Monday, September 27, 2010

A Summer Girl

Woop just got a free training sesh coz my normal trainer didnt show up. the one i had today was an older guy with a scottish accent. he was cool and talked heaps. So far my net cals for today are in the negatives but im hungry and a homemade lentil burger with salad is calling my name. ive worked out if i eat it my cals will come to +331 so im sitting here debating to myself. i will end up eating it just have to see how long i can put it off.
In other news i am totally stressed out! last night i had an epiphany. i realised that the course that i have applied to do isnt right for me and i want to do psychology. ive already done all the forms and paid the application for my massage course and my friend is also doing the same course. to do psychology i will most likely have to do a counselling course then transfer, and it will take twice as long to complete. but its what im passionate about. what do i do? ahh!
Also while walking to the bus for gym i was thinking about summer. and i decided that although i love the book i am not a "Winter Girl." you see i think summer embraces weightloss better for me. it is the time of salads and swimming compared to big warm winter meals and laying by the fire. now i get cold really easily as im sure a lot of you do too so i would rather be playing beach volleyball in the sun burning off some cals than huddled under 5 jumpers. bring on the summer in the southern hemisphere (you kids up north have already had it too long)
Anyhoo im sending some love out to all my lovelies. stay strong. xoxo

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Mylanta My Love

im addicted! i looked up what makes stomach ulcers feel better and it said get an antacid. which is like mylanta or tums. so they have been the main part of my diet for the last few days. they taste really good too which now is leading me to believe they are prob high cal. i have to have them tho coz the pain is horrible. its like hunger but 10x worse. ive worked out that if i take them and still feel pain it means im actually hungry.

in other news, the other night i felt the need to let out my inner gay man. so thats what i did. i went to see my bestie, who happens to be gay, and we went out clubbing. we usually go to a place called 'the market' but its not been very good lately so we shecked out this new place called 'disgraceland.' it was really good. we met lots of people and danced like fools. my bestie being the hot stuff he is had all the guys there chasing him. only bad thing is that i have a stamp on my arm that says"disgrace" that wont come off. ive had 2 showers and scrubbed till it hurt! anyway the next day i went home and watched my guilty pleasure of the moment "queer as folk." while doing this i thought to myself if i woke up tomorrow with a penis i wouldnt be sad. (well if i woke up as a man coz if i was a girl with a penis id probs kill myself.)

as for food ive decided to keep with the under 1000 cal thing for a while because it should still allow me to lose weight while preventing bingeing, which is most important to me at the moment. No Bingeing!!! and i have already started doing more and pushing myself harder at the gym so ill just work off all the fat. the goal is to lose at least 5kgs by november. i can do it :)
ps. i took this the other day just for kicks. mmm breakfast >>>>

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Stomach Ulcer... Again :(

I know i have one coz i know the feeling. Pain, and when you drink water even more pain. Grr.
Im going to try and eat normally (1200 cals) until Sunday. Im doing this because... im getting sick, i just want to binge all the time and it might help this stomach ulcer.
Also i swear my new personal trainer is killing me slowly. He is so much better than the old one. My legs, arms and lats are so sore! which is a good thing, but kinda bad when its hard to move. My muscles are so hard, im scared he is trying to turn me into a body builder which is not the body shape i am after. Also fitballs = the most embarrasing thing to work with especially when you dont have any balance. Naww i love the gym.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Can You Feel The Love Tonight?

Im in a wierd mood. Im unusually calm just sitting here listening music and singing along occaisionally. Ive been downloading "nice" music. Songs about love and hope and such. Eg: "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?" Elton John, "When You Believe" from The Prince of Egypt soundtrack, "On Fire" Switchfoot. Im also listening to sad but pretty songs like: "Angel" Sarah McLachlan, "Iris" Goo Goo Dolls, "The Scientist" Coldplay.
I wish i had a lover to cuddle. I wish he was just sitting on the couch watching TV waiting for us to go to bed and spoon. I wish while listening to these songs i was thinking up ways to make him smile. I wish i could meet someone who i could devote myself to and forget about everything else.
It probably sounds like im sad and lonely but its really not like that at all. Im happy to wait until the right one comes along, until that happens i can dream. I feel warm and fuzzy inside. I think content is the word :)
I send everyone out there my love and contentment and hope you feel like i do now. Thankyou to everyone who comments for the support that gets me through the tough times. XoXo

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Confuzled

Im going through one of those confused "i dont know what i believe about anything" moments. This covers all areas of my life including the way i conduct my eating habits. the main questions of this are "am i always a bulimic despite of how i try not to be?"

