Friday, December 31, 2010

Gloomy And Glum

I havnt felt this bad in a long time... i dont know what is exactly wrong with me but i need to vent and perhaps make a little sense of myself. so be warned this will be boring and petty, please dont feel obligated to read.
Basically at them moment im losing my friends... ive been going out less and less lately and they are starting to get pissed off. my bestie especially. its my fault and i can understand him being frustrated but i cant explain to him what is going on.
he is quite judgemental about this kind of thing... like if he knew i was bulimic he would say "just stop" or "just go and get help." he has also told me that he doesnt believe in antidepressants. he thinks that if i stopped taking them i would behave the same way.
over the last few weeks ive been sinking further into my ED and depression. i now fit the requirements for bulimia instead of EDNOS as my purging is everyday now and has been for a few months. im finding it hard to spend time with people in general, but with him and his group of friends especially coz they are so social and carefree. to be honest there is only one person i want to spend time with, because he understands, not totally but he has been depressed before so can relate a bit.
I dont know what to do as me and my bestie have been friends for over 7 years now and i love him soo much. we had plans to move out together next year as well. im ruining everything but at the same time i cant stop this or tell him why im being such a loser. i guess the only thing to do is grit my teeth and go out and pretend im having fun. i have actually done that a few times but its hard to keep up, i end up leaving the club after only an hour of being there.
Eh life sucks right now. im not doing new years eve and there is a music festival tomorrow ive paid for but dont even want to go to. $130 down the drain if i dont go.
Ima go try think of happy things i might come back later and post new years resolutions if i feel more inspired. ciao lovelies.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Home Alone

Dear blog,
I am typing and binging at the same time! Pure skill right? Everyone is out and i am taking advantage of it by having a mass binge and purge session and blogging. Possibly the coolest person ever right now. Yes i am in a sarcastic mood.
Anyhoo my sister threw a massive haouse party last night. I spent 2 hours trying to be the responsible/mature adult and then said fuck it and got wasted. I passed out at like 2 and awoke to nutrigrain and frozen vegetables scattered around the house.
---brb purge time---
Ahhh much better.
So i still have no idea what my weight is. I havnt been to the gym for ages coz ive been so busy with Christmas and whatnot. We used to have scales at this house and now they are gone too. I hope my Grandma hasnt found out about my purging and told my parents to hide their scales too. I dont know why this is stressing me out so much coz i will most likely be the same weight. but i just want to know. what if when i check im up like 5kg or something horrible? Bleh!
For all the purgers out there i have a question... Does your chest hurt when you do it? Sometimes i have to stop and wait for a minute then start again coz of it. I dont want to die like that. You know those pictures that people post on PT every so often of the dead girl whose stomach ruptured? That scares me so much. Not really the dying part but the people finding me like that. thats the main reason i dont tell anyone about this shit. Coz i dont want to worry them. I dont want anybody to feel that they have to help me because i know i am beyond help.
Ok have to stop being so emo.... I bought some really awesome jewellery the other day. i have a ring with a scorpion on it and lizard earings. I know it sounds wierd but they are really cute.
G2G my sister just got back. Xo

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Oh Noes... Bad News

Scales... very old and have some kind of floral pattern on them. Much loved item coz despite being so old gave me the same weight as the gym scales which i trust.
So i felt like i was losing weight. I dont know if you girls (and boys i actually have 2 beautiful boys following me now *waves* hi there fellas) ever get the feeling that you are somehow lighter than usual but on rare occasions it happens to me. usually i feel heavy. Ive just got in and i go to weigh myself but NOOOO! the scales are gone! i bet grandma has taken them to her new bf's house. now i have to weigh at my parents place. That usually makes me seem lighter and then i get happy until i weigh somewhere else and then i cry coz im 2kg heavier than they say! pooey.
Well today i am the bearer of bad news. Its seems my internet stick does not work in the shithole where my parents house is situated. This will be my place of residence for the next month and a bit until my friends lease ends and we find a new place to live. So i probably wont be updating you lovelies that frequently. I will have to take my sisters laptop and take a bus out of town to give all you guys the hot goss (aka random crap) about my life.
On the plus side though... it is a 5 min walk to the gym! yaysies. And i get to see my kitties. I love my kitties dearly. They are my babies.
Anyhoo hope you kids are all doing great and have a brilliant Christmas with lots of good presents and not too much food :P

