Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sorry

hey guys. im still here. not sure exactly what kind of headspace though. ive been eating horribly. sometimes i wonder if it is worth the effort. but i just dont want to be fat anymore. i want the willpower and strength to not want. but its not just that i want to be perfect in every aspect of life. i want HD's at uni, i want to save money and get a nice house i want to travel and one day have a perfect family. but the world doesnt work like that. maybe i should just face the facts. embrace my average to low looks, brains and willpower. but yet i cant. its not me to accept this. im always in purgatory, half way here half way there with no sense of direction.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Worst Sister Ever

Just stole my sister ferrero rocher's that i bought her for her birthday and ate them all. and im still hungry. Failness.
Im not having the best week physically or mentally. I just want to run away from myself.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

0.0

Curse you really strong speed that was very free and tempting. I havnt really slept last night and now getting to the paranoid stage. ive also had a million bongs trying to get to sleep so now i have a sexy raspy voice. despite this i had a really good night just hanging at my friends house.
Im aware how this post could make me sound like a drugged up hippy but really im a good girl at heart. its just that once every few months i get the urge to have a crazy weekend. i get it out of my system and then continue on like a semi normal person. So the plan for now is to have a week away from my friends after this to catch up with homework. im going to refrain from drinking smoking and drugsies for 3 weeks but then there is a trance event on so i will let my self go for that and then nothing til my birthday.
in response to my last post... my birthday is 11/11/11 :) im mainly excited because its a really cool date. so yeh i have 12 weeks to lose 10kg so it is very doable. just have to get myself in the right frame of mind and go for it.
Anyway i have to head off and see a movie with the boy and the bestie now so ill catch u kids later. xoxox

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Sup?

Ive got a song stuck in my head so im playing it over and over again. Its called "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye. some of the lyrics remind me of last year when i was getting over my ex. i have no idea why im thinking of that when now i have a wonderful boyfriend.
Lately ive been tired all the time. I just want to always sleep. Its effecting my social life and uni work. Im debating getting more sleeping pills from the doctor but i would rather get a good sleep without drugs. Although i did get a great sleep last week with the aid of some weed. But i cant be smoking that all the time as i get anxiety attacks as it is.
Talking of anxiety attacks... last weekend was hell. Think breaking down crying in the middle of a shopping centre kind of hell.
It was my sister's birthday this weekend so i let myself binge away which was stupid of me. I have no control at the moment. Its worse too because im trying not to purge, so basically im a huge ball of lard.
Tomorrow im starting a weightloss regime. less calories + more exercise = looking at least semi decent for my 21st. im hoping to drop a kilo per week which is quite doable i just hve to stick to it. So i should lose about 10kg (22lbs) by my birthday.
I have to go catch up on uni work now but i will post again soon.
Much love. Xoxo

Monday, August 8, 2011

Walkies

I had my first day back at uni today. i decided that i would walk there to get some exercise. unfortunately i didnt leave myself enough time in which to do that. realising i was going to be late i increased my pace. i actually quite enjoyed the 4 and a bit kms there but i did end up being 5 mins late and got stared at coz my face was bright red. next time i think i'll give myself an extra 10mins.


Foodwise today i've had 970 cals so thats not too bad. hopefully i can keep it under 1200 everyday this week and start dropping some weight.


Anyhoo... i found my camera and so i will post a pic of me with me newest friend, Ducky.







Sunday, August 7, 2011

My Boyfriend...

...makes me feel content just by being in the room. i spent pretty much the whole weekend with him.
we went fishing which made me feel like a child again, with all the digging for worms and feeding bread to our new friend the duck, who by the way is soo adorable and wags her tail when she is happy just like a dog. i was going to post pics of me and the boy feeding ducky but it seems i have lost my camera. hopefully i will post them in the coming days. we got a few bites but didnt catch anything.
fishing made me remember that i love nature and now i am craving a camping trip away from society. i imaging myself just leaving for a couple of days, taking the bare essentials and letting myself relax and explore an area of bushland. of course i would need a car to reach my destination and the time and know how, all of which i do not have. the boy said he would take me camping when he gets his car fixed. that should be in about 2 weeks so i have something to look forward to.
my boyfriend is hard to explain. he is very different to me in many ways. he is quite reserved when expressing emotions, which is the complete opposite of me. this is hard for me to understand sometimes.
i like to express my feeling in a relationship by telling the person how i feel about them. he on the other hand shows love by either spending time with me or doing various things for me. so in that way i know he likes me but without talking its hard to know all the other various details to his thoughts and feelings. i just know there is an amazing mind and soul inside him and i want to explore it.
typing that out ive just realized how much of a nutcase i sound like. but thats just me, too deep and too intense.
anyway... i want to tell him that i love him... but im scared of the response or probable lack of response.
is there any point saying it when i know we already both feel it? will it ruin everything we already have?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

