Thursday, February 10, 2011

So Awake... Yet So Tired

hey kids,
its 2:15am and im at my friends house supposed to be asleep. im on his computer so i hope he wont be able to see this.
he and i went for a jog/walk today... i vomited at the end coz im so unfit.
since been back at my parents ive been binging more and exercising way less. i feel guilty fat and disgusting. i have to get my arse back to the gym.
My stomach ulcer is playing up again... probably coz i cant stop purging half the things i eat. ive actually considered getting help... actually going thru with it is another matter.
the pain in my tummy right now is so bad and i know if i eat something it will feel better and i might be able to get some sleep... but i just dont want to eat. i feel that ive been eating more to ease the pain of the stomach ulcer and i dont want/need to continue doing that.
i also want to see the doctor about it but last time i went he said i would need a gastroscopy (where they put a camera/tube down ur throat to see inside the stomach.)
i dont want anyone to know i purge. im scared for my health but i just cant let it go.
i dont even know why i do it. is not even about being skinny coz im not skinny at all.... pfft im just trying to work things out in my head by blabbing to you beautiful people.
so on to good news... the little brothers started school this week. so that means more quality time on the computer alone, by myself, with no one looking. So i can blog more frequently. yaysies. ive missed you guys sooo much. but now im back in action!
so i will see you lovelies soon for the next exciting instalment of my boring life. xoxo

5 comments:

  1. Yikes, that sounds painful :(
    Try getting some anti-acids
    I hope everything gets better - Stay strong sweetie x

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  2. Haha quality computer time! thinspo and blogs!
    Careful with the ulcer sweetie! I'm not gonna say feel better soon, I'mma say get better NOW!
    xoxo stay strong!

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  3. <3 missed you so much.
    I got to a point a couple months ago where I seemed to be toying with purging a lot more than I had; and it was becoming addictive, but I didn't really stop altogether until I fell really ill with Glandular fever and Tonsilitis at the same time, and was reeeeally knocked around. I had to go to the doctors for blood tests and throat checks and stuff, so I knew I had to stop the purging- that was enough for me, and though it was terribly hard, because purging becomes such a physical addiction, I did it, because I had to, basically.
    I get what you mean about it not being about being thin; it becomes a physical sensation, like you literally feel as though you cannot keep your food in, or you'll claw your skin off.
    But really, maybe consider using the stomach ulcer and doctor check ups as your motivation to stop purging? Now that I've kicked it, my throat feels so much stronger. <3

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  4. hope your ok, yay for more posts

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