Incase you dont know... i was diagnosed with bulimia at 14. from there i kept going through stages of relapse and recovery. I dont know what is wrong with me, maybe im just naturally one of those "bigger" people but when i recover i am always fat. In actual fact the only time im normal sized or even get close to being thin is when i am in a relapse stage or when i go completely off the rails with drugs, a one time experience. I try soo hard to eat healthy it just doesnt work. At the moment i am trying not to purge by vomiting while sustaining weightloss. So its hard when being a bulimic my natural instinct is to binge. Ive been getting better at controlling binges and restricting my calorie intake but then it all gets undone when i binge again because im not allowed to purge. In my mind the only option is to just not eat at all, because i know after a few days of fasting i have no desire to eat whatsoever. but then i cant function properly and my friends get angry at me for being antisocial and the family is all "WTF why isnt she eating?"

I know people are going to read this and be like "why dont you just go get help and recover completely?" Its because ive gone through it before and it didnt work and to be honest im terrified. There are so many things about the situation of recovery and everything that ties to it that im scared of. Also everytime i think im recovered it doesnt last. I fall back to my old ways.
And i dont think i want to recover either. i like the control even though i usually lose it at least once a week.

This post i pretty pointless just needed to vent. Most likely im just going to continue what i do. Practice makes perfect and maybe ill get better at restricting without binging over time. Maybe im just fucked up.

Love love. Xo

Friday, September 17, 2010

Hungry Hungry Hippo!

Im so fucking hungry. But ive gone beyond the point of hungry to the point of "omg my body feels weak. and i know i should eat. but i really dont feel like it. and i think that everything i put in my mouth will taste like yukkiness."
I have to journey to the city soon to meet my bestie (where im also pretty sure that dinner will occur) and go out dancing. I dont want to be a loser by being totally out of it with hunger when i see my friend but i dont want to eat... dilemma! Probs will end up eating something small before i go and either have a small dinner or end up totally binging at dinner. its usually the way these things go. I Must Not Binge!!!! AHHHH!!! Must not ruin the goodness of fasting!!!
i think im going slightly insane.
Anyhoo much love. Xo

Baby's First Fast

Well first liquid fast in at least 3 years. I only did one day coz im less likely to fail and i can build myself up to more. Anyway it went suprisingly well. I started 6pm last night and finished 7pm tonight. I had a coffee for breakfast and went to the gym. Worked out as much as i could and then caught a bus and walked home hauling my shopping of skinny milk and orange juice. While walking my chest started to feel tight. so when i got home i had 2 glasses of orange juice. And that was my intake for the time of fasting. im actually quite proud.
I ate some homemade sushi at 7pm and im going to try not to eat any solid food until that time tomorrow and maybe even longer than that. I dont want to go at it to hard tho and end up binging so we will see. I am actually hungrier now than i was throughout today. Probs going to go to bed soon and try to sleep thru it. So goodnight. Xo

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I Keep Dancing On My Own

Thats right my lovelies its time to DANCE!!! im in right mood to burn some cals simply by having fun and acting like a fool. Listning to Robyn "Dancing On My Own." Its what is getting me up and moving, and maybe singing badly too :P
Lets see what else is on my "Bust a Move" playlist today... Scooter "Fire," "Maria, I Like It Loud," and "The Logical Song." Lotsa Katy Perry. Fort Minor "Remember the Name" (for when i feel like dancing like a gangsta). Darude vs Robert Mills "Children of the Sandstorm" and Basshunter "Bass Creator."
So basically silly songs with good beats. Anyways i also adding in some squats, sit ups, push ups and skipping into the mix. Hello workout :)
As you can probably tell im in an overly good mood and probably sound like a lady in an 80's aerobics video. its the music that does it. so if anyone is feeling down i suggest a good dose of dance. Woop Woop!
Lotsa Love. Xo

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Diet Plan

So my lovely followers this is my diet for the next week...

