Friday, December 31, 2010
Basically at them moment im losing my friends... ive been going out less and less lately and they are starting to get pissed off. my bestie especially. its my fault and i can understand him being frustrated but i cant explain to him what is going on.
he is quite judgemental about this kind of thing... like if he knew i was bulimic he would say "just stop" or "just go and get help." he has also told me that he doesnt believe in antidepressants. he thinks that if i stopped taking them i would behave the same way.
over the last few weeks ive been sinking further into my ED and depression. i now fit the requirements for bulimia instead of EDNOS as my purging is everyday now and has been for a few months. im finding it hard to spend time with people in general, but with him and his group of friends especially coz they are so social and carefree. to be honest there is only one person i want to spend time with, because he understands, not totally but he has been depressed before so can relate a bit.
I dont know what to do as me and my bestie have been friends for over 7 years now and i love him soo much. we had plans to move out together next year as well. im ruining everything but at the same time i cant stop this or tell him why im being such a loser. i guess the only thing to do is grit my teeth and go out and pretend im having fun. i have actually done that a few times but its hard to keep up, i end up leaving the club after only an hour of being there.
Eh life sucks right now. im not doing new years eve and there is a music festival tomorrow ive paid for but dont even want to go to. $130 down the drain if i dont go.
Ima go try think of happy things i might come back later and post new years resolutions if i feel more inspired. ciao lovelies.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I am typing and binging at the same time! Pure skill right? Everyone is out and i am taking advantage of it by having a mass binge and purge session and blogging. Possibly the coolest person ever right now. Yes i am in a sarcastic mood.
Anyhoo my sister threw a massive haouse party last night. I spent 2 hours trying to be the responsible/mature adult and then said fuck it and got wasted. I passed out at like 2 and awoke to nutrigrain and frozen vegetables scattered around the house.
---brb purge time---
Ahhh much better.
So i still have no idea what my weight is. I havnt been to the gym for ages coz ive been so busy with Christmas and whatnot. We used to have scales at this house and now they are gone too. I hope my Grandma hasnt found out about my purging and told my parents to hide their scales too. I dont know why this is stressing me out so much coz i will most likely be the same weight. but i just want to know. what if when i check im up like 5kg or something horrible? Bleh!
For all the purgers out there i have a question... Does your chest hurt when you do it? Sometimes i have to stop and wait for a minute then start again coz of it. I dont want to die like that. You know those pictures that people post on PT every so often of the dead girl whose stomach ruptured? That scares me so much. Not really the dying part but the people finding me like that. thats the main reason i dont tell anyone about this shit. Coz i dont want to worry them. I dont want anybody to feel that they have to help me because i know i am beyond help.
Ok have to stop being so emo.... I bought some really awesome jewellery the other day. i have a ring with a scorpion on it and lizard earings. I know it sounds wierd but they are really cute.
G2G my sister just got back. Xo
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Scales... very old and have some kind of floral pattern on them. Much loved item coz despite being so old gave me the same weight as the gym scales which i trust.
So i felt like i was losing weight. I dont know if you girls (and boys i actually have 2 beautiful boys following me now *waves* hi there fellas) ever get the feeling that you are somehow lighter than usual but on rare occasions it happens to me. usually i feel heavy. Ive just got in and i go to weigh myself but NOOOO! the scales are gone! i bet grandma has taken them to her new bf's house. now i have to weigh at my parents place. That usually makes me seem lighter and then i get happy until i weigh somewhere else and then i cry coz im 2kg heavier than they say! pooey.
Well today i am the bearer of bad news. Its seems my internet stick does not work in the shithole where my parents house is situated. This will be my place of residence for the next month and a bit until my friends lease ends and we find a new place to live. So i probably wont be updating you lovelies that frequently. I will have to take my sisters laptop and take a bus out of town to give all you guys the hot goss (aka random crap) about my life.
On the plus side though... it is a 5 min walk to the gym! yaysies. And i get to see my kitties. I love my kitties dearly. They are my babies.