i... dont know

1:55am... im so hungry.

binged and purged twice yesterday.

i am close to falling. there are but a few steps to the edge.

i want to express all that i am thinking. all that i am feeling. but there is no meaning. it all boils down to nothing. I am what i am...

i dont want to be what i am

i need a purpose. i need life...

or something else completely



Monday, July 25, 2011

Ze Weekend

Hey guys and dolls. Lifes been bingerific the past week.
It was my bestie's 21st on saturday and on the Thursday before i realised that whatever i did i was not going to look good so i might as well get the binging out of my system. It will take too long to write down all of what i ate but be assured it would have been over 4000cal each day ending Sunday.
I was a bit naughty on the saturday night. We got a hotel in the city and started drinking at 7pm (this doesnt include the champagne at lunch). An hour before we went out we had a line of coke each and a shot of absinth. We went out and danced and everything was good untill i started feeling depressed as hell. but i had some more coke and drinks and everything was ok. we headed back at 3am which is quite early for us but the birthday boy was tired coz he was jet lagged from coming back from Paris the day before.
So back at the hotel we chopped up a mix while some of the girls went to get food. then we got stoned and ate and ate. By then i was pretty much screwed and everyone was laughing at me coz i was babbling on about nothing so i went to bed.
11am checkout was not fun! We drove back to my bestie's house and i slept til my boyfriend picked me up at 5pm. then he drove me home and cuddled me and then i went to sleep for like 14 hours.... mmm sleep :)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

RRAAAAAAWWWWWRRRR!!!!! Explodes!

Omg blogger just knows how to piss me off.
So im reading everyones blogs like the nice lovely person i am. and then i go to comment. and of course i want to write long comments to show my love and support. and i get a little agravated coz my space key only works when i push it really hard so i have to go back and fix up bits. but thats ok coz my comment will be awesome when i finish and will make someone happy.
Then i go to post and it asks me to sign in... ok blogger i thought i was already signed in as i went to the dashboard to read and comment on these blogs of which i am following but its ok ill sign in again. so i sign in again and NO! for fucks sake!!!
Being persistent i log out then log back in again and go back to write the comment out again and THE SAME THING HAPPENS!!! aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!
So everyone who has recently commented on my blog and even some who havnt i have been reading your blogs and ATTEMPTING to comment. its just blogger being a complete twat. if anyone has experienced this problem and knows how to fix it please tell me. kthanxbai

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Binge Purge Binge Purge Binge Fat

so the last 3 days i had been going so well but today was craptastic and ruined it all. yesterday i was sick... like my tummy hurt and i felt weak and dizzy. because of that during the day i ate hardly anything. at 7pm i felt really bad so being at bfs house i went to rest in his bed and fell asleep.i didnt wake til 11 and by that time he didnt want to give me a lift home, which was fair enuf coz he had work in the morning and i dont live that close. at 12 i found that i was ravenously hungry but there was no food to eat except an icecream cake in the freezer... i waited until 2:30am at which point i couldnt sleep and finally gave in and ate half the goddamn thing. Afterwards i was still feeling sick,but not as sick, and on top of that guilty and im not entirely sure but i dont think i got to sleep until about 5am. i was awoken at 7am and dropped off at a bus stop while the boy went to work. i came home and had to look after the puppy and do some chores while my parents and my brothers went out for my mums birthday. during this time i had a bowl of cereal. at 11am i told my sister to look after the dog and went to bed... only to be awoken 2 hours later by my mum having a fight with my sister and the dog chasing the chickens outside. i had some 2 min noodles for lunch but at dinner i couldnt control myself. there was a choice of chinese takeaway or pizza. i had some of both, then there was birthday cake... which my sister and i had bought for mum. it was fricken delishous, i was made out of blueberry mousse with a sponge base. sooo good that i had 2 pieces. i already knew i was going to purge so in my mind it didnt matter. but an hour after i purge i find myself munching on a whole paket of candy. so i purge again. but thats not all. i think i may as well go to bed and start afresh tomorrow. but nooo! im called to play cards and suddenly im so hungry so i eat 3 fricken pieces of pizza. i am so FAT! i was planning to purge that too but i havnt. if i binge that muh i kind of deserve to get bigger. eh i feel like poo. its 11:20pm so i think i should get some actual sleep now. hope you all doing better than me. and many thanks to everyone who commented on my last 2 posts. i didnt ead your blogs too and i tried to comment but blogger kept stuffing up and everytime i went to post i had to sign in again and again and again so i gave up. anyhoo goodnight. xo

