Monday, April 9, 2012

Another Easter

Blegh... Easter... one of my most hated times of the year.
I was 8 years ago now that i was in hospital begging them to let me stay there so i wouldnt have to face the outside world.
Ive come a long way since then. Ups and downs and all that jazz. I still remember it every year though, it reminds me that things arent so bad. I nearly cry when i think about that little girl, i was so lost.
Is horrible to say but sometimes i miss those times... when i was broken and all i had was my insanity, i was free to crawl inside my head and be devoured by my sadness. now i am grown up, i have responsibilities, i can no longer allow myself to run away for it would be selfish. i know better now... but i wish i didnt.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IK-RDqtdK2U&feature=related

Monday, April 2, 2012

I feel the need...

The need for weed...
This trying to quit my cannabis habit is not fun. I just want to calm down and be able to sleep but nooooo. its been 3 days... im coping during the day, but not at night.
I think its worse that i was using it as a form of self medication. now im in pain and i cant sleep.
So yeh im here to vent my frustration. I finished my sociology assignment today, so it was in on time thank god. Hanging out for easter break. only 2 days of uni and 1 day of work to go.
I want to run away. escape life for a while. explore somewhere new. breathe in fresh air, walk aimlessly and just relax.... maybe i will go meditate on those thoughts... mabe it could help...
Goodnight... hopefully...

Friday, March 30, 2012

On a Good Day

"A little bit lost and a little bit lonely
A little bit cold here a little bit of fear
But i hold on and i feel strong and i know that i can
Getting used to it, lit the fuse to it
Like to know who i am"
Above an Beyond - On a Good Day
That is some lyrics of one of my favourite songs. It relates to how i feel today which i think is good. i think i just needed some time out to rest and regain some sanity. I almost cracked it at work when i found out that they had cut out my friday shift altogether. But it kind of turned out to be a good thing. So today i went to the movies with a friend. We saw The Lorax because i love that story from my childhood. Dr. Seuss for the win. The movie was actually quite good. they could have quoted the book a bit more though. i ate candy and popcorn and purged after the movie. i dont think i got it all out but its too late now. ive taken 5 laxetives but im not sure if they will do anything coz the packet didnt have a recommended dose. its been like over a year since ive taken them. its wierd because i feel really good today yet for some reason i had the urge to take them, to feel empty. and i dont feel bad or conflicted about taking them either.
But yeh back to what i was actually saying, that song means a lot to me coz its like getting through all of life's crap, pushing through, and then having a good moment to realise how far you have come :)

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Breaking

The pains in my stomach are getting worse. today it was constant. but i was very stressed so that might have had something to do with it. i dont know exactly whats going on but i know its my liver and stomach that i can feel hurting. i know the gall bladder is stuck up in that area too so it could be that as well. the pain can sometimes go away if i dont eat for an extended period of time but also lessens straight after eating. Sometimes when i wake up and drink water it is the worst i actually double over in pain.
today sucked appart from that. I spent 7 hours stuck in front of my computer grasping for any piece of info i could shove into my assignment before the 5 pm deadline. My head was killing me but i had to keep going. I got it done in the end. i think i will get a pass for it but nothing special.
after that i decided to take the dog for a walk to get some fresh air and go to the shops to get binge food. It was one of those occasions where i spent ages in the supermarket picking things up and putting them back again. I ended up getting greek yoghurt and cucumbers so i could make tatziki dip because in my mind thats a safe food and would counteract the chocolate and chips i was buying to binge and purge on. But now i think i just sound like an idiot.
Anyway, on the way home i let my dog off the lead so he could have a run... and he ran away. I had to walk around for an hour before he was found by my dad.
I can feel myself breaking. Its actually been years since ive fully broken down. im scared of what i might do. I thought i was getting better. I dont understand anything anymore...

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Wahh

Curse you homework! why did i chose to do Sociology? Interesting but annoying subject. Im hungry as usual.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Autism and Anorexia

So i just stumbled across something i find quite facinating. I was researching a program for autistic children and their parents for my psychology assignment and was reading some of the symptoms of autism. Some of them reminded me of anorexic behaviours. So i looked up studies into a relationship between the two disorders and found this.. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20176449
Just thought i would let you guys know so if you're as nerdy as me you can have a look.

Aside from that i am doing alright. hovering at the same weight, purging less, trying to be normal.
Im super busy all the time and its making me so hungry. Just got to make sure i dont binge. as long as i dont put on weight atm im happy.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Having a Whinge

IM SO HUNGRY!!!! Fuck! Why!!??? Why the fuck if i have eaten enough does my body want more?
Anyway its 12:15am and i have to get up for work in 6 and a half hours so probs best to try and sleep. just thought id vent my frustrations. i will probably end up eating coz i wont be able to sleep otherwise. Wahh.

