Hello dearest blog,
I write to you while I transfer all the music I have on cd (which is basically all from 2007 and prior) on to my newly reformatted computer. After finding that ive used up 95% of my monthly internet allowance and not having at all enough music I have unearthed the music of my highschool years. So here we have; three days grace, nine inch nails, sum 41, eminem, evanescence, christina aguilera, greenday, tatu, fall out boy and disturbed to name a few.
I am being extra carefull not to go over my 6GB limit because I don’t want to pay extra money of which I have no idea of the amount. So I most likely wont make another post until next week.
Anyway today I decided to go on a rather long walk which im unsure was a good idea seeing as the half was point was mcdonalds. My healthy walk inevitably turned into a binge. My binging confused me as it was a long time since my last episode and it was extremely controlled. I calmly ordered my small cheeseburger meal knowing exactly what I was doing, ate it slowly (which is very unusual), checked the calories on the wrapper and told myself if I had gone over 300 I would purge. It came to approx 520 so to the bathroom I went. After ridding myself of the meal I simply walked home.
Gordon ( friend and occaisional fuck buddy) came over at about 7 and after talking, playing cards and watching tv we ended up having sex. It was physically very good but left me craving a real relationship with someone who im actually attracted to.
I want and quite honestly probably need to put myself wholeheartedly into something constructive like a relationship, a career/ job or some study. My life at the moment seems meaningless, im not doing anything. I stabbed myself (affectionate way of talking about my weekly injection) today so my body will be screwed up for at least the next 3 days. I cant get a job because I never know if im going to be feeling well enough and my sleeping patterns are so weird that I would probably be late all the time anyway. I need a hobbie. Ive thought of learning about growing bonzai plants but I am unsure about it due to my strange thought process...
I think of bonzai plants as I do of bonzai kittens. For those who don’t know bonzai kittens are stuffed into small bottles while they are growing so just their heads poke out the top. They then grow inside formed (or deformed)to that shape. It is disgusting! My mind says “what if plants plants have feelings too?”. Maybe im crazy but as cute as the little trees look it seams mean.
So I have to think of a new hobbie to take up. Im off to contemplate this.