Anyhoo hope you kids are all doing great and have a brilliant Christmas with lots of good presents and not too much food :P
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Anyhoo while cleaning my sock drawer i came across a lil bag. in that lil bag was a lil amount of speed. It has been there for like 10 months left over from a music festival. I assumed drugs dont go off and i ate it. Then i was super cleaning lady! do drugs count as food? if so i think they would defs be negative cals :P
This is a quick post coz i have to get back to cleaning and then meet a friend but yeh i just wanted to share my happiness with you kids. xo
Friday, December 17, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
On a good note it has been a week without purging now. I was so tempted the other night. the parents got pizza and i hadnt eaten all day and gave in. I binged sooo badly that i should be harpooned by the japanese and made into whale sushi. But i didnt purge. Half my mind says its a good thing the other half is strongly opposed to that theory.
If i have calculated the cals correctly i shouldnt gain but ive ruined the hard work i did the day before. Well poo!
I need to do another cartoon soon. Not today coz im half dead but there will be one up maybe tomorrow or the next day. Also just letting people know that if they are doing my plan and want to change it around a bit to suit them thats fine. I made it to my needs but everyone is different. So if your are finding it too easy or hard or maybe your too poor atm you can just mix it up :)
Anyways im off to pass out. Toodle Pip!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
B-May - Im going with my bestie (gay) another gay and another girl. Are you going next year? We could even catch up if you felt like it?
Mel - Wow 3lbs in one day is awesome! i wish something like that would happen to me...everyday :P
Mich - Thats a good way to look at it. i reckon you feel less hungry in the morning too. so if you avoid a binge by sleeping and dont feel hungry in the morning then you think your superwoman!
So back to reality... today i do feel proud. I worked out and restricted really well. Ive been craving all sorts of horrible junk foods but havnt eaten any. I scored 27 today so thats another $3 into savings. Ive taken into account the half cup of warm milk and salada im about to eat before bed in those calculations. I find its best for me to eat an hour after i wake up to kick start my metabolism and before i go to bed so i can sleep. during the day i can get by with just a few bites of food when i feel a bit weak. Do you eat at certain times of the day? why those times?
Well im off. Quite tired now. Xo
Friday, December 10, 2010
today i scored : 28 which meants i have to put away $3
Im so poor at the moment so that is going to make me work so much harder to keep the money i need. i went over my internet allowance for last month and they have just taken $100 from my account :( thats $60 extra than usual. I still have about $100 of christmas shopping to do too. Oh how i wish i had a job. I looked up receptionist jobs yesterday but they all want experience. I wish i knew someone who owned a company or had some high position that could get me in. Everyone is telling me i should wait until after xmas to look as hiring season was a few months back. Its just a bit poo.
Ive been a bit slow on commenting blogs lately. I have so many followers now. If i havnt commented it doesnt mean i havnt read your post. im just too lazy to think of a comment. See i like to write meaningful comments not just "well done" or "stay strong" even though if i do say those things i mean it. But i think advice to a problem or responding to what the person have written about is just nicer. But then sometimes I wont know how to respond or think my comment sounds stupid, so i just dont comment at all. And also if heapsa people have already commented on a post i tend not to comment either coz i feel like in late to the party and everyone has already said everything. Does anyone else feel like this?
0 cals = 15 points
200 cals = 12 points
400 cals = 10 points
600 cals = 8 points
800 cals = 6 points
1000 cals = 4 points
1200 cals = 2 points
Over 1500 = -4 points
Over 2000 = -8 points
5+ hours = 15 points
4 hours = 10 points
3 hours = 8 points
2 hours = 6 points
1 hour = 4 points
1/2 an hour = 2 points
8-10 hours = 10 points
6 hours = 6 points
4 hours = 4 points
2 hours = 2 points
Over 10 hours = -2 points
Over 12 hours = -4 points
Over 14 hours = -6 points
Stretching = 2 points
Clean Bedroom = 2 points
See a friend = 2 points
Take vitamins = 1 point
Update blog = 1 point
Purge free day = 2 points
ADDING IT UP AND SAVING THE $$$
So after the day is over add up your score. Your score will determine how much money you have to put away in a money box/bank each day.
