accord not because i have to and it stresses everyone out. Especially me as i like my gifts to be unique or tailored to the recipiant.
I thought i would give passionfruit vines to my parents. a female for mummy and a male for daddy and then the vines could germinate and have passionfruit babies.... for me to eat :P
Its harder to think of gifts for my sis and 2 brothers. Sure chocolate and playstation games would do but... anyone could get them that. Im thinking some kind of pets... but i am sure to get in trouble for that and get asked to take them back.

And then there is grandma. I already got her a colouring book called "I Love My Grandma" for her birthday so she could colour it in. Now im out of ideas. Do you lovelies have any suggestions? My sis is 18, bros are 12 and 15, and grandma is old... obviously.What do you want for Xmas? Dont say anything obvious like "to lose 50lbs" coz we want that all the time. something realistic.

Much Love. Xo

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Talk to me!

Thats my new email and msn address.
Made especially for you guys to talk to me :)
If you want to add me just send a message with your request saying who you are.
I just got back from an attempt at socialising. Fun is just not happening for me today. I was at the club for an hour before i lost my friends and decided to leave. They were all drunk as hell and being idiots. Usually i like going out and dancing. Lately not.
So fast number 1 lasted 23 hours and 45 minutes. Sure i know it is weak, but its ok coz on my next fast i have to beat it. and on the fast after that ill have to beat that one. etc.
Im thinking i will go to the gym 2moro and then start fast number 2 after that.
Just wondering how long it takes you guys to shakey on a fast. coz seriously i hit 22 hours and im fucked. I spilt coffee everywhere coz i was shaking so much. (i had only had one cup before that so it was the caffeine) Is this normal? Does it go away if you just continue fasting? I want to keep going but i cant help being really scared about passing out or something.
Anyways how are you lovelies? I hope you are good. Xo

Friday, November 19, 2010

Only Slightly Hyperly Crazy :P

Yo Yo Yo! Mah Skinny Bitches!
Ahhh food is bad even when you dont eat it! I have a itchy rash on my wrist from cutting up chicken. I didnt even eat the damn stuff. Just did the completely normal thing of weighing it out into 100 gram portions then freezing it for later. Do any of you guys weigh your food? sometimes i just get the desire to weigh everything.
So i started a fast at 7pm tonight just for funsies. im not puting a limit on it im just gonna see how far i can go, then beat that on the next fast and so on and so forth. So according to my calculations i have gone 6 hours and 37 mins without food. Obviously im not very far in.
I can not wait til i move out. Ive started looking for houses with my friends and ive already been thinking about grocery shopping (think best value and how long can i make it last and get all zee vitamins with the smallest amount of eating). Seriously my mind doesnt stray far does it... food food food.
I have to get back into the gym routine! ive been noticing a pattern... i go full force at it for 2 weeks, then i just give up and lock myself inside for 2 weeks and then i get guilty and the cycle starts again.
Ima feeling a bit better since taking my pills again. Why cant my brain just work properly by itself.
Ooooh... Good news kiddies! Just took my 2nd last injection, which means i will be feeling fitter and healthier in a month if not less time :) then after that i am free to ruin my new liver!!! which of course i am going to try not to do. despite being a fool i have learnt somewhat of a lesson from this experience... it sucks. So drugs and drinks are only for special occasions eg. festivals or birthdays.
P.S going to Sydney for Mardi Gras next year! Sooo excited! Ima be the coolest fag hag there! and my little gay boy will have so much fun. just thinking about my baby shaking his thang for the boys... awww
Yeh you may be able to tell that im in a wierd hyper mood. Possibly a good thing, possibly a bad thing if i crash. Anyhooo i was thinking of making a new email/msn address so that i could chat to all you beauties when im lonesome. If you like this idea let me know and ill do it :)
Stay strong and lots of love. Xo

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Success


You know you are fucked up when joy comes from vomiting. New binge food = baked beans. Wierd i know but they work! going on another bike ride soon. making the route a tad shorter than last time to prevent the almost death of previous occasions. See older posts.
I hope everyones day is going as good as mine... but in less gross ways :P

Mission: Purge

Thats right im on a mission to purge. I just cant take it anymore! I ate last night and all that came up was acid... no food. I am well aware this could end in the tragedy of massive amounts of food stuck inside me but i just cannot not try. Purging is my thing... i cant stand to lose it. Im going insane! Even considered cutting last night for the first time in years. I didnt coz im a good girl, but man it was tempting, i need a release! FUUUUUCCCKKKK!