FOOD

Unlimited foods:
Apples
Carrots
Oats
Coffee
Diet Cordial (5 cals a glass)

Limited Foods:
Milk - 1 cup per day max
Tuna - 1 can per day max

RULES

I will only consume the foods listed above unless in a social situation that calls for me to deviate from the plan. Whatever happens i will not go over 1000 cal in a day.
I will do a liquid fast for at least one day out of the next week.
I will take all my pills everyday
I will do at least 30 mins of exercise per day.
I will complete at least 2 items from my list of activities each day. See below. All activities must be done at least once by the end of the week.

ACTIVITIES

  • Clean bedroom
  • Do washing
  • Go to the gym
  • Do 50 sit ups
  • Do 30 push ups
  • Read a book
  • Take some photos
  • Find new band/artist that you like
  • Give someone a compliment
  • Put new low cal recipe on blog
  • Learn something new and post it on blog
  • Add photos to album
  • Send entry forms to universities
  • Make a friend a gift and give it to them

This diet will comence at 12am tomorrow. Wish me luck coz ill most likely need it. Stay beautiful. xo




Monday, September 13, 2010

Follow This Lovely Girl

http://wanthin.blogspot.com/
and may i just say i am in a fantabulous mood. Spring has sprung and i feel like basking in the sun. Goodbye cold rainy winter which i so detest. Hello warmth :) that is all.

Free LOLs

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
just found this and its funny coz its true. the cartoons just make it better. enjoy. xo

Gym Time Fun

Almost died at the gym today. I knew i was feeling sick before i went because i nearly fainted while i was helping dad lay floor boards. But i had to go because it was the first day with the new trainer and i hadnt given enough notice to postpone the session. So the new trainer wasnt as hot as the old one but i had the best workout ever. I found out that i love boxing and at the end of it i threw up (involunarily), luckily not in the gym but in a bush on the way home. Only water came out, but you know you have worked out well when that happens. only one more day until Gran leaves and then i can start my new diet :) im so pumped. And get this, my parents are going to Darwin with my brother in about a month so im going to head up to there house to stay while they are away and have another restricting spree/fast. Anyway i'll post my diet plan tomorrow. Much love. XoXo

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I Love...

All the people that comment on my posts. you make me feel so much better. thank you. xo
Also i love my brothers. Sean (11) just won his Tournament of Minds state final and now he gets to go to Darwin for the national competition. What a little genious. Its obvious he takes after me :P
and James (14) for embracing his sillyness and joining me to draw funny faces on all the eggs. yep we are that cool.
anyway tomorrow i have my first session with my new personal trainer. ive somehow hurt my shoulder so i hope it goes ok.
sending love to all of my followers. xoxo

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Depressed :(

Im so ridiculously bored. I need something that i have to do. Like a job. But im on this stupid treatment and working would just drain me too much at the moment. I could possibly work one or two days a week but who would hire me for just that? and i wouldnt be earning enough compared to what i get from centrelink for being sick. bleh.
This past week i have been feeling really crap. it might be coz i have my period. All i want to do is eat and sleep. I find myself having to think when my friends ask me out if i actually want to go. To be honest im only typing this because i am making myself do something. and thats sad because i usually love blogging and cant wait to tell people about my day. hopefully this will pass.
im under my cal limit so far today but its only 7pm and ive been fighting off the urge to binge all day.
hope everyone else is feeling better than me. xo

Friday, September 10, 2010

I Can Feel A Binge :(

its welling inside me. wanting me to eat until it hurts. but i must resist because purging is not an option anymore. waaahhh today is a bad day.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Overgrown Toddler?

Today Grandma had real estate agents over to value the house because she wants to sell soon. The first one that came over was a hottie! i dont care if he was 34 and had a kid. lol now i think about it he was a F.I.L.F. just thought you should know :P