40+ is $0
30 - 39 is $2
25 - 29 is $3
20 - 25 is $5
10 - 19 is $10
0 - 9 is $15
any negatives is $20
SPENDING THE SAVINGS
You are allowed to spend your savings at the end of 2 weeks or if you complete 3 days in a row with a score of 40+
So my friend just came round and i think he might know about my purging. This is what he said...
"I wasnt going to go to this party tonght coz i felt sick. Must have eaten bad food from work. But i wanted to go so i stuck my fingers down my throat like an immature 15 year old. It was disgusting."
I dont know if he was just saying it or if he was hinting at something.
He has commented that i take a long time in the bathroom once before after i had purged.
What would you do in this situation? Im just not going to say anything. go denial!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
I actually just had a super cool idea to incorporate in my diet. this diet will be a money saving one :)
So tomorrow im going to make a new page called "diets" which will list what is involved in each one and in what order i will do them. Im thinking a modified version of the MK diet first and the ABC diet last, coz for me that is the ultimate challenge and will signify completion. If anyone wants to join me on my venture feel free. Just let me know.
Much love. Xo
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Seriously half the peoples i follow arent blogging anymore. It makes me really sad. It even makes me not want to post as much. Its like i kinda knew those people and now they are just gone :(
So how long have you been blogging? Have you ever had a period of time where you didnt blog and then came back to it? I have been doing this blog for 5 months now and i dont think i have gone a week without posting in that time.
In the last week i have only purged once, which is amazing seeing as before that i was purging at least twice a day. Suprisingly i havnt put on weight either. I really think the scales are broken coz i have eaten so much and pretty much not purged any of it. There should be at least an extra kilo on me.
I have to wrap this up coz my friend will be here in a minute, but i might do another post later. xo
Sunday, December 5, 2010
So i went to Stereosonic music festival on Saturday. Despite looking like an absolute freak i had a great time.... although little blue pills make things seem better. My friends seriously attacked me with fake tan and teased my hair. I was basically an oompa loompa.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
hey how are you?
aaaahahahaha its you!
i dont recognise u
you have a really bad memory
wen did we meet?
few years ago
wat did we do
this is hilarious
we sexed fool
did we? was i any good?
nah u had a small willie
lol not anymore
so your a big boy now?
where did we fuck?
at your house
oh i know now
was i a good root?
i already answered that
u crack me up
so what are u still doing on here?
getting any action?
i get enough
well thats good
always fun to get your whistle wet
nah there is cobwebs growing down there
yeh sometimes they ticle a bit and make me feel good
ice ice baby
got any ice *twiches*
fancy some cock?
nah ive already eaten
Oh and in case you are wondering why my font is suddenly different and underlined, i have no idea. It is pissing me off enourmously! What ever i press it wont change. Grr.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I dont know if any of you have heard of this site before... i hadnt until today. You basically answer questions and for every correct answer they donate rice to starving people in underdeveloped countries. It was in a post on PT today and i just think it is totally awesome.
Then i thought i should tell my wonderful followers incase they didnt know. that lead to me thinking not only is this great for the world but also a great distraction for us. I thought we could start a group on freerice and get as much rice as we can. So this is my profile on there...
Add me as a friend. If i get over 5 friends i will make a group.
I will totally love you forever if you do this. Xo
In other news... my hair is falling out :( not coz of malnutrition coz of dirty liver treatment. Also my skin has gone to shit. Its all dry, especially on my face. It looks like i have herpes. I finish treatment in 2 days though so it should get better in the next few weeks. I possibly wont be posting much this coming weekend as i am super busy being social and fun for once. My friends and i have tickets for Stereosonic music festival where we will go and dance and just generally be stupid. I was going to have a few drinks there seeing now after 8 months i am allowed to. But nooo because i am poor. I just forked our $200 for Sydney Mardi Gras next year. So goodbye savings. Theres so many things i need to buy right now and i just cant. Its a bit sad.