You Will Be there and I Will Be There Too, And We'll Find Each Other In The Dark

Hello my darlings. Just a little update to let you know that the new plan is going good so far. Ive done the fast and 2 days of 1000cals. I havnt had much time in the past few days to read your posts so im sorry if i havnt commented in a while. Im also getting quite a few new followers. Welcome welcome :) so i have more blogs to look at.
If anyone is following me and im not following you back just leave a comment and i will do so. Xo

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Ahhh Fuck

Broke the fast last night because i felt like i was going to pass out. Im so sorry! I let myself and everyone else down. Then i freaked out and tried to purge and i couldnt. I just couldnt. Its been getting harder and harder for me to purge the last few weeks and i seriously dont know whats the deal. Ive been doing it for over 6 years now and its been so simple for me. Now suddenly just no.
This means now more than ever i cannot let myself binge. Without purging i will be the size of a house next week. So im making a new plan...
Its pretty simple - under 1000 cal 5 days a week. Fast 1 day. Under 1500 for 1 day (this will be saved for social occaisions). The thought process behind it goes... i have to eat enough cals that i wont go crazy and binge, or die when im at the gym, coz treatment takes a lot out of me in conjunction with not eating. but i have to lose wieght as well. lots of weight! right now my mind i screaming at me... 1000cal is too much... why not fast forever!?
Although if i say under 1000 then 0 is still under 1000.... mwahaha!
Anyways to kick it off i will be fasting 2moro after gym. This time im going to stick it out... i have to!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Last Few Days

Ok so i really dont know where to start... i have sooo much to tell you lovely people. First of all i am so pumped for the tea party :) i will be doing a liquid fast at the time so sipping on some oolong will be ok. i doubt any of you girls will be bringing nibblies anyway :P

Probably the best thing to to would be to start on last Tuesday which i was pumped for and then turned into somewhat of a fiasco... So ive recently made a new friend who is nuts about biking (like mountain and road bikes) and we decided to go on nice ride around my area. Knowing this social activity would be burning calories i agreed. He told me would be riding 15kms which i thought would be ok if i took it easy. Because of my liver treatment i cant do too much exercise else i get really sick. We later worked out we had gone 22kms when this happened...

Can anyone say embarrasing? anyway me being stupid and not wanting to look weak kept going after this. didnt get far before we had to stop and i had to sit down before i fainted. We had to call a cab to take us home. Then because i couldnt keep anything down, inculding water, and i was muchly dehydrated. He got me gastrolyte and saladas.

After i was feeling better i remembered my tofu which was marinating in the fridge. I thought i had got all the liquid out but when i cooked it, it went all sloppy :( i tried to eat some anyway and came to the realisation that satay marinade isnt as tasty as i thought it would be. so i threw it out.

By then it was about midnight and i was wrecked. but my mind was all "yay lets not sleep!" so i didnt go to bed until 3am. Where i found THE MOTH! ...

It didnt die for an hour!
The next day contained the dreaded banoffee pie and mexican food for dinner. Its times like this where i think friends are bad for me.

Thursday was my actual birthday, which began with my aunt taking me to a chocolate shop/ cafe for lunch. I just had a salad sandwich and gave the chocolate to my brothers later. they were a million time happier with it than me. I thought that hurdle was over... NO... 10 minutes later i unwrapped a massive box of chocolates from my sister and candy accompanied grandma's birthday money. i got a hairdryer that i wanted from my parents and my brothers gave me an itunes voucher... i was so thankful for those non food gifts.

Birthday dinner was a bbq which was ok coz i just had a little bit of steak and a heap of salad. The cheesecake (speacially made by mother dearest) was the desert and my birthday cake which i had to have some of. Ironically while i was eating this my personal trainer rang reminding me i had a session today.

So therefore today i went to the gym. how he forgot the session during the night i dont know. but he turned up late and we didnt end up doing it anyway. I just did my own workout and now i feel like i havnt done anything at all for some reason. Eh

I think that is it, i will make a new post if anything else pops up. Much love Xo

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Lest We Forget... To Feed The Birthday Girl.

omg everyone is giving me food! last night i had to eat half a banofee pie because my bestie made it specially for my birthday. luckily it was only a little one but im sure i had at least 700 cal in it. i took pics and im going to post them later. thats coz im supposed to be going to lunch with my auntie now. SAVE ME!!!!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Dear My Beautiful Commenters...

