Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Im aware how this post could make me sound like a drugged up hippy but really im a good girl at heart. its just that once every few months i get the urge to have a crazy weekend. i get it out of my system and then continue on like a semi normal person. So the plan for now is to have a week away from my friends after this to catch up with homework. im going to refrain from drinking smoking and drugsies for 3 weeks but then there is a trance event on so i will let my self go for that and then nothing til my birthday.
in response to my last post... my birthday is 11/11/11 :) im mainly excited because its a really cool date. so yeh i have 12 weeks to lose 10kg so it is very doable. just have to get myself in the right frame of mind and go for it.
Anyway i have to head off and see a movie with the boy and the bestie now so ill catch u kids later. xoxox
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Lately ive been tired all the time. I just want to always sleep. Its effecting my social life and uni work. Im debating getting more sleeping pills from the doctor but i would rather get a good sleep without drugs. Although i did get a great sleep last week with the aid of some weed. But i cant be smoking that all the time as i get anxiety attacks as it is.
Talking of anxiety attacks... last weekend was hell. Think breaking down crying in the middle of a shopping centre kind of hell.
It was my sister's birthday this weekend so i let myself binge away which was stupid of me. I have no control at the moment. Its worse too because im trying not to purge, so basically im a huge ball of lard.
Tomorrow im starting a weightloss regime. less calories + more exercise = looking at least semi decent for my 21st. im hoping to drop a kilo per week which is quite doable i just hve to stick to it. So i should lose about 10kg (22lbs) by my birthday.
I have to go catch up on uni work now but i will post again soon.
Much love. Xoxo
Monday, August 8, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
we went fishing which made me feel like a child again, with all the digging for worms and feeding bread to our new friend the duck, who by the way is soo adorable and wags her tail when she is happy just like a dog. i was going to post pics of me and the boy feeding ducky but it seems i have lost my camera. hopefully i will post them in the coming days. we got a few bites but didnt catch anything.
fishing made me remember that i love nature and now i am craving a camping trip away from society. i imaging myself just leaving for a couple of days, taking the bare essentials and letting myself relax and explore an area of bushland. of course i would need a car to reach my destination and the time and know how, all of which i do not have. the boy said he would take me camping when he gets his car fixed. that should be in about 2 weeks so i have something to look forward to.
my boyfriend is hard to explain. he is very different to me in many ways. he is quite reserved when expressing emotions, which is the complete opposite of me. this is hard for me to understand sometimes.
i like to express my feeling in a relationship by telling the person how i feel about them. he on the other hand shows love by either spending time with me or doing various things for me. so in that way i know he likes me but without talking its hard to know all the other various details to his thoughts and feelings. i just know there is an amazing mind and soul inside him and i want to explore it.
typing that out ive just realized how much of a nutcase i sound like. but thats just me, too deep and too intense.
anyway... i want to tell him that i love him... but im scared of the response or probable lack of response.
is there any point saying it when i know we already both feel it? will it ruin everything we already have?
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
binged and purged twice yesterday.
i am close to falling. there are but a few steps to the edge.
i want to express all that i am thinking. all that i am feeling. but there is no meaning. it all boils down to nothing. I am what i am...
i dont want to be what i am
i need a purpose. i need life...
or something else completely
Monday, July 25, 2011
It was my bestie's 21st on saturday and on the Thursday before i realised that whatever i did i was not going to look good so i might as well get the binging out of my system. It will take too long to write down all of what i ate but be assured it would have been over 4000cal each day ending Sunday.
I was a bit naughty on the saturday night. We got a hotel in the city and started drinking at 7pm (this doesnt include the champagne at lunch). An hour before we went out we had a line of coke each and a shot of absinth. We went out and danced and everything was good untill i started feeling depressed as hell. but i had some more coke and drinks and everything was ok. we headed back at 3am which is quite early for us but the birthday boy was tired coz he was jet lagged from coming back from Paris the day before.
So back at the hotel we chopped up a mix while some of the girls went to get food. then we got stoned and ate and ate. By then i was pretty much screwed and everyone was laughing at me coz i was babbling on about nothing so i went to bed.
11am checkout was not fun! We drove back to my bestie's house and i slept til my boyfriend picked me up at 5pm. then he drove me home and cuddled me and then i went to sleep for like 14 hours.... mmm sleep :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
So im reading everyones blogs like the nice lovely person i am. and then i go to comment. and of course i want to write long comments to show my love and support. and i get a little agravated coz my space key only works when i push it really hard so i have to go back and fix up bits. but thats ok coz my comment will be awesome when i finish and will make someone happy.
Then i go to post and it asks me to sign in... ok blogger i thought i was already signed in as i went to the dashboard to read and comment on these blogs of which i am following but its ok ill sign in again. so i sign in again and NO! for fucks sake!!!
