Sunday, September 19, 2010

Confuzled

Im going through one of those confused "i dont know what i believe about anything" moments. This covers all areas of my life including the way i conduct my eating habits. the main questions of this are "am i always a bulimic despite of how i try not to be?"

Incase you dont know... i was diagnosed with bulimia at 14. from there i kept going through stages of relapse and recovery. I dont know what is wrong with me, maybe im just naturally one of those "bigger" people but when i recover i am always fat. In actual fact the only time im normal sized or even get close to being thin is when i am in a relapse stage or when i go completely off the rails with drugs, a one time experience. I try soo hard to eat healthy it just doesnt work. At the moment i am trying not to purge by vomiting while sustaining weightloss. So its hard when being a bulimic my natural instinct is to binge. Ive been getting better at controlling binges and restricting my calorie intake but then it all gets undone when i binge again because im not allowed to purge. In my mind the only option is to just not eat at all, because i know after a few days of fasting i have no desire to eat whatsoever. but then i cant function properly and my friends get angry at me for being antisocial and the family is all "WTF why isnt she eating?"

I know people are going to read this and be like "why dont you just go get help and recover completely?" Its because ive gone through it before and it didnt work and to be honest im terrified. There are so many things about the situation of recovery and everything that ties to it that im scared of. Also everytime i think im recovered it doesnt last. I fall back to my old ways.
And i dont think i want to recover either. i like the control even though i usually lose it at least once a week.

This post i pretty pointless just needed to vent. Most likely im just going to continue what i do. Practice makes perfect and maybe ill get better at restricting without binging over time. Maybe im just fucked up.

Love love. Xo

5 comments:

  1. i feel the same way...even when u know it's right, healthy eating just doesn't work! good work trying not to purge! xx

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  2. I understand it. It just doesn't make sense to most people. :/
    <3

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  3. I hate to sound like a drug enforcer, but have you ever considered going on prozac? My doctor put me on it for depression/compulsion/anxiety. But i noticed it cut back my appetite and compulsion to binge. My doctor knows i have diabulimia, and i found out that is another reason she put me on it, was for binging.

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  4. hun it's good to vent! :) I've never been full on Mia, I was anorexic though, then recovery then EDNOS, i know that my ED makes me want the all or nothing feeling.. it's fucking frustrating!! but i'm learning to maintain it by slow little steps!

    xoxox

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  5. 'hugs' I understand!
    Stay safe there!
    xx

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