LOVE YEWWWWW!!!!! *big sloppy kisses*
MadelinaCooke - Omg yes! at least 5kg by Chrissy. We can do it gorgeous!
morbid.diathesis - Above and beyond are my absolute fave artist at the moment. their music is just great for chilling or reminiscing. always just makes me sit there and think and be calm. If you are into alternative Birds Of Tokyo are good or for creepy psycho music try out Velvet Acid Christ.
So i just got back from the shops where i bought tofu for the first time ever. On finding it was only 46 cals a serve and under $2 i couldnt resist. Im going to try it for din dins tonight. thought i would do it satay with some veggies. What do you think? Any other suggestions?
Xo

Ive Restled With Angels All My Life... Its Always The Halos And The Wings That Keep You Blind

So today i woke up with an answer to why i have been feeling so crap and eating everything in sight.
This has been made worse by the fact i have skipped taking my happy pills for 3 days and my brain is rebelling. So yeh im sorry for all the annoying and emotional posts blabbing on about randomness.
But seriously my intake over the past few days has been atrocious. I really need to get a move on dropping these pounds. i have been the same weight for the past 3 months. its horrible. sure i havnt gained but if i had tried harder i could have lost at least another 10kg by now.
Anyways i cant really think of much to say right now so you guys can ask me questions. Anything you want to ask just go for it. if you think of something and arent going to write it coz you think its rude... i dont care! do it. i love you all very much. every one of my followers is an inspiration to me. xo

Saturday, November 6, 2010

What happens when....

I get way too tired and my imagination takes over...

Eric has accepted your invitation to start Backgammon.
Kathleen says:
a game of backgammon with the gents
how was polo this morning old chap?

Eric says:
havnt played polo for a while, sadly
Kathleen says:
oh thats right not since ur riding accident
Eric says:
so, what do i do?
and remember, i play bike polo

Kathleen says:
earnest is such a wild horse
Eric says:
so theres a lot of accidents, no tramplings
Kathleen says:
no u fell off ernest the horse
Eric says:
can you tell me how to play??
Kathleen says:
oh u dont know?
Eric says:
no
as you may have quessed from me asking three times

Kathleen says:
i suppose u were drunk last week when we played cedric
too much whiskey

Eric says:
(noYe:my brain does not deal well with sidetracking when it doesnt compehend something)
*note
(if theres something i dont understand, i cant bloody deal with anything els till i do)

Kathleen says:
have you noticed the new hearth?
Eric says:
(was a hint to give up on that part)
Kathleen says:
well backgammon is a game of ye olde gentlemen
Eric says:
(*grumble*)
Kathleen says:
so i thought u would know how to play
Eric says:
damn, just found the rules, and i closed the thing
Kathleen says:
it doesnt matter we can take the hounds for a stroll
Eric says:
(*headache*)
Kathleen says:
you need brandy
Eric says:
(*urge to kick things*)
Kathleen says:
no they didnt have footy in those days
Eric says:
(i am trying so hard not to say fuck off)
Kathleen says:
although i think they beat children and slaves
Eric says:
)but there, i have)
Kathleen says:
oh am i annoying you?
sorry im overly tired

Eric says:
you didnt get the hint?
Kathleen says:
i do this sometimes
Eric says:
and i do this sometimes
get irrationally stressed by combinations of things

Kathleen says:
oh ok im sorry
the game didnt really matter i thought we were having fun just talking about nothing



I dont think he was impressed.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Lonely Girl...

Staring at the top sheet
Listening to my heart beat
Wondering how to say it
Playing over one track
Wanting you to come back
Want to have you here
Lying on a cold sheet
Jump into my car seat
Drive down to the river
Nightlight its reflecting
Somehow I'm expecting
Your voice in my ear
Lying in the long grass
Watching as the clouds pass
Hands held in silence
Your arms right around me
Feeling glad you found me
Feeling like I'm home
Wish you would remember
April to September
Wanting to be near me
Waiting for the sunrise
Staring into my eyes
You and I alone

.... I miss him so very much right now... or maybe i just miss being in love... whatever it is something is missing...


Would it be incredibly mean to invite a boy over for cuddles but nothing else? i want company, but i dont want sex or a boyfriend. most of all i dont want any kisses. Im pretty sure he likes me, but i dont like him any more than a friend. it just feels mean to make him come to my house get a cuddle then ask him to leave.
Im in a needy mood today. i dont like it. need to be less dependant on others.
Cals for today... approx 1300. Too much.
Exercise - 1 hour walk. Not enough.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Astrology and EDs?

