Saturday, October 30, 2010

Eh..

I dont know what is wrong with me but i feel horrible. i was going to fast today but i just ate some pasta because i thought i was going to die. i have no energy at all, i cant concentrate on anything. ive been sat in front of the tv instead of studying or going to the gym. i thought if i ate i would feel better... wrong. Ive had some electrolyte formula coz i have been purging a lot lately and thought that could be it but that didnt work either.
I took 5 laxies last night. just wondering how long it takes for other people to get the effects? it takes me like 14 hours. is that normal? and i know this is way too much info but i thought there would be more of... an output shall we say.
to answer peoples questions... yes i was inspired by the blog http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ of course her work is way better than mine.
and yes i did make it home ok... although there was a period of about half an hour before i could lift myself up from the floor on which i had collapsed.
Hope everyone is going great. xo

Friday, October 29, 2010

Precious H2O

This is a true story about how a few bad descisions can lead to this....

So this happened all just a few hours ago. My first mistake went a little like this...


So i was grabbing a lift for my grandma up to the shops so i could purchase some nori seaweed stuff that you make sushi out of.


My grandma parked at the RSL coz she is cool and gambles her monies on the pokies and bingo. I walked to the shops from there. On my way i realised i was particularly thirsty. But that was ok coz i could buy a bottle of water if i needed it. so i continued to the shops, picked out my items and went to the checkout....
Realising my money was at home, it occured to me that catching the bus would not be an option. Now you may think the 4kms back home wouldnt be too bad. coz really its not that far. the problem was i was thirsty... but not just normal thirsty... you see my liver is broken and the medicine that i take to fix it makes me super thirsty... it also makes my skin dry, thins my hair, gives the feeling of sickies and tiredness. (for full acount of how to break a liver see diagram below)anyways on top of being sssoooooo thirsty i also had no energy on account of the amount of food i had eaten... that being zero. So instead of a nice walk home which in reality would have looked like this....I felt like a half dead girl struggling through a desset. as seen in the first pic.

Anyhoo i hope you girlies are having a somewhat better day than me :)







Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Series You Say?

Keeping with the little comic thing. here is something that happened today. Can you spot the problem?and yes pixiestix i might actually start a series. not for every post, but one or twice a week. because i know you kids know true art when you see it :P
love love.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Truth...

I just ate 4 peices of pizza! I hate my sister for ordering it but i hate myself more for eating it.
I had just busted my ass at the gym. i rode approx 5kms and did 5km on the treadmill and did weights too. deciding to do an extra 5 mins on the bike was my downfall. it made me miss my bus home to the healthy sushi i had prepared for my dinner. so i decided to kill time visiting my sister, who thought offering me pizza would be a nice thing to do. Me being completely ravenous and energy drained gobbled it up. aaahhh! if that wasnt enough, i of course got the undeniable feeling to purge. i am so sure my sister heard me. i swear if she says anything to my parents i will murder her.
The only positive i can get from this situation is even if i do put on weight is that ill be toned underneath all the fat.
Oh but in good news my pants are falling down... do you know why?... coz they are too big :)
Love for you all. xoxo

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Good Day

today the scales gave me a nice suprise. i lost 2kg :)
Which makes me think. 1. the scales are broken or 2. that purging works.
I went to the gym to find i have now lost another personal trainer. Its really pissing me off that they all leave... maybe there is something wrong with the gym. As soon as i use up all the sessions on my contract i am going to find a new gym to use. i really want my own home gym but that is way to expensive, and i dont have anywhere to put all the equipment.
Anyway i would write more but im extremely tired so i will leave it to tomorrow. xo

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Men In Suits Make Me Go Mmmmm

Turns out my ex is actually a good guy. He just wants to be friends. Which is fine with me.
I still find him incredibly hot though. He came fresh from work in his suit. In case you dont know, men in suits make me jizz. And i love the conversations i have with him. But a 12 year age difference just isnt going to work.
Anyway i have a date with someone new tomorrow... so we will see.
Ate well until i saw him and he insisted we get fish and chips for dinner. But for the whole day im pretty sure my cals were about 1000. So not too bad.
Going up to babysit the pets at my parents place tomorrow and thurday night. I plan to download as many songs as i can because i have nearly used up all my internet here for this month.
Hope all you beautifuls are having great days. Xo

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Phone Rings...