Monday, March 12, 2012

A Comment For Peri... and Some Crap About My Weekend

ok so its pissing me off that blogger wont let me comment. i go to the effort of writing a genuine response, not just a few words and then it wont let me post. so i copy what ive done and refresh but still it wont work. but its ok coz ima post my comment here in a special post just for Peri. You cant silence me blogger! Anyway here it is...

haha blasted recorder... i remember having one of those. i would drive my mum nuts, but that was coz i really suck at music. the tatt sounds good as i wanna see what its gonna look like. dealing with our brains shit sucks a lot out of you. does it to me too. i think its good youre making goals though. take care. xoxo

And now to talk about me... everybodies favourite person (jokes obviously).
So i am disappointed in myself atm. last week i was doing so well, going to uni and work, not bingeing and eating "well" (weightloss type of well) in general. it was all ruined in one spontaneous decision to go out.
Turns out that i nearly drank my weight in alcohol, acted like a drunk twit, and then ate everything i could get my hands on. then i had a hangover and missed uni today.
This basically proves to me that i have no self discipline and am destined to be fat and stupid.
So i am now banning myself from going out (unless its a birthday which i am obligated to go). I can not be trusted to not go overboard so im taking the option away. I need to focus on uni and not destroying my liver anymore than it already is.
Tomorrow i am studying all day. i need to catch up and get ahead and get some good marks.
My tummy hurts so im off to pop some antacids and go to bed. goodnight. xo

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Zzzzz...

Hey guys.
just letting you know that blogger is being a poo and not loading the comments box when i want to respond to your posts. so yeh hopefully that will be fixed up soon.
I am so tired lately. my body clock is screwed. keeps waking me up early and wanting me to sleep early too.
I went out to my aunty's birthday dinner tonight. chinese banquet. purged half of it. still a million calories though. have to go walkies 2moro.
soo much homework 2 do as well. haha i sound so boring atm. anyways i am off to sleep. zzzzzzz.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Ahh Busy

Im sorry for the lack of posts lately. i am just sooo busy. Ive never been so responsible in my life. i dont know if i will be able to handle it. I get soo tired and working part time while studying fulltime and then trying to keep up with friends too is really wearing me out. i think im going to have to give up my social life.
on the weekend i had soo much fun, drank too much and may have taken a lil speed. but i was supposed to study and i didnt. now i am screwed because i have the next 5 days with non stop uni and work and no time to catch up.
its also hard restricting atm coz i feel like i need more food for energy. but if i let myseklf eat i will just get fat again. coffee intake is steadily increasing tho lol.
Anyways g2g. when i get time ill look at all your blogs and say hi. ciao kids.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Net Calories

for today is -250. im not hungry at all so ima go to my room and pretend to sleep so i dont have to eat dinner. my legs are aching and im exausted so i might fall asleep anyway. i might go out tonight, either clubbing or chill with my bestie. depends on how i feel after ive had a rest.

Monday, February 27, 2012

My Tummy Hurts :(

I think i might have a problem with my gall bladder. Ive been getting these stomach pains for about 3 or 4 years now. They usually come when i start losing weight. Anyway i always thought it was a stomach ulcer from purging and such but ive had tests and they were all negative.
So tonight my tummy is hurting really bad and i know ive been purging quite a bit lately so i looked up gall bladder disease and bulimia. Apparently according to this doctor on this website the two are related. There is a diet that is also supposed to help. It looks pretty healthy and you would definately be able to lose weight from it. although it does say to avoid some foods that i like and eat often. like cabbage and cucumber.
So here's the link. http://www.docsmed.com/diet.htm please let me know if you think ir looks any good or is legit.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Abnormality

I am not doing well these last few days. i just ate a bag of candy/lollie snakes (approx 700 cal) in like 2 minutes and then purged. it took me longer to purge them than to eat them :(
Whats the point of binging if you cant even enjoy the junk youre eating. I wish i could just stop eating, but i get so weak and dizzy after even 12 hours. I literally cant function when i dont eat. I used to be able to do it in high school, now my body is old and weak even if i am only 21.
The real bad thing is that if it werent for that binge today would have been good foodwise. I had 3 healthy meals that would have come in at around 900 cals.
Im hoping that this need to binge over the last few days is due to the fact that my period is coming. I hope it comes soon too so that i dont have it when i start back at uni next week.
Im so paranoid of people going through my room incase they find my bong or my bags of puke. i dont know which would be worse. Im too scared to purge in the toilet like a "normal person" coz people might hear me.
I wish i were a normal person, with a normal BMI, and a normal brain, who could be happy just being normal.