First of all im sorry for the depressing post last night. Although i will admit im still not feeling the best doesnt mean i should stop posting or just post tales of woe. Thankyou for all the lovely comments, especially Bella for giving your number to me. I probably wouldnt call you coz i am extremely shy but that meant the world to me.

Now ive been noticing a trend in the blogs ive been reading lately... everyone (not really everyone but more people than usual) is having birthdays this month. Go all you sexy scorpios. I am preparing for a lot of people to think im crazier than usual right now coz... i may have a small belief in astrology. and im not saying everyone that is born in the same month is exactly the same because they arent, but for those who dont know every person will have a different astrological natal chart even if they are born on the same day.


Anyways ive read my natal chart for years and always thought that the influence of scorpio/pluto may have had something to do with my eating disorder. I do have a pluto sun conjuction, which is said to intensify certain aspects of personality depending on the sign it is in. mine is in scorpio which i find intensifies my selfdestructive streak.


If anyone is interested in this please talk to me. i would love to have a good convo about it.


Here are some links that might help people understand or learn more.


http://alabe.com/freechart/ <<<< this gives you a pretty simple natal chart.


http://www.chaosastrology.net/freeastrologyreports.cfm <<< more in depth chart and interpretation.



Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Bonsoir

just checking in to tell you im still alive. just sitting here being fat. i havnt been posting as frequently lately coz im having a slightly emo time and sleep seems better than reality. dont fret though my dears for i will be back when my brain decided to love me again. until then i send all my lovin to you. i shall comment more soon. xo

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Eh..

I dont know what is wrong with me but i feel horrible. i was going to fast today but i just ate some pasta because i thought i was going to die. i have no energy at all, i cant concentrate on anything. ive been sat in front of the tv instead of studying or going to the gym. i thought if i ate i would feel better... wrong. Ive had some electrolyte formula coz i have been purging a lot lately and thought that could be it but that didnt work either.
I took 5 laxies last night. just wondering how long it takes for other people to get the effects? it takes me like 14 hours. is that normal? and i know this is way too much info but i thought there would be more of... an output shall we say.
to answer peoples questions... yes i was inspired by the blog http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ of course her work is way better than mine.
and yes i did make it home ok... although there was a period of about half an hour before i could lift myself up from the floor on which i had collapsed.
Hope everyone is going great. xo

Friday, October 29, 2010

Precious H2O

This is a true story about how a few bad descisions can lead to this....

So this happened all just a few hours ago. My first mistake went a little like this...


So i was grabbing a lift for my grandma up to the shops so i could purchase some nori seaweed stuff that you make sushi out of.


My grandma parked at the RSL coz she is cool and gambles her monies on the pokies and bingo. I walked to the shops from there. On my way i realised i was particularly thirsty. But that was ok coz i could buy a bottle of water if i needed it. so i continued to the shops, picked out my items and went to the checkout....
Realising my money was at home, it occured to me that catching the bus would not be an option. Now you may think the 4kms back home wouldnt be too bad. coz really its not that far. the problem was i was thirsty... but not just normal thirsty... you see my liver is broken and the medicine that i take to fix it makes me super thirsty... it also makes my skin dry, thins my hair, gives the feeling of sickies and tiredness. (for full acount of how to break a liver see diagram below)anyways on top of being sssoooooo thirsty i also had no energy on account of the amount of food i had eaten... that being zero. So instead of a nice walk home which in reality would have looked like this....I felt like a half dead girl struggling through a desset. as seen in the first pic.

Anyhoo i hope you girlies are having a somewhat better day than me :)







Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Series You Say?

Keeping with the little comic thing. here is something that happened today. Can you spot the problem?and yes pixiestix i might actually start a series. not for every post, but one or twice a week. because i know you kids know true art when you see it :P
love love.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Truth...

I just ate 4 peices of pizza! I hate my sister for ordering it but i hate myself more for eating it.
I had just busted my ass at the gym. i rode approx 5kms and did 5km on the treadmill and did weights too. deciding to do an extra 5 mins on the bike was my downfall. it made me miss my bus home to the healthy sushi i had prepared for my dinner. so i decided to kill time visiting my sister, who thought offering me pizza would be a nice thing to do. Me being completely ravenous and energy drained gobbled it up. aaahhh! if that wasnt enough, i of course got the undeniable feeling to purge. i am so sure my sister heard me. i swear if she says anything to my parents i will murder her.
The only positive i can get from this situation is even if i do put on weight is that ill be toned underneath all the fat.
Oh but in good news my pants are falling down... do you know why?... coz they are too big :)
Love for you all. xoxo