Being persistent i log out then log back in again and go back to write the comment out again and THE SAME THING HAPPENS!!! aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!
So everyone who has recently commented on my blog and even some who havnt i have been reading your blogs and ATTEMPTING to comment. its just blogger being a complete twat. if anyone has experienced this problem and knows how to fix it please tell me. kthanxbai
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Anyways so far today i havnt binged or purged and i didnt b/p yesterday either :) im a lil bit proud. Eating some good healthy foods and generally just doing awesome. im seeing the bf tonight so hopefully i can get something at least semi healthy for dinner. oh yeh and i forgot to say my boyfriend got a new puppy too which is Odin's brother. His name is Benson and looks pretty much the same as Odin except one paw has more white.
I have to go meet the boy at work now so il talk to youkids later. Mucho love. Xo
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
So yeh ive been binging and purging myself into oblivion. slowly and steadily gaining all the weight i had lost back. i dont know if you guys know the feeling of getting new boy who likes you for you then letting everything slide coz u dont want them to think your a total freak. getting comfortable and then realising your still fat. so yeh with the move from PT to THIN im starting afresh. trying to lose weight while cutting back on the b/p bullshit. Going back to calorie king to record my food intake and get myself back under control. so yeh doing it healthy with 1200 cals to start off with then we will see how it goes. also saw a 4min workout the otherday that is said to raise your heart rate for 36 hours! probs not true but im gonna try it once a day anyways.
Looking back on some old posts from novemberish time last year i realised that this blog was actually really cool and i enjoyed taking time to be creative on it ( making those lil cartoons) i was posting everyday and i had heapsa followers. So yeh if your still here give me a shout. hopefully i can get some new followers and new blogs to follow from my new friends on THIN as well. Peace out. xo
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Anyway i stayed at the boys place last night where he introduced me to Monty Python's 'The Meaning Of Life'. although quite funny the was one scene that scared me to death because it reminded me of me. In it there is this humongous fat man (obviously in a fat suit) in a restraunt who comes in and pukes everywhere and then eats himself to death and explodes on everyone. i dont know if normal people see this as comic but to me it was disgusting. im so scared i could turn into that. and wondered if anyone saw me binging would they feel as disgusted as i did watching him.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
so two purge free days equals how many extra kilos?
i was trying to relax... eat what he eats (which is binge food to me) and not purge.
he asked what was wrong... how do i explain to a rational person and make them understand my irrational thoughts. he knows about this blog... he knows about my "problem"... he doesnt understand though. why he hasnt left me already is beyond me. how can he kiss me when he knows i gorge myself on food and stick me head down a toilet to vomit it up? how can he cuddle me and not be disgusted by all the fat?
I want to be a normal person... i want him to have a normal girlfriend... but what is normal?
Friday, April 29, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
I ordered pizza for dinner again tonight and again i purge it all. total ingested cals approx 1300 so better than last time. i know im failing on my plan atm but i feel if i keep trying that i will be able to do it and stick to it soon. im am cutting down social actvities from now on... i have to focus on uni and on weightloss... and i know this sounds horrible but my friends are holding me back. eh im a bad person...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
today i had a lecture on altered states of consciousness which included drug abuse. It didnt go into great detail but it really hit home to me. To think that a few years ago that was me... i was shooting up smack to escape from reality. My life has turned around majorly; from sleeping on the street to now studying at uni.
Somehow i dont know i got here and it scares me that i could turn around and go back.
Why or how did i have the strength to get out of that situation and why are so many people still stuck in it? Do i deserve this over someone else? Do i deserve this full stop?
On to other stuff... Im starting again... Obviously i havnt been on here a lot lately... This may be due to me generally binging and gaining a heap of weight and feeling unworthy of views. So not only will i be back for real (which is at least 3 posts a week and commenting on the blogs i read) but i am losing all this disgustingness. the plan is 1200 cals for this week and then every week after drop it by 100cal until i get to 600cal. It can be done!
Songs of Today
Phil Collins - Another Day In Paradise
Delta goodren - The Analyst
Friday, April 15, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
In other news i just got back from Sydney Gay Mardi Gras 2 days ago. The weekend was interesting to say the least. I will update you all on that tomorrow though. I hope everyone is going goos and acheiving their goals. Take care. Xo
Monday, February 28, 2011
Ive just discovered that if i do well enough in this course over the next four years that i could be offered a scholarship for my doctorate. So im in a wierdly positive i can do everything mode. Im listening to a lecture right now as i type. im aiming to get at least a distinction in every assignment/exam.
So far my course (Psychology/ Bachelor of Social Science) seems interesting enough, some of the info i already know.
Yesterday i had 2 2hour gaps between classes and i unfortunately didnt use that time in the best way... i should have just threw $20 down the toilet; wouldnt have had as much of a sore throat and that guilty feeling that way.