Friday, February 17, 2012

FML with a Chicken Tender.

i seriously feel so digusting and stupid right now. i just ate raw chicken! it was an accident but totally my fault at the same time. I had one of those sudden binge moment when i must eat everything really quickly. well i wanted a chicken sandwich. so i put the chicken tenders under the grill. but i just couldnt wait and they looked done one the outside. half way through eating i looked at what i had bitten and half the chicken was raw! i threw the rest out and purged what i had eaten (which was the plan anyway). can i really actually be that fat as to not know when im eating undercooked meat? fuck! is this some kind of higher power telling me to stop binging and purging. idk but im scared.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Hmmm

I saw my ex last night. Had brilliant sex. 3 times. I miss him soo much. Theres still "something" there. A spark or whatever you may call it. Its not just me i can feel it from his end too. I just dont know whether to act on it or leave it alone. Im eating badly again. He makes me comfortable even with food. thats a good and a bad thing.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Im having a total bridget jones moment at the moment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPc1DIIQBB0&feature=related
Being fat and crying, listening to soppy songs.
Its just a bad day and im feeling lonely.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Adrenaline

I dont know why but im super awake and super pumped up for no reason. I really need sleep but i just cant. I only had like 4 hours sleep last night because i was nervous for my job trial today and then i was running around like a crazy waitress for 5 hours. So technically i should be tired.
Anyway the job trial went well, i think. I dont know if i actually have the job yet but im pretty sure i do. I have to call up on Wednesday and talk to the boss and then hopefully i will know whats going on. Im excited for uni to be back on again and holidays to be over, i just hope that i can keep on top of everything. I always tell myself that im going to do so well and study so hard before it starts but then flake out when im actually there. I cant keep doing that though. I have to be more organised if only just for my sanity coz i go nuts when i procrastinate and leave things to the last minute. I need to grow up and act like an adult. Im such a child at heart though thats why it is hard.
As usual im blabbing on about nothing so ima go. Take care everyone. Xo

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Job?

I have a job trial tomorrow :) the shirt im going to wear makes me look fat though (correction - highlights my fat parts that i have eaten on to myself, it cant make me look fat unless i actually am fat... which i am). I dont have anything else to wear coz all my other clothes are too casual. I really hope i get the job. I need money badly. Im thinking of buying diet pills. but i dont know if they will actually work. I am losing weight but its too slow. only like a pound a week. I want to wear clothes and actually look nice and not a lumpy fat mess.
Anywhoo i will update you on what happens tomorrow night. Xo

Peri - Spicy apple sounds delicious. Thanks for your super comment :) that shit was longer than some of my posts. It actually did make me feel better that someone was listening. And yes ive heard more protein in your diet actually curbs hunger and makes you eat less. I knew id get something good out of that doco on the atkins diet lol. Xo

Friday, February 3, 2012

:'(

I am not a happy chappy. Im just feeling sad. I think my ex is seeing someone else, we only broke up a month ago. I miss him still. Or maybe i just miss feeling that little bit more secure. I feel lonely now. Him and i werent in love romantically but we had that comanionship kind of love. Like we were always hanging out and just enjoyed each others company. Now there is nothing. He is avoiding me. And im being a clingy sook.
So i deleted him off facebook. If he wants to ignore me then he shouldnt have any contact. I dont want this to be drawn out with the whole "lets be friends" bullshit that only prolongs the pain of us slowly drifting further appart. I have to move on.
Now there is mascara on my pillow and all i want to do is smoke a million bongs and pass out forever. But i cant. I have a date tomorrow. I know he just wants sex though. I dont even know why i agreed to this. Oh yeh coz i wanted a rebound. But i dont even want that anymore. I could go cold turkey on guys altogether. Be single and just push myself into work and study.
I handed out resumes today. Only one place was actually looking for workers so i really hope they give me a call. i just want to make some money and use up some of this time of which i have too much of.
Anyway im getting tired now and am blabbing on about nothing. Hope you kids are feeling better than me. Xo

Peri - Thanx for your comment. I would love some tea while i stalk you. Im sorry to hear that youre not happy at work. Eating can be a big comfort thing. I should know coz i do it a lot lol. Im sure you can get on top of it though. Just try eating a good amount of healthy food so you are full enough not to binge, that sometimes helps me. Take care. Xo

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I got Stoned Last Night...

and devoured everything :(
its sad because i was doing well for the past days too. staying under 1200 cals. when i finish reading peoples blogs im having a shower and going on a looong walk. i gotta burn it all off and never eat that much again.
Sometimes i feel like a stalker coz i read peoples blogs but hardly ever comment. and many times i dont reply to the lovely people who post on mine. mostly i just dont know what to say and i dont think my comments are of much worth. but i thought i would let you know that i do love reading your blogs even if it seems like im not. Xo

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Happy Australia Day

Im going to my friends house to celebrate being an Aussie. We are having a barbeque so i might have a lil meat and then just have salad. I had the biggest binge and purge day yesterday that ive had for months. I told myself that i could let myself do it then but today there is to be no binges at all and hopefully for the next couple of days too. Im wearing a loose fitting green top which i love coz it actually looks alright while covering my massive belly and my tuck shop lady arms. I want to lose a kg before my parents come back which is next tuesday so that is really doable if i can just get off my ass to exercise :
I hope everyone is doing good. Take care. Xo

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Turns Out...

That im back. Fatter than ever. Ive put on 10kg since i was last here. Disgraceful. I am going to turn this around. I am going to lose all that ive gained and more. I need a real life. I need so many things that are just a small stretch away. But i am always to scared to reach for them. I have to change...