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Good Day

today the scales gave me a nice suprise. i lost 2kg :)
Which makes me think. 1. the scales are broken or 2. that purging works.
I went to the gym to find i have now lost another personal trainer. Its really pissing me off that they all leave... maybe there is something wrong with the gym. As soon as i use up all the sessions on my contract i am going to find a new gym to use. i really want my own home gym but that is way to expensive, and i dont have anywhere to put all the equipment.
Anyway i would write more but im extremely tired so i will leave it to tomorrow. xo

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Men In Suits Make Me Go Mmmmm

Turns out my ex is actually a good guy. He just wants to be friends. Which is fine with me.
I still find him incredibly hot though. He came fresh from work in his suit. In case you dont know, men in suits make me jizz. And i love the conversations i have with him. But a 12 year age difference just isnt going to work.
Anyway i have a date with someone new tomorrow... so we will see.
Ate well until i saw him and he insisted we get fish and chips for dinner. But for the whole day im pretty sure my cals were about 1000. So not too bad.
Going up to babysit the pets at my parents place tomorrow and thurday night. I plan to download as many songs as i can because i have nearly used up all my internet here for this month.
Hope all you beautifuls are having great days. Xo

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Phone Rings...

I just got a call from my ex. i havnt seen him in a year. he wants to meet up tomorrow. im scared. as far as i know he has a girlfriend at the moment. i hope he doesnt want sex. im not sure i even want to see him. i have only just got over him. he broke my heart. but as far as i know he is a good guy. if he tries to make a move tomorrow i guess i will know.
i had beef stir fry for dinner... purged... i cant keep anything down at the moment. i bought laxitives today. i had 5 after dinner but nothing has happened yet. i havnt used them before so im not sure what to expect but i thought something would have happened by now.
Got a new hair cut the other day. im regretting it. its to short and doeant sit properly. bleh.
Hope everyone is going good. Xo

Answers...

Amy- I have had my eating disorder for as long as i have known. I have been bulimic since i was 12 but had binge eating tendancies since 7. I think my family greatly contributed to my ED in many ways. Some of them being... parents eating habits, family conflict, being told i was fat from a young age. But in their defence i am a naturally sensitive and perfectionistic person. Also very self destructive. So i think in the end its myself who contributes to this the most.
Anything written on this blog is truth. If there is information i dont think belongs here i will just not write it. I will tell people i live east of melbourne, but not the exact suburb.

Mona- My fave colour is green. I love australia. In my opinion it is probably one of the best places to live at this time.

Bella- Welcome to you and welcome to your craziness. As far as i know no one in my "real" life knows about this blog. If they do they havnt said anything.

Kristina- Hell no! I love australia. I cant stand the cold weather. Summer in Aus is coming and im going to live it up!

Sarah- I am a night person. Everything seems different at night and its beautiful.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Hugs and Kisses


For all my girlies who comment and support me :) Love Love.

You are right, i screwed up but i can do better. Todays diet consist of... Tea, Coffee, Low cal jelly and Apples. I will lose those 5kg before my birthday!

Oh and here is a message for Perfect Lie: there is something wrong with your layout that is why people dont comment. ive tried to comment but it wont work. change the layout and the comments will flood back in.

In light of other bloggers doings... Ask me a question, anything you want, it can be clean it can be dirty, whatever. I will answer it honestly. Xo

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Disgusting Fat Pig

Worst few days for a long time. Prepare to be disgusted and horrified... because i am about to list what i ate in the past 2 days...
6 chocolate royals
8 choc chip cookies
5 dim sims
2 kiwi fruit
1/2 a jelly
1 quaterpounder
2 sushi rolls
6 chipolata sausages
4 peices of bread
1/2 a bag of starburst lollies
4 corn thins
2 litres of up and go

and every single thing on that list i threw up. Last night i also tried to do a salt water flush but screwed it up because i couldnt keep down all the salt water. Its times like these i think i need help. But i know i would never get it. The only way to stop this is to do it all by myself. i dont know if thats a possibility at the moment. happiness seems so far away.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Naughty Naughty

Last night i may or may not have... eaten greasy fish and chips, drank alcohol and smoked while still on treatment to save my liver, had sex twice (or so remembered), wore a tiny dress and danced like i was a stripper. Oooppsie!
I know i am going to pay for it in a few days when im 5kg heavier but it was fun! i havnt had actual fun in soo long. Seriously girls you should have seen us! we actually went up to a street busker and played his tambournine while making passers by dance. This is a pic i took of the event >>>>>>>
My friends are the losers in the construction tape. Mr Busker earnt more money in 5 mins with us there than he would have in 2 hours.
Anyway im awful tired now so im going to have a nap. Love love. xo

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Well Hi There!