Sunday, December 19, 2010

A Quicky

So today im cleaning my room and sorting things out to be taken to my parents place. Im moving back in with them in a week. Hopefully it will only be for 2 months coz that is when my bestie's lease ends and we will find a new place to rent. I hate my parent place so the sooner im out of there the better.
Anyhoo while cleaning my sock drawer i came across a lil bag. in that lil bag was a lil amount of speed. It has been there for like 10 months left over from a music festival. I assumed drugs dont go off and i ate it. Then i was super cleaning lady! do drugs count as food? if so i think they would defs be negative cals :P
This is a quick post coz i have to get back to cleaning and then meet a friend but yeh i just wanted to share my happiness with you kids. xo

Friday, December 17, 2010

No Beach For Fatties

Yesterday i cried in a shopping centre. How embarrasing. However fat you are the mirrors in the change rooms make you look fatter. As you can see from this graphically correct drawing my reflection doesnt even fit properly in the mirror. In light of this experience i have banned myself from the beach this summer, unless i swim fully clothed.I seriously feel so fat lately. Its like all my muscle has wasted away and been replaced by lard. That is the only thing that could have happened coz the scales say i weigh the same. Eh i feel wobbly and gross. Im going to the gym later tonight and then work tomorrow. so i will post again when something of significance happens. Ciao Bella!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Perfect Purging Place

So as the title suggests my non purging streak was broken. Yesterday i went to the movies with my friend to see harry potter. Yes i know i am weeks behind the rest of you. And your gonna hate me but i laughed when dobby died. Idk why but he just looked funny dying. i hope someone agrees with me on this coz i am going to seem like the biggest meanie otherwise.
Anyhoo here is a comic depicting what i do when i go to the movies....

Oh yeh and on a similar subject the toilet in my house is broken. i have a slight suspicion it might be my fault. So its the shower and plastic bags from now on. I know im disgusting but i just cant stop. Hope all you guys are doing good. Xo

Monday, December 13, 2010

Cherries and Whale Hunting

So i know i didnt post yesterday. Very sorry but i had to go up and stay at my parents place. Im doing fruit picking (coz its the only job i can get atm) and its closer to their house. I actually kind of regretted going so hard at the gym the day before coz i was sore all over. Then the next day i was reaching up picking cherries and climing up and down ladders all day. I go sunburnt and pretty sure sunstroke too coz my eyes went all wierd. I havnt been doing too well on the new plan the past 2 days because i basically just havnt had the time to exercise plus my parents always pack me full of food :( Its ok i am putting $30 all up away for my sinful crimes. Ive decided only to spend the monies when i get to 70kg. Then i can get some clothes :)
On a good note it has been a week without purging now. I was so tempted the other night. the parents got pizza and i hadnt eaten all day and gave in. I binged sooo badly that i should be harpooned by the japanese and made into whale sushi. But i didnt purge. Half my mind says its a good thing the other half is strongly opposed to that theory.
If i have calculated the cals correctly i shouldnt gain but ive ruined the hard work i did the day before. Well poo!
I need to do another cartoon soon. Not today coz im half dead but there will be one up maybe tomorrow or the next day. Also just letting people know that if they are doing my plan and want to change it around a bit to suit them thats fine. I made it to my needs but everyone is different. So if your are finding it too easy or hard or maybe your too poor atm you can just mix it up :)
Anyways im off to pass out. Toodle Pip!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Just Responding To my Lovelies

*Broken* - Well i count that as being under 200 so that would be 12 points. You could make it 13 if you want tho. I can change the plan if thats what you want to do so we will all be doing the same thing. Let me know yeh?
B-May - Im going with my bestie (gay) another gay and another girl. Are you going next year? We could even catch up if you felt like it?
Mel - Wow 3lbs in one day is awesome! i wish something like that would happen to me...everyday :P
Mich - Thats a good way to look at it. i reckon you feel less hungry in the morning too. so if you avoid a binge by sleeping and dont feel hungry in the morning then you think your superwoman!

What Have you Done Today To Make You Feel Proud?