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Golden and Odin

So while i was away my dog Golden died. She had skin cancer.

Here is a pic of her about 2 weeks before we had to get her put down. She has socks on her paws coz they were sore and she kept licking them. RIP my pretty girl.


A week ago we got a new puppy named Odin. He is a border collie x golden retriever. My dad named him after the Norse God of Wisdom and Death. Despite the name he is a happy bouncy little boy who like to turn everything into a toy. Here is a pic of him just being cute and another pic of him chewing the carpet he unravelled.


Anyways so far today i havnt binged or purged and i didnt b/p yesterday either :) im a lil bit proud. Eating some good healthy foods and generally just doing awesome. im seeing the bf tonight so hopefully i can get something at least semi healthy for dinner. oh yeh and i forgot to say my boyfriend got a new puppy too which is Odin's brother. His name is Benson and looks pretty much the same as Odin except one paw has more white.


I have to go meet the boy at work now so il talk to youkids later. Mucho love. Xo

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

OMFG im back!

Hey kids! have you missed me? probably not... probably forgotten me ive been gone so long.
So yeh ive been binging and purging myself into oblivion. slowly and steadily gaining all the weight i had lost back. i dont know if you guys know the feeling of getting new boy who likes you for you then letting everything slide coz u dont want them to think your a total freak. getting comfortable and then realising your still fat. so yeh with the move from PT to THIN im starting afresh. trying to lose weight while cutting back on the b/p bullshit. Going back to calorie king to record my food intake and get myself back under control. so yeh doing it healthy with 1200 cals to start off with then we will see how it goes. also saw a 4min workout the otherday that is said to raise your heart rate for 36 hours! probs not true but im gonna try it once a day anyways.
Looking back on some old posts from novemberish time last year i realised that this blog was actually really cool and i enjoyed taking time to be creative on it ( making those lil cartoons) i was posting everyday and i had heapsa followers. So yeh if your still here give me a shout. hopefully i can get some new followers and new blogs to follow from my new friends on THIN as well. Peace out. xo

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Monty Python and the Disgusting Fat Man

I am so fricken cold! i have my electric blanket on 3 and im still freezing my tits off. seriously dont understand, see fat is supposed to keep you warm yeh? so why when im on the verge of obesity do i feel the cold like im 20lbs under? perhaps im just a sook lol.
Anyway i stayed at the boys place last night where he introduced me to Monty Python's 'The Meaning Of Life'. although quite funny the was one scene that scared me to death because it reminded me of me. In it there is this humongous fat man (obviously in a fat suit) in a restraunt who comes in and pukes everywhere and then eats himself to death and explodes on everyone. i dont know if normal people see this as comic but to me it was disgusting. im so scared i could turn into that. and wondered if anyone saw me binging would they feel as disgusted as i did watching him.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Sulking

been staying with the boy for the past few days... trying so hard not to purge. i cried this morning when i realised how many calories i have kept in. how fat i am how much fatter i will become. how disgusting i am when i eat, how disgusting i am when i purge.
so two purge free days equals how many extra kilos?
i was trying to relax... eat what he eats (which is binge food to me) and not purge.
he asked what was wrong... how do i explain to a rational person and make them understand my irrational thoughts. he knows about this blog... he knows about my "problem"... he doesnt understand though. why he hasnt left me already is beyond me. how can he kiss me when he knows i gorge myself on food and stick me head down a toilet to vomit it up? how can he cuddle me and not be disgusted by all the fat?
I want to be a normal person... i want him to have a normal girlfriend... but what is normal?