Welcome new followers :)
I now have 35 of you lovely people.
Im sick again but thats no big news lol. i tried to go to the gym yesterday but after i spent 15 mins on the treadmill i thought i was dying so i went home. I walked for 20 mins in the rain to get there. Today i am having a day at home, trying to rest up so i can work out again soon. So far i have eaten a low cal yoghurt (70), a homemade sushi roll (162) and a coffee (34). So all up 266 cals and it is 4:30pm. Just have to make sure i dont binge tonight.
I have a funny way of eating my yoghurt i realised today. I put my spoon in so it is just coated and then lick it. ive worked out for each lick im having approx 1 cal. It takes me about 30mins to eat a tub of yoghurt that way.
It is a disgustingly rainy day in the East of Melbourne today. I wish the good weather could have gone on forever. I hope some of you other girlies are having fun in the sun. Xoxo

Monday, October 11, 2010

1 Month Countdown

Today is officialy 1 month until my 20th birthday. I dont want to be fat in another birthday picture. The goal is to lose 5kg (at least) this month, which i think is quite possible to do if i actually put in the effort. I made a new tab called "Safe Foods" last night. it is basically what it says it is. Anyway from now until then i must never ever ever ever go over 1200 cal, fast at least 1 day a week and go to the gym at least 3 days a week. Im going to have to cut off some time with friends because i always eat more and more bad food when im with them. But sacrifices must be made and im sure they will be happier to hang out with me when i look beautiful and skinny.
The other day i tried to make a post of before and after/now pics but for some reason the before pic wouldnt load. When was taking the "now" photos the light from the window was making the camera focus wierd and theres a pic that looks like i have unusually skinny legs. obviously you can tell which pic has my real legs.


Friday, October 8, 2010

Let Me Be Free!

After being a good girl and locking myself away from alcohol, drugs and general fun times for 5 months, im starting to tire of it. I want to run away for a week and just party. I want a life where i actually do things, instead of limiting myself all the time. I can see my self finishing treatment and completely destroying my newly healthy liver a week after. Why must i have this self destructive streak? I need to let loose like nothing in the world matters and forget everything. Escape.

Foodstuffs for today = Fail. FUCK! I hate my stupid fat greedy self.

Here is some pics of Summer Glau who starred in the only sci-fi series/film i will ever truly love - Firefly/Serenity.



Monday, October 4, 2010

Low Cal Jelly...

how can something taste so good without doing much damage? I feel that i should make a shrine to your gelatinous goodness.
So it is 5:30pm and i have consumed approx 400 cal. I am going to have an egg and the rest of my jelly for dinner, and a coffee if i need it, which takes me to 550 cal at max. Im so drained of energy atm its not funny. But then i am incredibly ill and feverish and my insides are melting. Oh and sleep is being the biggest bitch ever. I was up at 4am this moring plucking my leg hairs with a tweezer. Possibly the coolest hobby ever right?
But in very good news, my friend came over the other day and ate pretty much everything for me :) i was in complete mothering, feed everything mode. i stuffed 2 servings of lasagne, 3 servings of satay chicken and rice, an egg, half a packet of cheese, rice crackers and tim tams into him before he left. Stupid boy can eat anything and still weigh less than me.
Now my grandma will come home to an empty fridge and think i ate everything... fooled her :)
Oh and in response to comments on my last post... yeh the girl swimmers are massive, but the guy swimmers bodies are to die for! I used to be a swimmer and have the goddamn body for it too, minus the big feet (my feet are tiny).
To the girls that used to do gymnastics - i used to be so jealous of you. i tried gymastics once and realised that it was for skinny girls with flexibility and good balance. i never went back. and yeh boobs arent really a prized possession in the gymnast scene.
Stay strong my lovelies. xoxo

Fat Fat Fatty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnUf5GHNLOc
Even though its comedy i still watch it to make myself feel bad about eating. im in a post purge bad mood. but on the plus side the commonwealth games are on... constant thinspo/sportspo for 2 weeks. i cant wait to watch gymnastics. those girls are so little and so flexible.
So here is some gymnastic themed thinspo