I just got a call from my ex. i havnt seen him in a year. he wants to meet up tomorrow. im scared. as far as i know he has a girlfriend at the moment. i hope he doesnt want sex. im not sure i even want to see him. i have only just got over him. he broke my heart. but as far as i know he is a good guy. if he tries to make a move tomorrow i guess i will know.
i had beef stir fry for dinner... purged... i cant keep anything down at the moment. i bought laxitives today. i had 5 after dinner but nothing has happened yet. i havnt used them before so im not sure what to expect but i thought something would have happened by now.
Got a new hair cut the other day. im regretting it. its to short and doeant sit properly. bleh.
Hope everyone is going good. Xo

Answers...

Amy- I have had my eating disorder for as long as i have known. I have been bulimic since i was 12 but had binge eating tendancies since 7. I think my family greatly contributed to my ED in many ways. Some of them being... parents eating habits, family conflict, being told i was fat from a young age. But in their defence i am a naturally sensitive and perfectionistic person. Also very self destructive. So i think in the end its myself who contributes to this the most.
Anything written on this blog is truth. If there is information i dont think belongs here i will just not write it. I will tell people i live east of melbourne, but not the exact suburb.

Mona- My fave colour is green. I love australia. In my opinion it is probably one of the best places to live at this time.

Bella- Welcome to you and welcome to your craziness. As far as i know no one in my "real" life knows about this blog. If they do they havnt said anything.

Kristina- Hell no! I love australia. I cant stand the cold weather. Summer in Aus is coming and im going to live it up!

Sarah- I am a night person. Everything seems different at night and its beautiful.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Hugs and Kisses


For all my girlies who comment and support me :) Love Love.

You are right, i screwed up but i can do better. Todays diet consist of... Tea, Coffee, Low cal jelly and Apples. I will lose those 5kg before my birthday!

Oh and here is a message for Perfect Lie: there is something wrong with your layout that is why people dont comment. ive tried to comment but it wont work. change the layout and the comments will flood back in.

In light of other bloggers doings... Ask me a question, anything you want, it can be clean it can be dirty, whatever. I will answer it honestly. Xo

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Disgusting Fat Pig

Worst few days for a long time. Prepare to be disgusted and horrified... because i am about to list what i ate in the past 2 days...
6 chocolate royals
8 choc chip cookies
5 dim sims
2 kiwi fruit
1/2 a jelly
1 quaterpounder
2 sushi rolls
6 chipolata sausages
4 peices of bread
1/2 a bag of starburst lollies
4 corn thins
2 litres of up and go

and every single thing on that list i threw up. Last night i also tried to do a salt water flush but screwed it up because i couldnt keep down all the salt water. Its times like these i think i need help. But i know i would never get it. The only way to stop this is to do it all by myself. i dont know if thats a possibility at the moment. happiness seems so far away.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Naughty Naughty

Last night i may or may not have... eaten greasy fish and chips, drank alcohol and smoked while still on treatment to save my liver, had sex twice (or so remembered), wore a tiny dress and danced like i was a stripper. Oooppsie!
I know i am going to pay for it in a few days when im 5kg heavier but it was fun! i havnt had actual fun in soo long. Seriously girls you should have seen us! we actually went up to a street busker and played his tambournine while making passers by dance. This is a pic i took of the event >>>>>>>
My friends are the losers in the construction tape. Mr Busker earnt more money in 5 mins with us there than he would have in 2 hours.
Anyway im awful tired now so im going to have a nap. Love love. xo

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Well Hi There!

Welcome new followers :)
I now have 35 of you lovely people.
Im sick again but thats no big news lol. i tried to go to the gym yesterday but after i spent 15 mins on the treadmill i thought i was dying so i went home. I walked for 20 mins in the rain to get there. Today i am having a day at home, trying to rest up so i can work out again soon. So far i have eaten a low cal yoghurt (70), a homemade sushi roll (162) and a coffee (34). So all up 266 cals and it is 4:30pm. Just have to make sure i dont binge tonight.
I have a funny way of eating my yoghurt i realised today. I put my spoon in so it is just coated and then lick it. ive worked out for each lick im having approx 1 cal. It takes me about 30mins to eat a tub of yoghurt that way.
It is a disgustingly rainy day in the East of Melbourne today. I wish the good weather could have gone on forever. I hope some of you other girlies are having fun in the sun. Xoxo

Monday, October 11, 2010

1 Month Countdown

Today is officialy 1 month until my 20th birthday. I dont want to be fat in another birthday picture. The goal is to lose 5kg (at least) this month, which i think is quite possible to do if i actually put in the effort. I made a new tab called "Safe Foods" last night. it is basically what it says it is. Anyway from now until then i must never ever ever ever go over 1200 cal, fast at least 1 day a week and go to the gym at least 3 days a week. Im going to have to cut off some time with friends because i always eat more and more bad food when im with them. But sacrifices must be made and im sure they will be happier to hang out with me when i look beautiful and skinny.
The other day i tried to make a post of before and after/now pics but for some reason the before pic wouldnt load. When was taking the "now" photos the light from the window was making the camera focus wierd and theres a pic that looks like i have unusually skinny legs. obviously you can tell which pic has my real legs.