Friday, April 29, 2011

?...

do i or dont i want recovery? i dont know anything about anything anymore...
i dont have feelings, i dont have likes or dislikes, i dont have goals... im just here... like i always am...

Monday, April 25, 2011

Goodbye Dear Sanity

today i binged twice and purge twice... i have no idea how many calories ive taken in or absorbed or how many went down the toilet. i feel worse than i have in a very long time and i have no idea why. it could be many reasons and at the same time it could just be my brain being retarded. all i know is my depression is back big time and i dont want it to stay... i was getting used to being semi normal and i dont want people to know im crazy again. wah...

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Easter

... for some reason at this time of year i go crazy in a bad way. there is no real reason why either. i just get moody and eratic. ive gotta get thru it as best i can.
I ordered pizza for dinner again tonight and again i purge it all. total ingested cals approx 1300 so better than last time. i know im failing on my plan atm but i feel if i keep trying that i will be able to do it and stick to it soon. im am cutting down social actvities from now on... i have to focus on uni and on weightloss... and i know this sounds horrible but my friends are holding me back. eh im a bad person...

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I Hate Pizza... I Hate My Lack of Self Control More

yesterday was going soo well until my lil bro bought home pizza. i had one slice and then went nuts. inhaling anything that came into my path. i went to purge but only half of what i ate came up. total cals probably ingested was 1600 for the day. so today im going to try again. cals so far 0... gonna make some tadziki dip and carrot sticks approx 300 but that is for quite a lot that will fill me up. be back later with more stuff to blog about. xo

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Oh Think twice... Its Just Another Day For you and Me In Paradise

In a very pensive mood at the moment... feeling grateful for the opportunities i have yet feeling sad at the same time.
today i had a lecture on altered states of consciousness which included drug abuse. It didnt go into great detail but it really hit home to me. To think that a few years ago that was me... i was shooting up smack to escape from reality. My life has turned around majorly; from sleeping on the street to now studying at uni.
Somehow i dont know i got here and it scares me that i could turn around and go back.
Why or how did i have the strength to get out of that situation and why are so many people still stuck in it? Do i deserve this over someone else? Do i deserve this full stop?

On to other stuff... Im starting again... Obviously i havnt been on here a lot lately... This may be due to me generally binging and gaining a heap of weight and feeling unworthy of views. So not only will i be back for real (which is at least 3 posts a week and commenting on the blogs i read) but i am losing all this disgustingness. the plan is 1200 cals for this week and then every week after drop it by 100cal until i get to 600cal. It can be done!

Songs of Today
Phil Collins - Another Day In Paradise
Delta goodren - The Analyst

Friday, April 15, 2011

Rachel Zoe

Watching her show just makes me so inspired. Obviously she is very underweight and most likely has eating issues but she is so successful and has such a busy life. She also appears super passionate about her job. Not that i will ever be that skinny or successful but one can dream. Then again this is "reality" TV so the reality is its probably all made up anyway. Meh

Monday, March 28, 2011

yep...

Still fat... just binged majorly and didnt purge for a change. my skin is crawling. i can just feel the fat cells growing and multiplying. i am a beast

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Normal?

Lately ive been realising that in terms of my bulimia it seems like nothing can scare me enough to make me stop. The gastroscopy came back clear. Maybe thats a good thing maybe its bad. I still have stomach pain and no answer to why. All i know is its not a stomach ulcer and its not gall stones. The point is the pain should scare me, all the doctors visits and medical procedures should scare me into stopping... but they dont. If anything the binging and purging is getting more frequent. I just take it as a normal part of life. I will even go out for dinner with friends and casually go to the toilet after to purge. They have no idea. Its becoming to normal. like whenever i get a chance to binge i will. Its just another task in the day. I know i need to stop but i dont know how. Its like telling someone not to walk or talk or breathe even. That sounds overdramatic but its how i feel right now. Eh im just venting my frustrations. hope you all are having a good day. Xo