Anyway i was busy cleaning all morning to make the house presentable (i thought it was fine in the first place). then in the arvo i mowed the lawn which really gets your heart rate up. oh yeh also today we were going through old photos because im going to make a scrapbook. i was a super cute baby. anyway while do this i had a realisation about my body. i am an overgrown toddler. you know how they are pudgy and cute. well like that but bigger. i look like me at 4 or 5 only bigger. Sure im still cute but i can never get rid of that pudginess :(

oh i might as well give u a photo to prove it. >>>>
that is me approx 2 months ago.
see no lies! i betcha cant guess my age.
anyway on to other things like the results for day 14.
food - 1
exercise - 2
water - 2
posting - 2
challenge - 2
ooooh i almost forgot! home alone for a week starting next wednesday. Grandma is going on holiday. So im thinking it may be time for a fast. i havnt dont one for ages... i mean years!
im excited. I think ill try to do the whole period she is away. although i am having a friends over for a few days so that might make it harder. i will at least be able to get 3 days (non consecutive most probably). If not i am definately restricting a hell of a lot more. might work out a special diet for that week. ooh so many options. my mind is racing.
anyway im off to bed coz i have a big day tomorrow. stay strong and love stronger. xoxo

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Low Cal Recipes

So coz i was bored i added another page to my blog. It contains recipes that i think are value for calories... meaning they fill you up and provide lots of nutrients for low calories. Ive only put up two recipes so far but there will be more coming tomorrow and futher down the track. Also these are recipes i make myself and weigh out the ingredients (yes im a nut) so the calories should be right. i find all my numbers on calorieking.com.au so if its wrong i can blame them :P
anyways check it out and tell me what you think. xoxo
p.s. thanx to everyone who comments my posts. your support means so much to me :)

Day 13

food - 0
exercise - 2
water - 2
posting - 2
challenge - 2

eh im really bored right now. wish i had a nice boy to cuddle.

The Last Time...

i ever purge WILL be today! im so sick of it. after having a mass b/p the other day (see older posts) i got it in my head that i could eat mc donalds today and just throw it up. NO NO NO! i have to stop. ok so it wasnt actually my plan to go to McD's i went to see my friend and he wanted lunch there. i just cant say no to friends. so i got a cheeseburger meal and purged it all. after i came out of the toilet my friend was like "why is your face all red?" and i was like "idk... im gonna get a bottle of water." does he know? i hope not.
Purging is BAD. It makes me feel horrible. It hurts my throat. It rots my teeth. It gives me stomach ulcers, and i dont need another one of them. So i must stop. From now on if i binge the only way i will purge is through exercise or reducing my intake of food the next day. If i am going to be an idiot and eat too much junk im going to have to deal with it. That is all.

Monday, September 6, 2010

11 and 12

ok first off the result for yesterday. i was going to do them last night but my freind came over and i couldnt do it in front of him. so...
food - 2
water - 2
exercise - 2
posting - 2
challenge - 2

aaaand for today:
food - 2
water - 2
exercise - 2
posting - 2
challenge - 2 - i dyed my hair. i now have a honey/golden blonde colour instead of white blonde. i like it better.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Doesnt It Just Make You Feel FAT When...

You fall through the stairs?
This actually happened to me today. Ok so the wood was rotting but i cant help wondering if i was lighter if it would have stayed up.
Anyway i was getting the dog so i could walk her up to the gym with me and next thing i know im in between 2 steps because the one inbetween had collapsed. My parents really need to either fix or get a new house. I thought i had broken my leg for a second then i realised that i am just gonna have a massive bruise tomorrow.
I went to gym even though my leg was and still is sore but i had to burn off stupid father's day lunch. speaking of fathers day... i love my daddy :) he came and picked me up from the gym coz it was raining and i had missed the bus.
In other matters... I want to say HELLOOO to my new followers and thankyou to Bella spreading the word of my blog and actually thinking it was good :)

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Day 10 Results

today was actually quite hard, but i did it. i had a 157cal breakfast of oats and apple which filled me up well. i dont know whats wrong with me, it might be the treatment, i might be getting sick, or 157 cal isnt enough to keep my stupid fat body up until 12:30. anyhoo i started to get dizzy and weak and literally had to go into my room to lay down so i wouldnt pass out in front of my grandma and her visitors.
when we had lunch even though i did think i needed food i couldnt eat it. i just picked at it. later i decided to make a banana smoothie and i sipped on that. half an hour later i felt like i was going to throw up (not self induced). its playing on my mind because i dont mind the hungry feeling, its the omg i can hardly stand up, i have no energy feeling i dont like. and please correct me if im wrong but that amount of cals i had and the fact i still have plenty of fat storage (not exagerating i am actually 74kg) to provide my body with energy means i shouldnt be feeling like that.

food - 2
water - 2
exercise - 2
posting - 2
challenge - 2 - this is the easiest day because u dont have to think of anything you just make it your cleaning day. needless to say the house is spick and span.

anyway im majorly tired so im off to bed. goodnight my beautiful followers. xoxo

Animal Sacrifice!?! WTF!!!