Anyhoo what is the next purchase on your shopping lists girls? Can you afford it? Do you really need it?
Stay Safe Xo
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Which actress would i turn gay for... now this is hard... probably Summer Glau. She is hot!
And if could have 5 people to dinner (dead or alive) i would have... Nostradamus, Moses, Freud, a translator (because non of those people speak english) and Jensen Ackles (to stay back and help "clean up"). Yep pretty much the best selection of dinner guests ever!
Today i had my STAT ("try and get into uni test" for those who dont know). i think i did alright because i answered all the questions but i wont truly know until i get the results and then hopefully a place. The girl who sat in front of me could have been a model she was so thin... all i could think before i started my test was... "how do all her organs fit in that tiny body?"
Appart from that i was also thinking about how best to get away from the girl behind me, who although i couldnt see, i could hear sniffling and sneezing at me. I could just feel the germs on my back. Eeewww!
Well id love to stay and chat but i didnt sleep last night and bed is calling me. Take care. Xo
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Well kids seeing as you wanted it. And you know i cant say no to such beautiful people, here is a new cartoon. I entitle this... "The Difference between Mirander Kerr and Me."
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-a-lot FTW! Lol i wish someone would "love my healthy butt." I wish i could love it actually.
I am feeling really good today :)
I woke up early and went to the hospital with my friend. I didnt ends up going to ikea, but i didnt mind. everything just felt great... to the point i was laughing and annoying my friend pretending to be a inflatable flailing armed tube man!
Ive eaten approx 1400 cals today and i dont even care that much! that is how good today is.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Ive been purging way too much and my mind is really fucking with me. Yesterday i found out 2 of my friends had gone to the beach and not invited me. i was up half the night thinking it was because im fat and they wouldnt want to be seen with me at the beach. But then if they had asked i probably would have said no anyway, because social situations are just overwhelming for me at the moment. Maybe that could be another reason they didnt ask me.
If i keep going like this im going to have no friends at all. But i dont know how to stop. Its just instinct for me now. Im not getting professional help tho because i have tried that before and it was just hell. Half the people didnt even know what they were talking about. I had one doctor tell me to grow up and get a life.
I dont even like the taste of food at the moment. Everything tastes bad. When i get hungry i crave junk and then i binge and purge it. I dont enjoy it at all. eh... sorry about the annoying rant. ill talk about something else now.
Sooo.... tomorrow im going to the hospital so they can steal my blood, and then going to ikea with a friend so they can buy hously items. I love ikea so much though. I could seriously spend a whole day in there just looking around. Ive also been invited to a kickboxing class with my friend. Ive never been to a class before and to be honest i am terrified. People in general unnerve me and people watching me exercise... well i could possible die. It was hard enough to get myself to go to the gym (really small gym, that is 24 hour so i can go at night for less people) and to be honest i havnt been there for 3 weeks coz im scared of my new trainer. Why am i scared of everything?!!!
What are you scared of girls? the dark? the boogie man? getting fat... Hell yeah im scared of that! Xo
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
so today ive done sit ups, push ups, squats, lunges, strectches, 1/2 hour walk in the sun and now finishing with and hour or so ride in the dark.
There is banana sitting literally right in front of me. i thought i wanted to eat it, then i changed my mind... now i just dont know what to do with the damn thing. It is taunting me! eat me it says... eat me! i am high in potassium, which is a vitamin your body is possibly craving. i am tasty and filling but i contain 100 cals making it impossibly hard for you to decide to eat me.
Ive already had approx 900cals today, but net cals would be much less... goddamn you hunger!
Maybe the banana should be a reward for completing the bike ride... but then i shouldnt reward exercising with food coz that just undoes everything... aaaahhhh!
So girls how are you? Has any evil foods been taunting you today? I hope not. Xo
Sunday, November 21, 2010
I think im going crazy. Im somewhat scared to go outside. I dont want to see or talk to people. yet at the same time i want someone to hold me and just understand. tell me eveything is going to be alright. Life doesnt work like that though. I just have to keep pushing through.