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Mardi gras




^Tony Abbott and Julia Gillard Impersonations^
So funny! there was one point when Tony was pretending to do Julia from behind


Me... could have been thinner obviously.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Gastroscopy

So in an hour i will be on my way to get my tummy checked out to see if i actually have a stomach ulcer and to find out how bad it is. Im going under general aneasthetic (sp?) for the first time so im kinda nervous. They put a tube with a camera down my throat and somehow take samples of my stomach for testing. I am supposed to fast 6 hours before but so far ive done about 15 hours without food. So i guess this could be a positive. Ive been told it wont hurt so im hoping the doctor isnt lying. I should get the results in 2 weeks so ill let you know how things go then.
In other news i just got back from Sydney Gay Mardi Gras 2 days ago. The weekend was interesting to say the least. I will update you all on that tomorrow though. I hope everyone is going goos and acheiving their goals. Take care. Xo

Monday, February 28, 2011

Uni

Today is my 2nd day at uni. I currently have 20mins until my next class so im taking the time to update you lovelies on the life and time of moi.
Ive just discovered that if i do well enough in this course over the next four years that i could be offered a scholarship for my doctorate. So im in a wierdly positive i can do everything mode. Im listening to a lecture right now as i type. im aiming to get at least a distinction in every assignment/exam.
So far my course (Psychology/ Bachelor of Social Science) seems interesting enough, some of the info i already know.
Yesterday i had 2 2hour gaps between classes and i unfortunately didnt use that time in the best way... i should have just threw $20 down the toilet; wouldnt have had as much of a sore throat and that guilty feeling that way.
Anyways i have to get going as i need to use the lavatory before my next class starts. i will post again soon my beautifuls. Xo

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Nom nom nom... Blarggh

Hey guys,
Just purged... Whats new? lol. Anywhoo before that i ate what was probably the most sickly and disgucting concoction ever and is probably in the files of http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com/
Yes you see it contained... an egg, 4 bacon rashers, a slice of cheese, a hashbrown and bbq sauce all on a bread roll. Pretty much heart attack on a plate. I also had a peice of cheesecake. All gone down the drain within 5 mins of purging. why do i do this to myself... if i wasnt bulimic i wouldnt ever eat that EVER! I only ate it coz i knew i could purge it. This is why i should not be left home alone with a house full of food. So yeh i feel like a giant disgusting pig right now.
I had uni orientation yesterday, which went well. I made friends and am now excited and a little less scared for my first day back learning on monday. I saw one girl who was quite obviously a cutter. I felt so sorry for her coz she had scars all over her arm. not fresh ones so im hoping that they are all just old and she has stopped now. im so glad i stopped doing that, i only have a few scars and they are barely visible now. So a shout out to all cutters, please think twice before hurting yourselves, try going for a run or getting a release some other way that isnt going to scar. You are all beautiful. Xo

Friday, February 18, 2011

Stalkers

As you can probably see ive changed the title and background of my blog. I think the title suits me better and the background echos the title. I ate well today until i realised there was french onion dip in the fridge. i had eaten a bowl of cereal 6 hours earlier and i was craving food so bad. At least i havnt purged today... yet.

During the past few months i have been having a stalker on facebook. This guy would message me at least once a week begging me to add him as a friend. He even went as far as to say and i quote "i need you, i love you." while vaguely entertaining it was also quite annoying. After ignoring him for 5 months he seems to have gone away... but now i have a new one...

I decided to meet a random off the internet last week. He seemed to be a nice guy but we really didnt connect. After the date if you can call it that he kept texting me, which was fine until i got this... "i cant wait to taste how sweet you are"... now yes my mind is in the gutter a lot of the time but i am sure im not the only one who gets a dirty vibe out of this. Obviously i ignore him after this but now it seems he just wont go away. Grrr.

