Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Monty Python and the Disgusting Fat Man

I am so fricken cold! i have my electric blanket on 3 and im still freezing my tits off. seriously dont understand, see fat is supposed to keep you warm yeh? so why when im on the verge of obesity do i feel the cold like im 20lbs under? perhaps im just a sook lol.
Anyway i stayed at the boys place last night where he introduced me to Monty Python's 'The Meaning Of Life'. although quite funny the was one scene that scared me to death because it reminded me of me. In it there is this humongous fat man (obviously in a fat suit) in a restraunt who comes in and pukes everywhere and then eats himself to death and explodes on everyone. i dont know if normal people see this as comic but to me it was disgusting. im so scared i could turn into that. and wondered if anyone saw me binging would they feel as disgusted as i did watching him.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Sulking

been staying with the boy for the past few days... trying so hard not to purge. i cried this morning when i realised how many calories i have kept in. how fat i am how much fatter i will become. how disgusting i am when i eat, how disgusting i am when i purge.
so two purge free days equals how many extra kilos?
i was trying to relax... eat what he eats (which is binge food to me) and not purge.
he asked what was wrong... how do i explain to a rational person and make them understand my irrational thoughts. he knows about this blog... he knows about my "problem"... he doesnt understand though. why he hasnt left me already is beyond me. how can he kiss me when he knows i gorge myself on food and stick me head down a toilet to vomit it up? how can he cuddle me and not be disgusted by all the fat?
I want to be a normal person... i want him to have a normal girlfriend... but what is normal?