A lot of my friends just seem too immature at the moment. I just seem so lonely because im not in a good position to find new ones outside the internet arena presently.
Christmas is coming up... im trying to think of good presents to give the family. I dont like Christmas by the way. I dont see the point of it as i am not at all religious, i would rather give presents on my own accord not because i have to and it stresses everyone out. Especially me as i like my gifts to be unique or tailored to the recipiant.
I thought i would give passionfruit vines to my parents. a female for mummy and a male for daddy and then the vines could germinate and have passionfruit babies.... for me to eat :P
Its harder to think of gifts for my sis and 2 brothers. Sure chocolate and playstation games would do but... anyone could get them that. Im thinking some kind of pets... but i am sure to get in trouble for that and get asked to take them back.
And then there is grandma. I already got her a colouring book called "I Love My Grandma" for her birthday so she could colour it in. Now im out of ideas. Do you lovelies have any suggestions? My sis is 18, bros are 12 and 15, and grandma is old... obviously.What do you want for Xmas? Dont say anything obvious like "to lose 50lbs" coz we want that all the time. something realistic.
Much Love. Xo
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Ahhh food is bad even when you dont eat it! I have a itchy rash on my wrist from cutting up chicken. I didnt even eat the damn stuff. Just did the completely normal thing of weighing it out into 100 gram portions then freezing it for later. Do any of you guys weigh your food? sometimes i just get the desire to weigh everything.
So i started a fast at 7pm tonight just for funsies. im not puting a limit on it im just gonna see how far i can go, then beat that on the next fast and so on and so forth. So according to my calculations i have gone 6 hours and 37 mins without food. Obviously im not very far in.
I can not wait til i move out. Ive started looking for houses with my friends and ive already been thinking about grocery shopping (think best value and how long can i make it last and get all zee vitamins with the smallest amount of eating). Seriously my mind doesnt stray far does it... food food food.
I have to get back into the gym routine! ive been noticing a pattern... i go full force at it for 2 weeks, then i just give up and lock myself inside for 2 weeks and then i get guilty and the cycle starts again.
Ima feeling a bit better since taking my pills again. Why cant my brain just work properly by itself.
Ooooh... Good news kiddies! Just took my 2nd last injection, which means i will be feeling fitter and healthier in a month if not less time :) then after that i am free to ruin my new liver!!! which of course i am going to try not to do. despite being a fool i have learnt somewhat of a lesson from this experience... it sucks. So drugs and drinks are only for special occasions eg. festivals or birthdays.
P.S going to Sydney for Mardi Gras next year! Sooo excited! Ima be the coolest fag hag there! and my little gay boy will have so much fun. just thinking about my baby shaking his thang for the boys... awww
Yeh you may be able to tell that im in a wierd hyper mood. Possibly a good thing, possibly a bad thing if i crash. Anyhooo i was thinking of making a new email/msn address so that i could chat to all you beauties when im lonesome. If you like this idea let me know and ill do it :)
Stay strong and lots of love. Xo
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
If anyone is following me and im not following you back just leave a comment and i will do so. Xo
Sunday, November 14, 2010
This means now more than ever i cannot let myself binge. Without purging i will be the size of a house next week. So im making a new plan...
Its pretty simple - under 1000 cal 5 days a week. Fast 1 day. Under 1500 for 1 day (this will be saved for social occaisions). The thought process behind it goes... i have to eat enough cals that i wont go crazy and binge, or die when im at the gym, coz treatment takes a lot out of me in conjunction with not eating. but i have to lose wieght as well. lots of weight! right now my mind i screaming at me... 1000cal is too much... why not fast forever!?
Although if i say under 1000 then 0 is still under 1000.... mwahaha!