Love you guys a hell of a lot more than dirty men. Xo

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Fatty Boombah

Good morning sunshines!
This past week i realised how much i need this blog. While i havnt been posting ive been eating soo much junk. The scales say ive put on nearly 2 kg :( im purging everyday but still eating more after i purge! im just disgusting.
I have to post more to help me keep track of my eating and to be inspired by you lovelies. So today im starting the turn around. Detox time. So far ibe had some green tea... which was jasmine flavoured but some how tasted like banana... wierd.
Im going to now complain about how bad i feel in all of my clothes... seriously its like i cant wear anything that looks good. i have one outfit that covers all the problem areas but that is in the wash coz obviously im alays wearing it. Even bras and undies are getting me down... stupid back boobs and muffin top :( waaahhh!
Anyway to good news... I had a job interview last night. It was a group interview and i think i did alright compared to the other people who were there. There was one point where i turned bright red and forgot half the stuff i was going to say but appart from that it all went alright.
tonight im going out with my friends (note to self: be less social coz i eat more with my friends).
im going to a club but i dont think i will drink coz of calories and my liver being all grumpy at me.
Anyways im off to the gym. Ciao bellas. X0

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Love You Lots

I am so happy to come back after weeks of not posting to find everyone still following me. When i just saw the comments i got from my last post it seriously warmed my heart. I thought people would have forgotton about me or deleted me, but actually i have more followers than ever :)
Right this moment i am styffing my self with food preparing for a purge. Do any of you find that after you have eaten a certain amount and you know you are going to purge that you purposely eat more before you do it? My dad brought kfc for dinner... which of course is not staying in... i had my twister and was full but i forced my self to eat 3 muesli bars and a bowl of cereal before i purge... which will be... right now

Thursday, February 10, 2011

So Awake... Yet So Tired

hey kids,
its 2:15am and im at my friends house supposed to be asleep. im on his computer so i hope he wont be able to see this.
he and i went for a jog/walk today... i vomited at the end coz im so unfit.
since been back at my parents ive been binging more and exercising way less. i feel guilty fat and disgusting. i have to get my arse back to the gym.
My stomach ulcer is playing up again... probably coz i cant stop purging half the things i eat. ive actually considered getting help... actually going thru with it is another matter.
the pain in my tummy right now is so bad and i know if i eat something it will feel better and i might be able to get some sleep... but i just dont want to eat. i feel that ive been eating more to ease the pain of the stomach ulcer and i dont want/need to continue doing that.
i also want to see the doctor about it but last time i went he said i would need a gastroscopy (where they put a camera/tube down ur throat to see inside the stomach.)
i dont want anyone to know i purge. im scared for my health but i just cant let it go.
i dont even know why i do it. is not even about being skinny coz im not skinny at all.... pfft im just trying to work things out in my head by blabbing to you beautiful people.
so on to good news... the little brothers started school this week. so that means more quality time on the computer alone, by myself, with no one looking. So i can blog more frequently. yaysies. ive missed you guys sooo much. but now im back in action!
so i will see you lovelies soon for the next exciting instalment of my boring life. xoxo

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Updatin'

i know i suck at posting right now.... im seriously not gone forever. just biding my time until i can get the privacy i need.
long story short i am stuck at my parents house where my internet doesnt work coz they live up a mountain. their computer (the one im on now) does have internet (a different company) but is in the middle of the house so everyone can see what im doing unless they are all out. On top of that this computer is old and shit so i have no sound either.
unfortunately it is still school holidays here and my brothers are here all the time. this is the first time in weeks i have got a slight bit of time to myself... yet it could be taken at anytime as my brother is only in the other room and my mum is coming home soon.
So to update... there will be a new blog, it will be connected to this one and will be there for me to post my veiws on the world and philosophise about crap rather than talk about how fat i am. All this will probably be up in the next 2 weeks coz school holidays will be over and ill have some quality computer time.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

New Blog

hey guys.
I am making a new blog. i will be keeping this one up to look back on later in life and to come back to if i need. i will probs post here now and then but i think the new blog will be the place i will post mostly.
Im really excited about creating a new place for my thoughts. It is going to be a bit more artistic and ive already come up with a theme for the blog and an alias for myself that fits it perfectly.
So i am off to start my little project. i will post the address for you lovelies to add when im finished. love you all. xo

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Sorry

I havent done a post for ages and this one will not make up for missed time because its another quicky. im at my parents house and am being sneaky while they watch the news. Checked my weight the other day... same as usual :( at least i havnt gained.
Shit is going on with my friends... it seems that im losing them all. I dont even know if its completely my fault or not. im in a depressed mood today. so this post probably sounds more gloomy that an average day. i miss all of you. the whole community vibe. hopefully i will be back with regular posting soon. Xo

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Wow Im Actually A Bit Proud.