Yes boys and girls i am serious! this post is not for the faint hearted. let me explain...
So i love watching documentarys and last night i tuned in to SBS for the program about religious rituals. Well lucky me i get to watch the one that visits a voodoo church. Everything is all happy and fine at first, there are just people dancing and praying. but then they bring in a baby cow all tied up, and suddenly as the reporter looks around people pull out knives. Now some of you may think thats ok a lot of people eat beef and cows die for us all the time, but it doesnt end there... other people in the church then procede to bring out other animals. after the cow there were birds and then a goat. AND THEN... they brought out a puppy and a kitten. i didnt want to watch but i couldnt look away. Also you may think that they wouldnt show the gruesome details on tv... not true. the only thing they didnt show was when they slit the throats of the animals. yet they do show these disgusting people holding up the dead bodies so their blood can drain out.
It was seriously the FOULEST most DISGUSTING thing i have ever seen. Are those people insane. i mean hey i know its a religion, but dont they realise they are killing innocent animals? i just dont know what else to say. rant end.

Friday, September 3, 2010

*Bangs Head Against A Brick Wall*

FAIL i just binged and purged for the first time in over 2 months. my grandma commented that i should be eating more and what do i do? lose control and eat MMMOOOOOOORRREEEEE!!!! everything is fine until someone notices.
now im sitting here feeling like shit with and sore throat, a headache and i just took advil on a now empty stomach so hello ulcer. FUCK! so heres my score for today:
food - 0
water - 2
exercise - 1
posting - 2
challenge - 2 - i went and saw a movie i had been wanting to see for ages.
Inception, although good was a tad confusing and im still not sure if he was dreaming or awake in the end.
on other news... the guy i occaisionally have fun with asked a girl out. ok so i dont even like him as more than a friend (or a friend with benefits) but now i will be alone again. no more fun times in the bedroom for me. i need to find a guy i actually really like... its just really hard... see most of the ones i meet are nice... but nice isnt enough.... i need chemistry... attraction... lust... love.
hope everyone else is doing better than me. xoxoxo

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Day 8

Just checking in with my results:
food - 1
water - 2
exercise - 2
posting - 2
challenge - 2 - cooked my chicken with white wine... i was scared it would catch fire but it was ok.

something is going wrong with blogger... when i go on anyones blog the follower part is missing and i cant add any new blogs, also i cant see my followers.
anyways hope everyone is doing good. xoxo

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Summer Fashion 2010/11

here in the great land of australia spring is beginning. i went to the city with my friends the other day where i spyed that all the clothing stores had stocked everything for the new season. and i was impressed. the style is what i would call girly and kinda boho. i wanted to buy everything! unfortunately im low on the monies so like a good girl i decided against spending. probably for the best anyway since im between sizes and giving myself time to save is also giving myself time to drop some more pounds. and that equals that when i buy my new clothes i will look better in them! arent i smart :)




Could Use Some Zzzzz's

To start with im going to tell you that i am absolutely wrecked. its 9pm and i want to go to sleep. please take into consideration that i woke up at 11am and my usual bedtime for the last 4 months has been 12 - 2am.
Anyways today i awoke to a house full of oldies. my grandma had her sister, her boyfriend and her sister's husband over. They had planned a family lunch. Luckily it was only soup and not a roast or anything else.
After lunch i escaped and caught a bus up to the gym. turns out my personal trainer has left so i have to start with a new one next week. Its quite annoying since my old trainer knew all about my illness and treatment and knew what i was capable of and the right ways to push me and now ill have to go over everything with a new guy. altho on a good note i had a great workout by myself.
to continue my exercise i walked from the gym to my parents house (its actually not terribly far) and there i cooked them dinner, which completes my daily challenge of doing something for others. so onto the results:
food - 2
water - 2
exercise - 2
posting - 2
challenge - 2

im pretty sure i was going to write something else but now i cant remember what it was... i'll make a new post if it comes back. stay strong xoxo