Friday, April 29, 2011


do i or dont i want recovery? i dont know anything about anything anymore...
i dont have feelings, i dont have likes or dislikes, i dont have goals... im just here... like i always am...

Monday, April 25, 2011

Goodbye Dear Sanity

today i binged twice and purge twice... i have no idea how many calories ive taken in or absorbed or how many went down the toilet. i feel worse than i have in a very long time and i have no idea why. it could be many reasons and at the same time it could just be my brain being retarded. all i know is my depression is back big time and i dont want it to stay... i was getting used to being semi normal and i dont want people to know im crazy again. wah...

Saturday, April 23, 2011


... for some reason at this time of year i go crazy in a bad way. there is no real reason why either. i just get moody and eratic. ive gotta get thru it as best i can.
I ordered pizza for dinner again tonight and again i purge it all. total ingested cals approx 1300 so better than last time. i know im failing on my plan atm but i feel if i keep trying that i will be able to do it and stick to it soon. im am cutting down social actvities from now on... i have to focus on uni and on weightloss... and i know this sounds horrible but my friends are holding me back. eh im a bad person...

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I Hate Pizza... I Hate My Lack of Self Control More

yesterday was going soo well until my lil bro bought home pizza. i had one slice and then went nuts. inhaling anything that came into my path. i went to purge but only half of what i ate came up. total cals probably ingested was 1600 for the day. so today im going to try again. cals so far 0... gonna make some tadziki dip and carrot sticks approx 300 but that is for quite a lot that will fill me up. be back later with more stuff to blog about. xo

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Oh Think twice... Its Just Another Day For you and Me In Paradise

In a very pensive mood at the moment... feeling grateful for the opportunities i have yet feeling sad at the same time.
today i had a lecture on altered states of consciousness which included drug abuse. It didnt go into great detail but it really hit home to me. To think that a few years ago that was me... i was shooting up smack to escape from reality. My life has turned around majorly; from sleeping on the street to now studying at uni.
Somehow i dont know i got here and it scares me that i could turn around and go back.
Why or how did i have the strength to get out of that situation and why are so many people still stuck in it? Do i deserve this over someone else? Do i deserve this full stop?

On to other stuff... Im starting again... Obviously i havnt been on here a lot lately... This may be due to me generally binging and gaining a heap of weight and feeling unworthy of views. So not only will i be back for real (which is at least 3 posts a week and commenting on the blogs i read) but i am losing all this disgustingness. the plan is 1200 cals for this week and then every week after drop it by 100cal until i get to 600cal. It can be done!

Songs of Today
Phil Collins - Another Day In Paradise
Delta goodren - The Analyst

Friday, April 15, 2011

Rachel Zoe

Watching her show just makes me so inspired. Obviously she is very underweight and most likely has eating issues but she is so successful and has such a busy life. She also appears super passionate about her job. Not that i will ever be that skinny or successful but one can dream. Then again this is "reality" TV so the reality is its probably all made up anyway. Meh