Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Net Calories

for today is -250. im not hungry at all so ima go to my room and pretend to sleep so i dont have to eat dinner. my legs are aching and im exausted so i might fall asleep anyway. i might go out tonight, either clubbing or chill with my bestie. depends on how i feel after ive had a rest.

Monday, February 27, 2012

My Tummy Hurts :(

I think i might have a problem with my gall bladder. Ive been getting these stomach pains for about 3 or 4 years now. They usually come when i start losing weight. Anyway i always thought it was a stomach ulcer from purging and such but ive had tests and they were all negative.
So tonight my tummy is hurting really bad and i know ive been purging quite a bit lately so i looked up gall bladder disease and bulimia. Apparently according to this doctor on this website the two are related. There is a diet that is also supposed to help. It looks pretty healthy and you would definately be able to lose weight from it. although it does say to avoid some foods that i like and eat often. like cabbage and cucumber.
So here's the link. http://www.docsmed.com/diet.htm please let me know if you think ir looks any good or is legit.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Abnormality

I am not doing well these last few days. i just ate a bag of candy/lollie snakes (approx 700 cal) in like 2 minutes and then purged. it took me longer to purge them than to eat them :(
Whats the point of binging if you cant even enjoy the junk youre eating. I wish i could just stop eating, but i get so weak and dizzy after even 12 hours. I literally cant function when i dont eat. I used to be able to do it in high school, now my body is old and weak even if i am only 21.
The real bad thing is that if it werent for that binge today would have been good foodwise. I had 3 healthy meals that would have come in at around 900 cals.
Im hoping that this need to binge over the last few days is due to the fact that my period is coming. I hope it comes soon too so that i dont have it when i start back at uni next week.
Im so paranoid of people going through my room incase they find my bong or my bags of puke. i dont know which would be worse. Im too scared to purge in the toilet like a "normal person" coz people might hear me.
I wish i were a normal person, with a normal BMI, and a normal brain, who could be happy just being normal.

Friday, February 17, 2012

FML with a Chicken Tender.

i seriously feel so digusting and stupid right now. i just ate raw chicken! it was an accident but totally my fault at the same time. I had one of those sudden binge moment when i must eat everything really quickly. well i wanted a chicken sandwich. so i put the chicken tenders under the grill. but i just couldnt wait and they looked done one the outside. half way through eating i looked at what i had bitten and half the chicken was raw! i threw the rest out and purged what i had eaten (which was the plan anyway). can i really actually be that fat as to not know when im eating undercooked meat? fuck! is this some kind of higher power telling me to stop binging and purging. idk but im scared.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Hmmm

I saw my ex last night. Had brilliant sex. 3 times. I miss him soo much. Theres still "something" there. A spark or whatever you may call it. Its not just me i can feel it from his end too. I just dont know whether to act on it or leave it alone. Im eating badly again. He makes me comfortable even with food. thats a good and a bad thing.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Im having a total bridget jones moment at the moment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPc1DIIQBB0&feature=related
Being fat and crying, listening to soppy songs.
Its just a bad day and im feeling lonely.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Adrenaline

I dont know why but im super awake and super pumped up for no reason. I really need sleep but i just cant. I only had like 4 hours sleep last night because i was nervous for my job trial today and then i was running around like a crazy waitress for 5 hours. So technically i should be tired.
Anyway the job trial went well, i think. I dont know if i actually have the job yet but im pretty sure i do. I have to call up on Wednesday and talk to the boss and then hopefully i will know whats going on. Im excited for uni to be back on again and holidays to be over, i just hope that i can keep on top of everything. I always tell myself that im going to do so well and study so hard before it starts but then flake out when im actually there. I cant keep doing that though. I have to be more organised if only just for my sanity coz i go nuts when i procrastinate and leave things to the last minute. I need to grow up and act like an adult. Im such a child at heart though thats why it is hard.
As usual im blabbing on about nothing so ima go. Take care everyone. Xo

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Job?

I have a job trial tomorrow :) the shirt im going to wear makes me look fat though (correction - highlights my fat parts that i have eaten on to myself, it cant make me look fat unless i actually am fat... which i am). I dont have anything else to wear coz all my other clothes are too casual. I really hope i get the job. I need money badly. Im thinking of buying diet pills. but i dont know if they will actually work. I am losing weight but its too slow. only like a pound a week. I want to wear clothes and actually look nice and not a lumpy fat mess.
Anywhoo i will update you on what happens tomorrow night. Xo

Peri - Spicy apple sounds delicious. Thanks for your super comment :) that shit was longer than some of my posts. It actually did make me feel better that someone was listening. And yes ive heard more protein in your diet actually curbs hunger and makes you eat less. I knew id get something good out of that doco on the atkins diet lol. Xo

Friday, February 3, 2012

:'(

I am not a happy chappy. Im just feeling sad. I think my ex is seeing someone else, we only broke up a month ago. I miss him still. Or maybe i just miss feeling that little bit more secure. I feel lonely now. Him and i werent in love romantically but we had that comanionship kind of love. Like we were always hanging out and just enjoyed each others company. Now there is nothing. He is avoiding me. And im being a clingy sook.
So i deleted him off facebook. If he wants to ignore me then he shouldnt have any contact. I dont want this to be drawn out with the whole "lets be friends" bullshit that only prolongs the pain of us slowly drifting further appart. I have to move on.
Now there is mascara on my pillow and all i want to do is smoke a million bongs and pass out forever. But i cant. I have a date tomorrow. I know he just wants sex though. I dont even know why i agreed to this. Oh yeh coz i wanted a rebound. But i dont even want that anymore. I could go cold turkey on guys altogether. Be single and just push myself into work and study.
I handed out resumes today. Only one place was actually looking for workers so i really hope they give me a call. i just want to make some money and use up some of this time of which i have too much of.
Anyway im getting tired now and am blabbing on about nothing. Hope you kids are feeling better than me. Xo

Peri - Thanx for your comment. I would love some tea while i stalk you. Im sorry to hear that youre not happy at work. Eating can be a big comfort thing. I should know coz i do it a lot lol. Im sure you can get on top of it though. Just try eating a good amount of healthy food so you are full enough not to binge, that sometimes helps me. Take care. Xo

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I got Stoned Last Night...

and devoured everything :(
its sad because i was doing well for the past days too. staying under 1200 cals. when i finish reading peoples blogs im having a shower and going on a looong walk. i gotta burn it all off and never eat that much again.
Sometimes i feel like a stalker coz i read peoples blogs but hardly ever comment. and many times i dont reply to the lovely people who post on mine. mostly i just dont know what to say and i dont think my comments are of much worth. but i thought i would let you know that i do love reading your blogs even if it seems like im not. Xo