Most of you would probably think that i have been watching The Biggest Loser by judging my heading. Seeing as its the theme song for the US version, and this blog talks a lot about weightloss. But actually i just finished watching the last season of Queer as Folk. And that was the final song as they are dancing. I am so sad! I love that show and now ive watched it all. Im not gay but i can relate to that show so much. i dont know if anyone else on here has seen it, but if you have which character can you most relate to? I just know that im going to be Debbie when im older. It makes me so excited for Gay Mardis Gras in Sydney next year.
So back to reality... today i do feel proud. I worked out and restricted really well. Ive been craving all sorts of horrible junk foods but havnt eaten any. I scored 27 today so thats another $3 into savings. Ive taken into account the half cup of warm milk and salada im about to eat before bed in those calculations. I find its best for me to eat an hour after i wake up to kick start my metabolism and before i go to bed so i can sleep. during the day i can get by with just a few bites of food when i feel a bit weak. Do you eat at certain times of the day? why those times?
Well im off. Quite tired now. Xo

Friday, December 10, 2010

Day 1 Points

I dont know why but im actually way pumped about my new diet :)
today i scored : 28 which meants i have to put away $3
Im so poor at the moment so that is going to make me work so much harder to keep the money i need. i went over my internet allowance for last month and they have just taken $100 from my account :( thats $60 extra than usual. I still have about $100 of christmas shopping to do too. Oh how i wish i had a job. I looked up receptionist jobs yesterday but they all want experience. I wish i knew someone who owned a company or had some high position that could get me in. Everyone is telling me i should wait until after xmas to look as hiring season was a few months back. Its just a bit poo.
Ive been a bit slow on commenting blogs lately. I have so many followers now. If i havnt commented it doesnt mean i havnt read your post. im just too lazy to think of a comment. See i like to write meaningful comments not just "well done" or "stay strong" even though if i do say those things i mean it. But i think advice to a problem or responding to what the person have written about is just nicer. But then sometimes I wont know how to respond or think my comment sounds stupid, so i just dont comment at all. And also if heapsa people have already commented on a post i tend not to comment either coz i feel like in late to the party and everyone has already said everything. Does anyone else feel like this?

My New Diet


0 cals = 15 points
200 cals = 12 points
400 cals = 10 points
600 cals = 8 points
800 cals = 6 points
1000 cals = 4 points
1200 cals = 2 points
Over 1500 = -4 points
Over 2000 = -8 points

5+ hours = 15 points
4 hours = 10 points
3 hours = 8 points
2 hours = 6 points
1 hour = 4 points
1/2 an hour = 2 points

8-10 hours = 10 points
6 hours = 6 points
4 hours = 4 points
2 hours = 2 points
Over 10 hours = -2 points
Over 12 hours = -4 points
Over 14 hours = -6 points

Stretching = 2 points
Clean Bedroom = 2 points
See a friend = 2 points
Take vitamins = 1 point
Update blog = 1 point
Purge free day = 2 points

So after the day is over add up your score. Your score will determine how much money you have to put away in a money box/bank each day.
40+ is $0
30 - 39 is $2
25 - 29 is $3
20 - 25 is $5
10 - 19 is $10
0 - 9 is $15
any negatives is $20

You are allowed to spend your savings at the end of 2 weeks or if you complete 3 days in a row with a score of 40+

So my friend just came round and i think he might know about my purging. This is what he said...
"I wasnt going to go to this party tonght coz i felt sick. Must have eaten bad food from work. But i wanted to go so i stuck my fingers down my throat like an immature 15 year old. It was disgusting."
I dont know if he was just saying it or if he was hinting at something.
He has commented that i take a long time in the bathroom once before after i had purged.
What would you do in this situation? Im just not going to say anything. go denial!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Screw You MK!

Ok so i just stumbled across the MK (Mary Kate) diet yesterday in a link off PT. Now after more reseach it seems that there are a bazillion MK diets that are different. So screw that i will just make up my own using the thing that appealed to me which was the point system. I dont even like Mary Kate that much anyways. shock horror the ED girl doesnt like MK. I just though the diet that i found sounded good. So anyways im making the diets page now. Xo
I actually just had a super cool idea to incorporate in my diet. this diet will be a money saving one :)

Im So Fat Right Now...

Therefore i am stop acting like a fatty and start actually making an effort to be skinny. Ive decided to try specific diets and see how they work/if i can actually do them. When i finish each one i will give you guys a summary. Im stopping purging and more importantly stopping binging. Im going to go the gym more often too.
So tomorrow im going to make a new page called "diets" which will list what is involved in each one and in what order i will do them. Im thinking a modified version of the MK diet first and the ABC diet last, coz for me that is the ultimate challenge and will signify completion. If anyone wants to join me on my venture feel free. Just let me know.
Much love. Xo

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Where do you go, My lovelies...