Anyways to kick it off i will be fasting 2moro after gym. This time im going to stick it out... i have to!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Probably the best thing to to would be to start on last Tuesday which i was pumped for and then turned into somewhat of a fiasco... So ive recently made a new friend who is nuts about biking (like mountain and road bikes) and we decided to go on nice ride around my area. Knowing this social activity would be burning calories i agreed. He told me would be riding 15kms which i thought would be ok if i took it easy. Because of my liver treatment i cant do too much exercise else i get really sick. We later worked out we had gone 22kms when this happened...
Can anyone say embarrasing? anyway me being stupid and not wanting to look weak kept going after this. didnt get far before we had to stop and i had to sit down before i fainted. We had to call a cab to take us home. Then because i couldnt keep anything down, inculding water, and i was muchly dehydrated. He got me gastrolyte and saladas.
After i was feeling better i remembered my tofu which was marinating in the fridge. I thought i had got all the liquid out but when i cooked it, it went all sloppy :( i tried to eat some anyway and came to the realisation that satay marinade isnt as tasty as i thought it would be. so i threw it out.
By then it was about midnight and i was wrecked. but my mind was all "yay lets not sleep!" so i didnt go to bed until 3am. Where i found THE MOTH! ...It didnt die for an hour!
The next day contained the dreaded banoffee pie and mexican food for dinner. Its times like this where i think friends are bad for me.
Thursday was my actual birthday, which began with my aunt taking me to a chocolate shop/ cafe for lunch. I just had a salad sandwich and gave the chocolate to my brothers later. they were a million time happier with it than me. I thought that hurdle was over... NO... 10 minutes later i unwrapped a massive box of chocolates from my sister and candy accompanied grandma's birthday money. i got a hairdryer that i wanted from my parents and my brothers gave me an itunes voucher... i was so thankful for those non food gifts.
Birthday dinner was a bbq which was ok coz i just had a little bit of steak and a heap of salad. The cheesecake (speacially made by mother dearest) was the desert and my birthday cake which i had to have some of. Ironically while i was eating this my personal trainer rang reminding me i had a session today.
So therefore today i went to the gym. how he forgot the session during the night i dont know. but he turned up late and we didnt end up doing it anyway. I just did my own workout and now i feel like i havnt done anything at all for some reason. Eh
I think that is it, i will make a new post if anything else pops up. Much love Xo
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
MadelinaCooke - Omg yes! at least 5kg by Chrissy. We can do it gorgeous!
morbid.diathesis - Above and beyond are my absolute fave artist at the moment. their music is just great for chilling or reminiscing. always just makes me sit there and think and be calm. If you are into alternative Birds Of Tokyo are good or for creepy psycho music try out Velvet Acid Christ.
So i just got back from the shops where i bought tofu for the first time ever. On finding it was only 46 cals a serve and under $2 i couldnt resist. Im going to try it for din dins tonight. thought i would do it satay with some veggies. What do you think? Any other suggestions?
This has been made worse by the fact i have skipped taking my happy pills for 3 days and my brain is rebelling. So yeh im sorry for all the annoying and emotional posts blabbing on about randomness.
But seriously my intake over the past few days has been atrocious. I really need to get a move on dropping these pounds. i have been the same weight for the past 3 months. its horrible. sure i havnt gained but if i had tried harder i could have lost at least another 10kg by now.
Anyways i cant really think of much to say right now so you guys can ask me questions. Anything you want to ask just go for it. if you think of something and arent going to write it coz you think its rude... i dont care! do it. i love you all very much. every one of my followers is an inspiration to me. xo
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Eric has accepted your invitation to start Backgammon.
a game of backgammon with the gents
how was polo this morning old chap?
havnt played polo for a while, sadly
oh thats right not since ur riding accident
so, what do i do?
and remember, i play bike polo
earnest is such a wild horse
so theres a lot of accidents, no tramplings
no u fell off ernest the horse
can you tell me how to play??
oh u dont know?
as you may have quessed from me asking three times
i suppose u were drunk last week when we played cedric
too much whiskey
(noYe:my brain does not deal well with sidetracking when it doesnt compehend something)
(if theres something i dont understand, i cant bloody deal with anything els till i do)
have you noticed the new hearth?