For the past few weeks ive been in an depressive "life sucks/ i suck at life" kind of mood. Today for some reason i was enlightened to the fact that i should be happy and even a little proud of who i am and where i am in life considering my past. Two years ago on this day i was dating a junkie and running around with him begging for money to buy drugs, unknowingly getting his hepatitis.
Since then i have finished high school, and finished treatment so i dont have hep C anymore, lost a lot of weight, put on a lot of weight, then lost the weight i put on, and through this kept up a reasonably good social life. I could have ended up in worse situations.
And going through that shit is not exactly easy. Its not easy to accept you have a virus in your blood, it makes you feel dirty, like you could infect anyone by getting a papercut. I found it worse trying to accept the fact that because of what i did i am now years behind all of my friends in terms of moving forward with life, becoming more independent. I have 2 years with no work to put on my resume.
But ive realise i should leave that in the past, where it belongs. I have learnt and grown from those experiences, i cant obsess about what could have been. I have to focus on what i could be in the future and work towards it.
So sure i dont have a job at the moment, i make myself throw up and sometimes i can get a bit down, but with a little effort i can get through the bad stuff and appreciate the good things that the past, present and future hold.
Please if anyone is feeling that life has dealt them bad cards or that you want to give up, remember this... Life is beautiful, everything we go through is a part of that beauty. We could never appreciate that which is good without appreciating the bad. A raging fire destroying everything in its path can be magnificent when viewed from afar. It leaves the land desolate and broken, but from that land new life grows which is stronger than ever before.
Im being a little poetic and philosophical but this analogy can work for people too. Accept the negative and work towards the positive. then look back and see the beauty you have experienced.
These pics are of the Black Saturday Bushfires that happened 2 years ago near where i live.



Much love to all. Xo


Sunday, January 2, 2011

DIY Detox

Im taking the next 3 days to calm the fuck down! Not from weightloss... obviously i have plenty more to lose... but from the drinking and the drugsies and the binging and purging.
So i ended up going to the music festival on NYD after getting completely stoned the night before. I was so drunk and later i was off my head on E. It was actually a really good day. I liked the music more than i had expected and just had fun.
The day after sucks hairy balls... obviously i was hungover... so i decided to take the rest of the E... bad idea! after 5 hours i thought i would be fine to catch the train home by myself... Wrong!
So paranoid and feeling sick. i swear everyone was looking at me like i was insane. i needed water badly too. So i had 15 minutes waiting for my connecting train so i went on a mission to get earphones for my ipod (they were mysteriously lost) and water. seems like a pretty simple task? No! 90% of the godamn shops were closed for holiday period. i went to coles and iga neither of them contained the listening device i needed. i actually really needed it. i simply cannot do public transport without blocking everything out. especially in the state i was in. I felt like i was going to cry coz i hadnt taken my good drugs in 3 days as they were mysteriously lost too. i found the earphones in a little convenieance shop. where the guy probs couldnt understand what i was saying coz i was babbling on like a crazy cat lady. i ran back to the station to realise id forgotton my water. with 1 minute till my train came i was madly throwing coins at a vending machine.
I got the water jumped to the train and curled up on the seat with my cheapo haedphones that sounded funny but did the job. in that moment i felt like the most accomplished freak on the planet. 1 second later i realised i shouldnt take drugs ever again! EVER!
So my week of letting loose is over and i am on the road to becoming a slighly more sane person again.
I have hapsa other stuff to say but i need sleep so im gona dot point it
- i realised my bestie is also to blame in the whole situation... he is being really selfish, bitchy and immature atm. maybe we just need some time appart to cool down. i could never shut him out completely coz i know his good side as well as his bad. but i am not going to act like a bad person just to spend time with him while he is like this.
- im pretty sure ive put on 10000kgs. i just feel fat. ive been eating really badly coz of being drunk and stupid in general. the detox will change that!
- 100 followers FTW!!!! I love all of you! seriously you guys are awesome... your comments mean so much to me. HUGS all round. XOXO