Where do you go?
Seriously half the peoples i follow arent blogging anymore. It makes me really sad. It even makes me not want to post as much. Its like i kinda knew those people and now they are just gone :(
So how long have you been blogging? Have you ever had a period of time where you didnt blog and then came back to it? I have been doing this blog for 5 months now and i dont think i have gone a week without posting in that time.
In the last week i have only purged once, which is amazing seeing as before that i was purging at least twice a day. Suprisingly i havnt put on weight either. I really think the scales are broken coz i have eaten so much and pretty much not purged any of it. There should be at least an extra kilo on me.
I have to wrap this up coz my friend will be here in a minute, but i might do another post later. xo

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Stereosonic 2010

I swear my tastebuds are going insane lately. i am seriously eating a bowl of lettuce right now. let me remind you all that i am a bulimic not an anorectic. so this right now is wierd for me.
Actually now i am thinking about the differences between anorexics and bulimics i reckon i have a really good argument against people who say eating didorders are a choice. You see i would say if i chose this i would be anorexic instead of bulimic. I know both disorders are bad and i wouldnt want either but i swear it would be better to not eat and be skinny than to puke everything up and still be fat and still feel guilty coz you eat like a fatty. but then i also feel that if was underweight i still wouldnt feel anything like an anorectic coz i would still be eating like i had compulsive over eating. eh idk what im blabbing on about. do any of you get what im saying? want to oppose it?
So i went to Stereosonic music festival on Saturday. Despite looking like an absolute freak i had a great time.... although little blue pills make things seem better. My friends seriously attacked me with fake tan and teased my hair. I was basically an oompa loompa.
Be lucky you are only seeing a small portion of me in that photo. Coz i swear the whole shebang could be deadly.
Anyways the best parts of the day for me were going on the really high spinny upside down ride. idk what the actual name is. so much fun! because i hadnt drank for 8 months prior to this day i was the biggest lightweight ever. i had 2 drinks and was smashed! So i get off this ride drunk and dizzy and decided that itd be fun to hit on the ugly carnie and run away. unfortunately not to long later we went on the ride again and he kept smiling at me like a fool. lol. I also had fun at the trance stage. I didnt know the dj that was playing but he was sooo good. 2night i have to reseach Guiseppe IDKhislastname. Last playing was Tiesto and the crowd went mad! We got into about 15 rows of people back from the stage, but i couldnt see anything coz im a shorty. The sound on the main stage was really not that good so my friend and i decided to go up the back of the stands and take photos of all the people and the pretty sunset.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

This Is The Highlight Of My Day....

So im on a dating site. I sometimes visit them when im bored. This guy i met up with about 3 years ago. and he keeps popping up and adding me again forgetting about it. Playing with his mind is one of my favourite past times :)

mat174 says:
hey how are you?

Acka18 says:
aaaahahahaha its you!
Acka18 says:
ima good
Acka18 says:
and you?

mat174 says:
its me?

Acka18 says:
hahahahahahahahaha lol

mat174 says:
i dont recognise u
Acka18 says:
you have a really bad memory

mat174 says:
do i?
mat174 says:
wen did we meet?

Acka18 says:
few years ago

mat174 says:
wat did we do

Acka18 says:
this is hilarious

mat174 says:

Acka18 says:
we sexed fool

mat174 says:
did we? was i any good?

Acka18 says:
nah u had a small willie

mat174 says:
lol not anymore

Acka18 says:
so your a big boy now?

mat174 says:
mat174 says:
where did we fuck?

Acka18 says:
at your house

mat174 says:
oh i know now
mat174 says:
was i a good root?

Acka18 says:
i already answered that
Acka18 says:
u crack me up
Acka18 says:
so what are u still doing on here?

mat174 says:
mat174 says:

Acka18 says:
how fun
Acka18 says:
getting any action?

mat174 says:

Acka18 says:
why not?

mat174 says:
i get enough

Acka18 says:
well thats good

mat174 says:

Acka18 says:
always fun to get your whistle wet
Acka18 says:
nah there is cobwebs growing down there

mat174 says:
haha nice

Acka18 says:
yeh sometimes they ticle a bit and make me feel good

mat174 says:
lol ice
mat174 says:

Acka18 says:
ice ice baby
Acka18 says:
got any ice *twiches*

mat174 says:
mat174 says:
fancy some cock?

Acka18 says:
nah ive already eaten

mat174 says:

The Gingerbread House Of Doom!

In light of Mich's love of Christmas. I have decided to give you all a little taste of why i hate christmas. Via cartoon. What is depicted is not the only reason Christmas and i dont get along. It just pops up with: religious views, fighting familys and lack of money...
Oh and in case you are wondering why my font is suddenly different and underlined, i have no idea. It is pissing me off enourmously! What ever i press it wont change. Grr.