(was a hint to give up on that part)
well backgammon is a game of ye olde gentlemen
so i thought u would know how to play
damn, just found the rules, and i closed the thing
it doesnt matter we can take the hounds for a stroll
you need brandy
(*urge to kick things*)
no they didnt have footy in those days
(i am trying so hard not to say fuck off)
although i think they beat children and slaves
)but there, i have)
oh am i annoying you?
sorry im overly tired
you didnt get the hint?
i do this sometimes
and i do this sometimes
get irrationally stressed by combinations of things
oh ok im sorry
the game didnt really matter i thought we were having fun just talking about nothing
I dont think he was impressed.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Would it be incredibly mean to invite a boy over for cuddles but nothing else? i want company, but i dont want sex or a boyfriend. most of all i dont want any kisses. Im pretty sure he likes me, but i dont like him any more than a friend. it just feels mean to make him come to my house get a cuddle then ask him to leave.
Im in a needy mood today. i dont like it. need to be less dependant on others.
Cals for today... approx 1300. Too much.
Exercise - 1 hour walk. Not enough.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Now ive been noticing a trend in the blogs ive been reading lately... everyone (not really everyone but more people than usual) is having birthdays this month. Go all you sexy scorpios. I am preparing for a lot of people to think im crazier than usual right now coz... i may have a small belief in astrology. and im not saying everyone that is born in the same month is exactly the same because they arent, but for those who dont know every person will have a different astrological natal chart even if they are born on the same day.
Anyways ive read my natal chart for years and always thought that the influence of scorpio/pluto may have had something to do with my eating disorder. I do have a pluto sun conjuction, which is said to intensify certain aspects of personality depending on the sign it is in. mine is in scorpio which i find intensifies my selfdestructive streak.
If anyone is interested in this please talk to me. i would love to have a good convo about it.
Here are some links that might help people understand or learn more.
http://alabe.com/freechart/ <<<< this gives you a pretty simple natal chart.
http://www.chaosastrology.net/freeastrologyreports.cfm <<< more in depth chart and interpretation.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
I took 5 laxies last night. just wondering how long it takes for other people to get the effects? it takes me like 14 hours. is that normal? and i know this is way too much info but i thought there would be more of... an output shall we say.
to answer peoples questions... yes i was inspired by the blog http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ of course her work is way better than mine.
and yes i did make it home ok... although there was a period of about half an hour before i could lift myself up from the floor on which i had collapsed.
Hope everyone is going great. xo
Friday, October 29, 2010
So this happened all just a few hours ago. My first mistake went a little like this...
Anyhoo i hope you girlies are having a somewhat better day than me :)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I had just busted my ass at the gym. i rode approx 5kms and did 5km on the treadmill and did weights too. deciding to do an extra 5 mins on the bike was my downfall. it made me miss my bus home to the healthy sushi i had prepared for my dinner. so i decided to kill time visiting my sister, who thought offering me pizza would be a nice thing to do. Me being completely ravenous and energy drained gobbled it up. aaahhh! if that wasnt enough, i of course got the undeniable feeling to purge. i am so sure my sister heard me. i swear if she says anything to my parents i will murder her.
The only positive i can get from this situation is even if i do put on weight is that ill be toned underneath all the fat.
Oh but in good news my pants are falling down... do you know why?... coz they are too big :)
Love for you all. xoxo
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Which makes me think. 1. the scales are broken or 2. that purging works.
I went to the gym to find i have now lost another personal trainer. Its really pissing me off that they all leave... maybe there is something wrong with the gym. As soon as i use up all the sessions on my contract i am going to find a new gym to use. i really want my own home gym but that is way to expensive, and i dont have anywhere to put all the equipment.
Anyway i would write more but im extremely tired so i will leave it to tomorrow. xo
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I still find him incredibly hot though. He came fresh from work in his suit. In case you dont know, men in suits make me jizz. And i love the conversations i have with him. But a 12 year age difference just isnt going to work.
