I havnt felt this bad in a long time... i dont know what is exactly wrong with me but i need to vent and perhaps make a little sense of myself. so be warned this will be boring and petty, please dont feel obligated to read.
Basically at them moment im losing my friends... ive been going out less and less lately and they are starting to get pissed off. my bestie especially. its my fault and i can understand him being frustrated but i cant explain to him what is going on.
he is quite judgemental about this kind of thing... like if he knew i was bulimic he would say "just stop" or "just go and get help." he has also told me that he doesnt believe in antidepressants. he thinks that if i stopped taking them i would behave the same way.
over the last few weeks ive been sinking further into my ED and depression. i now fit the requirements for bulimia instead of EDNOS as my purging is everyday now and has been for a few months. im finding it hard to spend time with people in general, but with him and his group of friends especially coz they are so social and carefree. to be honest there is only one person i want to spend time with, because he understands, not totally but he has been depressed before so can relate a bit.
I dont know what to do as me and my bestie have been friends for over 7 years now and i love him soo much. we had plans to move out together next year as well. im ruining everything but at the same time i cant stop this or tell him why im being such a loser. i guess the only thing to do is grit my teeth and go out and pretend im having fun. i have actually done that a few times but its hard to keep up, i end up leaving the club after only an hour of being there.
Eh life sucks right now. im not doing new years eve and there is a music festival tomorrow ive paid for but dont even want to go to. $130 down the drain if i dont go.
Ima go try think of happy things i might come back later and post new years resolutions if i feel more inspired. ciao lovelies.