Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Recovery... Maybe... Well Probably Not But I'll Talk About It Anyway

Actually considering going a little healthier at the moment. The question is if i am actually able to if i try.
Ive been purging way too much and my mind is really fucking with me. Yesterday i found out 2 of my friends had gone to the beach and not invited me. i was up half the night thinking it was because im fat and they wouldnt want to be seen with me at the beach. But then if they had asked i probably would have said no anyway, because social situations are just overwhelming for me at the moment. Maybe that could be another reason they didnt ask me.
If i keep going like this im going to have no friends at all. But i dont know how to stop. Its just instinct for me now. Im not getting professional help tho because i have tried that before and it was just hell. Half the people didnt even know what they were talking about. I had one doctor tell me to grow up and get a life.
I dont even like the taste of food at the moment. Everything tastes bad. When i get hungry i crave junk and then i binge and purge it. I dont enjoy it at all. eh... sorry about the annoying rant. ill talk about something else now.
Sooo.... tomorrow im going to the hospital so they can steal my blood, and then going to ikea with a friend so they can buy hously items. I love ikea so much though. I could seriously spend a whole day in there just looking around. Ive also been invited to a kickboxing class with my friend. Ive never been to a class before and to be honest i am terrified. People in general unnerve me and people watching me exercise... well i could possible die. It was hard enough to get myself to go to the gym (really small gym, that is 24 hour so i can go at night for less people) and to be honest i havnt been there for 3 weeks coz im scared of my new trainer. Why am i scared of everything?!!!
What are you scared of girls? the dark? the boogie man? getting fat... Hell yeah im scared of that! Xo

4 comments:

  1. I´m scared that my mom dies, I´m scared I´ll never be thin, I´m scared I´ll never be happy...I´m scared of a lot of things.
    I think you should try recovery, don´t set yourself to fail without trying(I do the same thing, thinking i´ll fail at anything I try), at least give it a chance =)
    I´m ashamed of going to the gym too...but kickboxing sounds like fun!
    Try to enjoy it
    Take care!

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  2. im scared of the dark for one. and im scared of being fat. of course. im scared of having my future husband die.

    also, i have social anxiety, and my mom has agoraphobia, both are hereditary. where you're scared of people and social situations. i get panic attacks a lot.

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  3. im afraid of being a failure. of making my family ashamed of me, of who i will be when im better, of rehab, of hurting my friends, mirrors, food, and being fat. also, the dark lol!

    i also think that you should try recovery, i went to my doctors yesterday, he gave me anti depressents and refered me to a counsiler. hopefully ill start getting better soon...
    good luck!!

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  4. im afirad of not being good enough or thin enough or smart enough never making nething of myself

    mayb u shoudl try to recover at least from th purging u know

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