Anyway i have a date with someone new tomorrow... so we will see.
Ate well until i saw him and he insisted we get fish and chips for dinner. But for the whole day im pretty sure my cals were about 1000. So not too bad.
Going up to babysit the pets at my parents place tomorrow and thurday night. I plan to download as many songs as i can because i have nearly used up all my internet here for this month.
Hope all you beautifuls are having great days. Xo
Monday, October 18, 2010
i had beef stir fry for dinner... purged... i cant keep anything down at the moment. i bought laxitives today. i had 5 after dinner but nothing has happened yet. i havnt used them before so im not sure what to expect but i thought something would have happened by now.
Got a new hair cut the other day. im regretting it. its to short and doeant sit properly. bleh.
Hope everyone is going good. Xo
Anything written on this blog is truth. If there is information i dont think belongs here i will just not write it. I will tell people i live east of melbourne, but not the exact suburb.
Mona- My fave colour is green. I love australia. In my opinion it is probably one of the best places to live at this time.
Bella- Welcome to you and welcome to your craziness. As far as i know no one in my "real" life knows about this blog. If they do they havnt said anything.
Kristina- Hell no! I love australia. I cant stand the cold weather. Summer in Aus is coming and im going to live it up!
Sarah- I am a night person. Everything seems different at night and its beautiful.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
6 chocolate royals
8 choc chip cookies
5 dim sims
2 kiwi fruit
1/2 a jelly
2 sushi rolls
6 chipolata sausages
4 peices of bread
1/2 a bag of starburst lollies
4 corn thins
2 litres of up and go
and every single thing on that list i threw up. Last night i also tried to do a salt water flush but screwed it up because i couldnt keep down all the salt water. Its times like these i think i need help. But i know i would never get it. The only way to stop this is to do it all by myself. i dont know if thats a possibility at the moment. happiness seems so far away.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I now have 35 of you lovely people.
Im sick again but thats no big news lol. i tried to go to the gym yesterday but after i spent 15 mins on the treadmill i thought i was dying so i went home. I walked for 20 mins in the rain to get there. Today i am having a day at home, trying to rest up so i can work out again soon. So far i have eaten a low cal yoghurt (70), a homemade sushi roll (162) and a coffee (34). So all up 266 cals and it is 4:30pm. Just have to make sure i dont binge tonight.
I have a funny way of eating my yoghurt i realised today. I put my spoon in so it is just coated and then lick it. ive worked out for each lick im having approx 1 cal. It takes me about 30mins to eat a tub of yoghurt that way.
It is a disgustingly rainy day in the East of Melbourne today. I wish the good weather could have gone on forever. I hope some of you other girlies are having fun in the sun. Xoxo
Monday, October 11, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
So it is 5:30pm and i have consumed approx 400 cal. I am going to have an egg and the rest of my jelly for dinner, and a coffee if i need it, which takes me to 550 cal at max. Im so drained of energy atm its not funny. But then i am incredibly ill and feverish and my insides are melting. Oh and sleep is being the biggest bitch ever. I was up at 4am this moring plucking my leg hairs with a tweezer. Possibly the coolest hobby ever right?
But in very good news, my friend came over the other day and ate pretty much everything for me :) i was in complete mothering, feed everything mode. i stuffed 2 servings of lasagne, 3 servings of satay chicken and rice, an egg, half a packet of cheese, rice crackers and tim tams into him before he left. Stupid boy can eat anything and still weigh less than me.
Now my grandma will come home to an empty fridge and think i ate everything... fooled her :)
Oh and in response to comments on my last post... yeh the girl swimmers are massive, but the guy swimmers bodies are to die for! I used to be a swimmer and have the goddamn body for it too, minus the big feet (my feet are tiny).
To the girls that used to do gymnastics - i used to be so jealous of you. i tried gymastics once and realised that it was for skinny girls with flexibility and good balance. i never went back. and yeh boobs arent really a prized possession in the gymnast scene.
Stay strong my lovelies. xoxo