Friday, March 30, 2012

On a Good Day

"A little bit lost and a little bit lonely
A little bit cold here a little bit of fear
But i hold on and i feel strong and i know that i can
Getting used to it, lit the fuse to it
Like to know who i am"
Above an Beyond - On a Good Day
That is some lyrics of one of my favourite songs. It relates to how i feel today which i think is good. i think i just needed some time out to rest and regain some sanity. I almost cracked it at work when i found out that they had cut out my friday shift altogether. But it kind of turned out to be a good thing. So today i went to the movies with a friend. We saw The Lorax because i love that story from my childhood. Dr. Seuss for the win. The movie was actually quite good. they could have quoted the book a bit more though. i ate candy and popcorn and purged after the movie. i dont think i got it all out but its too late now. ive taken 5 laxetives but im not sure if they will do anything coz the packet didnt have a recommended dose. its been like over a year since ive taken them. its wierd because i feel really good today yet for some reason i had the urge to take them, to feel empty. and i dont feel bad or conflicted about taking them either.
But yeh back to what i was actually saying, that song means a lot to me coz its like getting through all of life's crap, pushing through, and then having a good moment to realise how far you have come :)

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Breaking

The pains in my stomach are getting worse. today it was constant. but i was very stressed so that might have had something to do with it. i dont know exactly whats going on but i know its my liver and stomach that i can feel hurting. i know the gall bladder is stuck up in that area too so it could be that as well. the pain can sometimes go away if i dont eat for an extended period of time but also lessens straight after eating. Sometimes when i wake up and drink water it is the worst i actually double over in pain.
today sucked appart from that. I spent 7 hours stuck in front of my computer grasping for any piece of info i could shove into my assignment before the 5 pm deadline. My head was killing me but i had to keep going. I got it done in the end. i think i will get a pass for it but nothing special.
after that i decided to take the dog for a walk to get some fresh air and go to the shops to get binge food. It was one of those occasions where i spent ages in the supermarket picking things up and putting them back again. I ended up getting greek yoghurt and cucumbers so i could make tatziki dip because in my mind thats a safe food and would counteract the chocolate and chips i was buying to binge and purge on. But now i think i just sound like an idiot.
Anyway, on the way home i let my dog off the lead so he could have a run... and he ran away. I had to walk around for an hour before he was found by my dad.
I can feel myself breaking. Its actually been years since ive fully broken down. im scared of what i might do. I thought i was getting better. I dont understand anything anymore...

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Wahh

Curse you homework! why did i chose to do Sociology? Interesting but annoying subject. Im hungry as usual.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Autism and Anorexia

So i just stumbled across something i find quite facinating. I was researching a program for autistic children and their parents for my psychology assignment and was reading some of the symptoms of autism. Some of them reminded me of anorexic behaviours. So i looked up studies into a relationship between the two disorders and found this.. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20176449
Just thought i would let you guys know so if you're as nerdy as me you can have a look.

Aside from that i am doing alright. hovering at the same weight, purging less, trying to be normal.
Im super busy all the time and its making me so hungry. Just got to make sure i dont binge. as long as i dont put on weight atm im happy.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Having a Whinge

IM SO HUNGRY!!!! Fuck! Why!!??? Why the fuck if i have eaten enough does my body want more?
Anyway its 12:15am and i have to get up for work in 6 and a half hours so probs best to try and sleep. just thought id vent my frustrations. i will probably end up eating coz i wont be able to sleep otherwise. Wahh.

Monday, March 12, 2012

A Comment For Peri... and Some Crap About My Weekend

ok so its pissing me off that blogger wont let me comment. i go to the effort of writing a genuine response, not just a few words and then it wont let me post. so i copy what ive done and refresh but still it wont work. but its ok coz ima post my comment here in a special post just for Peri. You cant silence me blogger! Anyway here it is...

haha blasted recorder... i remember having one of those. i would drive my mum nuts, but that was coz i really suck at music. the tatt sounds good as i wanna see what its gonna look like. dealing with our brains shit sucks a lot out of you. does it to me too. i think its good youre making goals though. take care. xoxo

And now to talk about me... everybodies favourite person (jokes obviously).
So i am disappointed in myself atm. last week i was doing so well, going to uni and work, not bingeing and eating "well" (weightloss type of well) in general. it was all ruined in one spontaneous decision to go out.
Turns out that i nearly drank my weight in alcohol, acted like a drunk twit, and then ate everything i could get my hands on. then i had a hangover and missed uni today.
This basically proves to me that i have no self discipline and am destined to be fat and stupid.
So i am now banning myself from going out (unless its a birthday which i am obligated to go). I can not be trusted to not go overboard so im taking the option away. I need to focus on uni and not destroying my liver anymore than it already is.
Tomorrow i am studying all day. i need to catch up and get ahead and get some good marks.
My tummy hurts so im off to pop some antacids and go to bed. goodnight. xo

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Zzzzz...

Hey guys.
just letting you know that blogger is being a poo and not loading the comments box when i want to respond to your posts. so yeh hopefully that will be fixed up soon.
I am so tired lately. my body clock is screwed. keeps waking me up early and wanting me to sleep early too.
I went out to my aunty's birthday dinner tonight. chinese banquet. purged half of it. still a million calories though. have to go walkies 2moro.
soo much homework 2 do as well. haha i sound so boring atm. anyways i am off to sleep. zzzzzzz.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Ahh Busy

Im sorry for the lack of posts lately. i am just sooo busy. Ive never been so responsible in my life. i dont know if i will be able to handle it. I get soo tired and working part time while studying fulltime and then trying to keep up with friends too is really wearing me out. i think im going to have to give up my social life.
on the weekend i had soo much fun, drank too much and may have taken a lil speed. but i was supposed to study and i didnt. now i am screwed because i have the next 5 days with non stop uni and work and no time to catch up.
its also hard restricting atm coz i feel like i need more food for energy. but if i let myseklf eat i will just get fat again. coffee intake is steadily increasing tho lol.
Anyways g2g. when i get time ill look at all your blogs and say hi. ciao kids.