Anyways i have to get going as i need to use the lavatory before my next class starts. i will post again soon my beautifuls. Xo
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Just purged... Whats new? lol. Anywhoo before that i ate what was probably the most sickly and disgucting concoction ever and is probably in the files of http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com/
Yes you see it contained... an egg, 4 bacon rashers, a slice of cheese, a hashbrown and bbq sauce all on a bread roll. Pretty much heart attack on a plate. I also had a peice of cheesecake. All gone down the drain within 5 mins of purging. why do i do this to myself... if i wasnt bulimic i wouldnt ever eat that EVER! I only ate it coz i knew i could purge it. This is why i should not be left home alone with a house full of food. So yeh i feel like a giant disgusting pig right now.
I had uni orientation yesterday, which went well. I made friends and am now excited and a little less scared for my first day back learning on monday. I saw one girl who was quite obviously a cutter. I felt so sorry for her coz she had scars all over her arm. not fresh ones so im hoping that they are all just old and she has stopped now. im so glad i stopped doing that, i only have a few scars and they are barely visible now. So a shout out to all cutters, please think twice before hurting yourselves, try going for a run or getting a release some other way that isnt going to scar. You are all beautiful. Xo
Friday, February 18, 2011
During the past few months i have been having a stalker on facebook. This guy would message me at least once a week begging me to add him as a friend. He even went as far as to say and i quote "i need you, i love you." while vaguely entertaining it was also quite annoying. After ignoring him for 5 months he seems to have gone away... but now i have a new one...
I decided to meet a random off the internet last week. He seemed to be a nice guy but we really didnt connect. After the date if you can call it that he kept texting me, which was fine until i got this... "i cant wait to taste how sweet you are"... now yes my mind is in the gutter a lot of the time but i am sure im not the only one who gets a dirty vibe out of this. Obviously i ignore him after this but now it seems he just wont go away. Grrr.
Love you guys a hell of a lot more than dirty men. Xo
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
This past week i realised how much i need this blog. While i havnt been posting ive been eating soo much junk. The scales say ive put on nearly 2 kg :( im purging everyday but still eating more after i purge! im just disgusting.
I have to post more to help me keep track of my eating and to be inspired by you lovelies. So today im starting the turn around. Detox time. So far ibe had some green tea... which was jasmine flavoured but some how tasted like banana... wierd.
Im going to now complain about how bad i feel in all of my clothes... seriously its like i cant wear anything that looks good. i have one outfit that covers all the problem areas but that is in the wash coz obviously im alays wearing it. Even bras and undies are getting me down... stupid back boobs and muffin top :( waaahhh!
Anyway to good news... I had a job interview last night. It was a group interview and i think i did alright compared to the other people who were there. There was one point where i turned bright red and forgot half the stuff i was going to say but appart from that it all went alright.
tonight im going out with my friends (note to self: be less social coz i eat more with my friends).
im going to a club but i dont think i will drink coz of calories and my liver being all grumpy at me.
Anyways im off to the gym. Ciao bellas. X0
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Right this moment i am styffing my self with food preparing for a purge. Do any of you find that after you have eaten a certain amount and you know you are going to purge that you purposely eat more before you do it? My dad brought kfc for dinner... which of course is not staying in... i had my twister and was full but i forced my self to eat 3 muesli bars and a bowl of cereal before i purge... which will be... right now
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
long story short i am stuck at my parents house where my internet doesnt work coz they live up a mountain. their computer (the one im on now) does have internet (a different company) but is in the middle of the house so everyone can see what im doing unless they are all out. On top of that this computer is old and shit so i have no sound either.
unfortunately it is still school holidays here and my brothers are here all the time. this is the first time in weeks i have got a slight bit of time to myself... yet it could be taken at anytime as my brother is only in the other room and my mum is coming home soon.
So to update... there will be a new blog, it will be connected to this one and will be there for me to post my veiws on the world and philosophise about crap rather than talk about how fat i am. All this will probably be up in the next 2 weeks coz school holidays will be over and ill have some quality computer time.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I am making a new blog. i will be keeping this one up to look back on later in life and to come back to if i need. i will probs post here now and then but i think the new blog will be the place i will post mostly.
Im really excited about creating a new place for my thoughts. It is going to be a bit more artistic and ive already come up with a theme for the blog and an alias for myself that fits it perfectly.
So i am off to start my little project. i will post the address for you lovelies to add when im finished. love you all. xo
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Shit is going on with my friends... it seems that im losing them all. I dont even know if its completely my fault or not. im in a depressed mood today. so this post probably sounds more gloomy that an average day. i miss all of you. the whole community vibe. hopefully i will be back with regular posting soon. Xo
Thursday, January 6, 2011
These pics are of the Black Saturday Bushfires that happened 2 years ago near where i live.
Much love to all. Xo