Friday, October 8, 2010

Let Me Be Free!

After being a good girl and locking myself away from alcohol, drugs and general fun times for 5 months, im starting to tire of it. I want to run away for a week and just party. I want a life where i actually do things, instead of limiting myself all the time. I can see my self finishing treatment and completely destroying my newly healthy liver a week after. Why must i have this self destructive streak? I need to let loose like nothing in the world matters and forget everything. Escape.

Foodstuffs for today = Fail. FUCK! I hate my stupid fat greedy self.

Here is some pics of Summer Glau who starred in the only sci-fi series/film i will ever truly love - Firefly/Serenity.



Monday, October 4, 2010

Low Cal Jelly...

how can something taste so good without doing much damage? I feel that i should make a shrine to your gelatinous goodness.
So it is 5:30pm and i have consumed approx 400 cal. I am going to have an egg and the rest of my jelly for dinner, and a coffee if i need it, which takes me to 550 cal at max. Im so drained of energy atm its not funny. But then i am incredibly ill and feverish and my insides are melting. Oh and sleep is being the biggest bitch ever. I was up at 4am this moring plucking my leg hairs with a tweezer. Possibly the coolest hobby ever right?
But in very good news, my friend came over the other day and ate pretty much everything for me :) i was in complete mothering, feed everything mode. i stuffed 2 servings of lasagne, 3 servings of satay chicken and rice, an egg, half a packet of cheese, rice crackers and tim tams into him before he left. Stupid boy can eat anything and still weigh less than me.
Now my grandma will come home to an empty fridge and think i ate everything... fooled her :)
Oh and in response to comments on my last post... yeh the girl swimmers are massive, but the guy swimmers bodies are to die for! I used to be a swimmer and have the goddamn body for it too, minus the big feet (my feet are tiny).
To the girls that used to do gymnastics - i used to be so jealous of you. i tried gymastics once and realised that it was for skinny girls with flexibility and good balance. i never went back. and yeh boobs arent really a prized possession in the gymnast scene.
Stay strong my lovelies. xoxo

Fat Fat Fatty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnUf5GHNLOc
Even though its comedy i still watch it to make myself feel bad about eating. im in a post purge bad mood. but on the plus side the commonwealth games are on... constant thinspo/sportspo for 2 weeks. i cant wait to watch gymnastics. those girls are so little and so flexible.
So here is some gymnastic themed thinspo




Saturday, October 2, 2010

My Babies

So i was going to put up before and now pics but my camera battery just went flat so the now pics are non existent. Instead i will show u guys my babies... This is Lamby, my goat, when she was a baby. I had to feed her a bottle 4 times a day and she loved to jump onto the window sill. We had to send her to a farm coz the garden wasnt big enough.This is smudge. We got him when i was in the worst stage of my ED. He always looks good and walks around like his shit dont stink, so i call him metro or gay cat.
Smudge loves food and dribbles when he purrs.
I have another kitty called Charm but she doesnt like having her photo taken. We got Charm from a shelter because her owner had commited suicide. I dont know if that has anything to do with it but she is a bit screwed up in the head. She is scared of almost everything (especially shoes), and to hold her you have to let her come to you.



Friday, October 1, 2010

Wouldn't Death Be Easier?

Im melting! MELTING!!!!! im sick. my glands are swolen and i have a fever. i went to the doctor and reeled off a list of complaints to him and told him to fix me. yay more pills!
So now everyday i have to take...
1 x the pill (to prevent the babies)
3x antidepressants (to make brain function and prevent the sads)
6x ribavirin (to help the injection work and save my liver)
1x interferon injection per week (as stated above)
3x antibiotic (so my head doesnt explode with infection)
1x somac (to make the tummy less rumbly... and acidicly hurty)
2x mylanta (for when the tummy is extremely sore)
and if that isnt enough i can also take some preventative measures such as...
vitamin C (to prevent the infections... you goddamn dont work!!! i took you all last week)
fish oil tablet (helps the joints and brain work better)
calcium tablet (for zee lovely bones)

eh thats enough for now... i probs need a multivitamin but CBF!
needless to say my body is screwed and im not a happy chappy.
oh yeh today i binged so on top of everything else im fat :(